Merritt is two years old today

Every year I look forward to these three months between February and May. To say that the boys are just a year apart in age offers a simple explanation for how crazy our days can feel.  Ooh, they're two and three. 

Last year we celebrated Merritt's first birthday with a colorful celebration of hearts and lions. This year, we opted again for a small party with even less fanfare. A simple home cooked meal, a few surprises for the kids, and a short guest list of his two primary caretakers and their partners.

On the menu: chicken adobo (a filipino dish that I grew up on as a kid), coconut rice, a green salad with garlic dressing, and roasted root vegetables. For dessert we shared a mountain of doughnuts served with miniature glass bottles filled with milk, and paper straws.

It snowed most of the day, so by dinnertime the long and blue shadows of winter cast over our meal as we sat down at the table. The kids wanted nothing to do with the food so they played while we indulged in the warmth of good company and candlelight.

While it is Merritt's second birthday, today also marks the anniversary of my second birth. Last year I was melancholic as February came around. This year felt a little less so. I'm not sure what that means as far as progress and healing are concerned, but it appears at first as an improvement. In truth, our beginning still pains me. I try to avoid acknowledging the still tender disappointment when it creeps into an otherwise happy moment. I wish I could pinpoint exactly the thing that is so painful about the birth, or the NICU, but I haven't yet been able. I'm afraid it is all the little things that add up. It makes me heartsick knowing that we can't influence the past. The more time that separates then from now, the less clarity I have. The deeper involved I become in my work supporting women through their own family beginnings, the better I understand how complicated this could be, how unhealed I am, that I may always carry with me a sense of loss and grief. Being made aware of that last little piece was a bummer all on its own.

Though I experience this day with all the bitter sweetness that it brings, Merritt shined his light brightly and enjoyed a very deserving birthday party on Saturday and a worthy encore today with ice cream, a park trip, and many, many, renditions of happy birthday. He is the kind and gentle little brother of our family and we love him so much.

Merritt's 16 month appointment

Merritt's weight is in the 25th percentile and he grew taller since our last visit in April so his height is in the 50th percentile. Neither his pediatrician nor I mentioned his prematurity today, which feels like a worthy milestone. He's just yer average 16 month old.

I had the rare opportunity to observe Merritt in his natural habitat, as Andy would say, without the variable of big brother in the picture because my sister offered to hang out with Roscoe in the waiting room.

In an environment of relative peace I observed Merritt maneuvering around our tight-quartered patient office and then when he sat down, how he coolly turned the pages of a book with his little fingers full of intention and ease, his curiosity engaged to explore each page, and his effort to catch my attention so that he could show me that he knew the animal or the sound that it made. The whole scene suggested that we've comfortably entered into whatever comes after the baby phase.

Just like that. (In hindsight, anyway.)

A warm sense of dumbfounded relief washed over me because I love this age, between 1 and 2, and our experience with Roscoe was that around this time we hit a new stride that felt easier than what came before. I'm not 5 months pregnant right now, like I was when Roscoe was this age, so we're primed to actually get to experience and enjoy the happy progression of independence that has just recently commenced. 

Merritt uses his words, a video clip

At this age communication is like a word game. Check out this little video of Merritt eating his dinner at the end of a long cranky day. I'm just trying to guess my way through and this was the first time I heard him say the word corn.

Party on

To celebrate Merritt's first year, and to kick off the beginning of a brand new one, we threw him a birthday party themed with lots of color, hearts, and lions.  I made a few special decorations, like the cupcake toppers that I posted about here, and a zany mobile of ribbon (below).

I tossed together a french potato salad, a superb quiche Lorraine with a towering crust and a perfect center, and also tried a new recipe for red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. We sipped our beer and soda from fun paper straws, and savored the classic combo of homemade whipped cream and berries from cheerful mini bowls.  It was all very pretty, and Merritt's guests were pleased.

Roscoe vividly remembers his two year birthday party and is cognizant of the proper components necessary for throwing such an event.  He had a tough time accepting that this party was not for him and wailed at me several times in a manner that conveyed his genuine hurt, "I'm sooo disappointed!" We did our best to share the love and the fun between both boys, and when the day was over I reminded Roscoe that his birthday was up next (in May) and together we decided on an ice cream social theme, which lifted his spirits tremendously.

As for the birthday boy, besides the opportunity to devour his birthday cupcake (he ate the entire thing!), he seemed none the wiser that all of this was for him. Roscoe heartily took to the task of opening all of Merritt's gifts for him, and Merritt didn't seem to mind one bit.

Fun fact: For the next three months, when people ask, I get to point out that my boys are 1 and 2!!

Merritt is 11 months old

Over the weekend he took his first steps and today he walks!!

Merritt's first haircut (and Momma's too!)

Annoyed that our new hairstylist wants to charge $32.00 for Merritt's "first haircut", I took his little mohawk into my own hands.

We have a new vacuum with a very tasty cord

My first ever attempt at cutting hair wasn't quite as smooth and easy as I had envisioned (what could be so hard about snipping a little bit of baby hair?), but I'm happy with the result.  He turned 10 months old on the 18th and his new 'do let's me visualize an older, less baby-like version of our littlest guy.

Merritt is Eight Months Old

Merritt is eight months old?  Whoa, slow down!  Time is on fire, it seems.

I'm not sure how to hold on to the baby version of our little Mer-Mer, as Roscoe has taken to calling him.  He's cutting his top teeth, he's scootin' backward, he feeds himself greedily.  His double chin still hangs around and maybe it's the Momma in me, but his little gobble neck is a definite sweet spot.

I've been throwing around some unoriginal birthday ideas, still impressed that after the Holidays he'll be turning one year. I've always felt a very deep connection to Merritt--he feels like an old soul to me. We've been through some stuff together, and some days it is hard to separate out the me from the him. We?  I feel it with both the boys, though, loving them in a more absolute and truer way than I've ever been able to love even myself.

I know the independent stage is coming.  Faster than I can remember, probably (it's weird how quickly I forget!). I've been intent to study all of his details for fear that one day the intimacy that we share now--a direct function of the dependency of our relationship--will be lost to time and memory. I want to always be able to recall the subtleties by which I know him today. To retain the ability to invoke the simple goodness of the weight of his body nestled up to me as I cradle him, slung over one shoulder, and shush him to sleep while he breathes his hot little breath into my ear.

I try not to feel guilty about being less diligent documenting his life than I was with my firstborn.  I remind myself that when my boys are in their 30's, whether or not I can then recall every little piece of them along the way won't diminish what it feels like knowing them in this way every day, as we move from here to there.

I don't usually link up to articles, but I can't stop thinking about this one.

Merritt is Seven Months Old!

Our little Merritt boy turned 7 months on the 18th. The newborn phase is officially over.

(Ooweee, it was a long one!)

Just a month ago Merritt was still a snuggle-lump but his six month birthday brought a lot of changes. A few days before, he cut two new teeth and then, a week later, he started sitting up.

Now he's a chatter box.

A growth spurt last month brings him just under 16 1/2 pounds--he's quadrupled his birth weight!

Merritt is Six Months Old

Merritt is six months old. There’s a lot to love about him right now, especially his little arm and thigh rolls, and the way that he still curls his legs up into his belly and stretches his arms up over his head when I pull him out of the sling after a long nap.

He is wildly interested in the food that we eat and has had a few tastes here and there of peaches, watermelon, figs, and chicken. He rolled over for the first time yesterday, belly to back and back to belly, one right after the other. I guess he has been capable of it for awhile, just hasn't been given enough floor time to practice.

He is a really happy baby as long as he has undivided attention, and he still spends much of the day in the sling. Merritt takes 2 or 3 naps a day, and in the evening will sleep for an hour or so by himself some nights, which gives me the chance to relax without a baby in my arms. It’s not much, but I take what I can get!

I was looking through some of his NICU pictures and found this one.

He looks so tiny with that pacifier as a reference.

Five Months

And there's no telling what big brother is doing over there in the corner...

Four Months

But seriously, our little Merritt Boy is four months old! Last we checked he weighs a little over 11 pounds, which means he's doubled his birth weight, and then some. I think that is amazing. Roscoe was a very slow gainer, admittedly, but at four months he weighed about the same at 11 pounds 6 ounces.

Merritt still spends much of every day asleep in the sling, but he stays awake for longer stretches now (upwards of 2 hours) and has really started to communicate in the last week with lots of coos and gurgles accompanied by some pretty goofy grins. He has strong little legs and can hold himself up in a standing position well. He's recently started to drool a lot and to reach for some of his toys. Overall, he's an incredibly happy and mellow baby.

Why so serious?

A busy birthday

Trampoline jumping at 5:30 am

Working on showing two with his hands

Ready for a toy store run

Tough decisions

Feeling like a little king

Mowing the lawn with his new mower

Poppa came home early! Putting a trailer on his cozy coupe.

Testing it out

Ready to go

Test drive

Ice cream

Family self portrait

Yesterday

Merritt is Two Months Old

Catching milestones

I'm so grateful for the opportunity to mother Merritt around the clock even though he was born early. I still got to be the lucky one, to be the first to see Merritt's brand new belly button.

12 years ago today!

We don't really celebrate our "dating anniversary" but we like to acknowledge when it passes every year.

I wanted to share two classic high school photos:

Junior Prom 1999

Senior Prom 2000

Little did we know what the future would hold!

Roscoe's Turn

After so much attention on Little Sears this week, Roscoe had his 15 month appointment this afternoon--even though he just turned 16 months.

We arrived early and played outside in the (hot) sunshine for 20 minutes. Then on our way inside Roscoe tripped and cut his lip so we made a grand, bleeding entrance. After stickers and snacks he was feeling much better but his little wound continued to bleed for most of the visit.

We got to see yet another nurse practitioner that I did not care for. Do any other moms nursing toddlers get the side eye when breastfeeding is brought up? I do not get it. Otherwise, Roscoe got his vaccinations, and a flu shot--and they gave me mine too, which was convenient!

He's now in the 43rd percentile for weight, and 11th percentile for height. Little Shorty!!

Sleeping Beauty

This is Roscoe. He's asleep. On his mattress. For the first time ever.

It's a beautiful thing.

Roscoe's first chalk drawing

Slowly but surely, transitioning to a toddler bed

We have taken a second step toward moving Roscoe from his swing to somewhere that is not his swing. For a long time, I assumed that "somewhere" would be his crib. After careful consideration we decided to skip the crib altogether and go straight to a mattress on the floor.

On Saturday afternoon we disassembled his crib and reorganized his room.

Roscoe now has an upgraded reading corner, and a mattress on the floor.

We hope that he'll take to this arrangement. Knowing him, he will not. So we have postponed until next weekend step three of our "as we go" plan, which will be to persuade Roscoe to sleep in his new bed.

What did you find helpful in facilitating this transition for your little ones?