Nursing a Newborn with a Toddler Underfoot: creating a peaceful environment

Today is the last day of World Breastfeeding Week. I promise not to post here every article I write in other channels, but this one may be helpful to some of you juggling the needs of two or more little ones!

I wrote this piece for RichmondMom. You can read the full article here. 

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When my second little boy was born, my wild and spirited toddler added a whole new dimension to the already great responsibility of breastfeeding a newborn. I was surprised by how difficult it was to create personal space to nurse, free from curious hands and exuberant limbs. I often felt frustrated and disappointed, craving peace during the many nursing intervals woven throughout every day.

Perhaps you can relate.

Your toddler may be curious about breastfeeding, interested in the new baby, or vying for your undivided attention. He is likely to explore and test his limits when your attention is directed to the new baby. He may interpret your sitting down to nurse as his cue to try out some new tricks, wedge himself behind your back, or stretch out on top of little sister.

Juggling the demands of a nursing newborn and the emotional needs of an active toddler may test your patience and your breastfeeding resolve but you can plan ahead to work with your toddler and make the best of your family’s transition.

Create a safe environment that works for you and your toddler: Set up a comfortable nursing station with everything you need within arms reach: burp cloths, a nursing pillow, a water bottle, easy to eat snacks, and your phone. Orient your nursing station in close proximity to the area in which your toddler plays, or bring your toddlers play toys near to your nursing station. Baby proof the designated space so that your child can explore freely, and consider creating a closed space with a baby gate or a locked door to keep your little one within sight.

Talk to your toddler about babies: Share stories about what he was like as a newborn and how you cared for him. Talk about what newborns look like, how they spend their time, and what makes them happy. Newborns nurse a lot, they sleep, and they cry. Babies love to be held, they enjoy silly voices and funny faces, they like to explore with their mouths and hands. Talk about the ways that your older child can help you to care for their little brother or sister. We love the book Everywhere Babies by Susan Meyers, a celebration of babies and the many ways they are cared for. Talk openly about breastfeeding and explain it in simple terms that your toddler will understand.

(Read more...)

When Breastfeeding Sucks: 13 things to try

I'm excited to announce that I will be writing regularly for RichmondMom a local online magazine. My first article went live this afternoon and I'm thrilled for the opportunity to write in more detail on topics related to pregnancy, normal birth, postpartum, and mothering. 

If you've been following along for a while you know that I treasure the breastfeeding relationships that I shared with my two boys (Merritt just weaned a few months ago!) and I have written about my experience many times over the years. (Click on the Breastfeeding link in the left nav sidebar under Our Stories to read more.) 

Still, breastfeeding can be really hard work and it requires a huge time commitment and a share of personal sacrifice.  Like other aspects of mothering there are moments of pure love and bliss, as well as fear and loathing.

I would love your ideas for future topics, please share in the comment section.

If you are like most pregnant and newly postpartum mamas then you are aware of the many benefits that breastfeeding offers to you and your baby. You also probably have a goal in mind for how long you would like to breastfeed whether it be until you transition back to work, six months, one year, or more!

Breast milk is a human baby’s normal food, and while the physiology of lactation is a natural process, breastfeeding is a learned skill and many mamas say it can be really hard at first.

Even if you don’t experience any of the most common complications like low milk supply, nipple pain, engorgement, plugged ducts, or mastitis, you may still find the commitment and the demands of breastfeeding around the clock to be exhausting.

So what do you do if the mechanics of breastfeeding are going well, but the effort required feels herculean and you secretly wonder how much longer you can keep at this? Whatever your goals, whatever your challenges, many mamas share your sentiment.

Here are a few suggestions to help get you through: 

1. Know what is normal nursing behavior for a healthy newborn. Calm your fears, gather your confidence. Newborn babies nurse 8-12 times every 24 hours. That’s a lot of time spent nursing! Read up if you can before your baby is born. Check out from the library or buy your own copy of a comprehensive and evidence based reference guide like The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, and visit Kellymom.com. Find a local chapter of La Leche League and attend a meeting—you’ll meet other moms in all phases and stages of breastfeeding who’ve been there and done that so bring your baby, or a friend, and a list of whatever is on your mind. Most importantly, take heart and know that you are not alone in navigating the highs and lows of nursing your baby.

(...read the full article here)

World Breastfeeding Week: On Leaving My Nursling

World Breastfeeding week ended yesterday. I was out of town for most of it but I tallied them up and I've been breastfeeding for 169 consecutive weeks.

That sounds like a long time, even to me. Twenty months with Roscoe and almost seventeen months with Merritt, so far. With some overlap.

Merritt wasn't quite one year old when I bought my BlogHer ticket back in January. I hesitated to make such a huge commitment so far in advance for fear of leaving a nursling at home, but I convinced myself that fast forward seven months our nursing relationship would be on the down swing, maybe even over.

Winter came and he tapered off the frequency of daytime feeds, and then in early spring he night-weaned, which meant that in a given twenty-four period he nursed only twice. My plan was working out nicely, but August was fast approaching and so in June I nudged him along and he gave up the afternoon comfort nurse.

Summer finally arrived, and it has been a hot, hot, hot one. Maybe correlated with his hydration needs, Merritt started to ask to nurse at frequent and random intervals throughout the day. After snack, before stories, before nap, after nap. He "asks" to nurse with an endearing little bark from the back of his throat, a cough with the cadence of a cry. Even though he uses words to communicate on a regular basis he hasn't yet found a word for nursing. But I know what he means.

I almost always accommodate his requests although I was convinced that routine and comfort seeking remained his primary motivations--I really did not think that he was actually getting any milk.  In the weeks leading up to BlogHer he ramped up his demand, which (in a slight panic) provided rationale for outlining detailed instruction to Andy about facilitating ritual around the morning nursing session, to include quiet face to face time and a sippy cup of warmed cows milk, just in case.

What I didn't anticipate, at all? My supply. I left Wednesday morning and by Thursday evening I had that heavy, tingling sensation of engorgement. This odd realization was met first with surprise then sadness--my little guy was at home and I had his milk!  Unsure how the rest of the trip might play out without access to a breast pump, I decided to hand express before heading to bed that night.

I first learned to hand express in the NICU, and it really is a great skill for nursing moms. You never know! Taking 10 minutes twice a day served me well in preventing a plugged duct (or worse), maintaining my supply, and staying comfortable while in New York.

Once home I headed straight to our bedroom where Merritt lay sleeping, enveloped by darkness and the roaring whirrs of a sound machine. No words needed, he nestled into his familiar place and nursed for thirty minutes before falling back to slumber.

If you've been following along here for a while, you'll know that Roscoe's nursing path was abruptly cut short by Merritt's month-long NICU stay and my subsequent absence from daily home life.

I wonder if Merritt will naturally wean around the same time, or if he'll choose to nurse longer? Either way, it feels just right that this aspect of our relationship will have the opportunity to run its natural course without interruption.

on nursing in public

"Can you stop doing that?"

"I keep looking over here--I can't help it--and every time I do I have to see your nipple!  I shouldn't have to look at that."

"You have that towel right there, why don't you cover yourself?"

"You wouldn't walk around without a shirt on would you?  That'd be indecent!"

"You shouldn't be doing that here!"

I've been nursing one or the other of my boys for 34 continuous months. I know the sweet privilege of cradling a glossy haired newborn to offer the breast, I know the fatigue of cluster feeds and growth spurts, I know the intense love that springs from a milky smile, and the comedy that is a nursing toddler.

A couple weeks ago a big bad dad at a well-loved neighborhood park was so uncomfortable with my nursing son (and so confident in his position) that he demanded me to stop.

But I didn't stop. I said, "No, I'm not leaving. I'm feeding my baby."

His discomfort quickly escalated to entitlement and bold arrogance. As for how he really felt, he didn't leave much to my imagination.

This angry man was yelling about my nipples. I was shocked.

To his barrage of insults I calmly held my ground and repeated, "No, I'm not leaving. I'm feeding my baby." It's all I could come up with.

To be honest, I hadn't given any thought to what I might say in defense to an attack like that. In the early days after Roscoe was born I may have brainstormed some clever retorts, but that feels like eons ago, and besides no one has ever said anything to me and so my guard was let down a long time ago.

As deeply woven into my daily life as nursing has become, as confident as I am that this is the right thing for us, as wholeheartedly as I believe in the importance of breastfeeding for nutrition and as an integral aspect of our relationship, having that man unload his inner thoughts out loud made me feel bad and it stuck with me for days after.

But why? Why do I care what some anonymous man thinks about the way I feed my kid?

I've invested and sacrificed to build these nursing relationships. I persevered through the early months with both of them, learning to feed the first under a nursing cover so that I could move about in the world with my baby in tow and, as my confidence grew, learning to nurse without a cover until there came a point that it only felt normal and right to meet the needs of my children for thirst or hunger or comfort whenever they needed me.

Wherever we were.

Building confidence, transcending social barriers, and overcoming personal anxieties, to find that sweet spot where I could effortlessly read his cues and know when he was hungry and feed him before he fussed with little more than a flip of my shirt, after all of that, finally, joy and knowing.

To then have someone bully and belittle me and call this thing that I've grown to love and believe in--that is as much a part of my identity as a mother as anything I've experienced so far--for him to single me out to express his disgust and his belief that what we do is in fact counter to mothering and offensive, that I am offensive and that I violate his view of women and the sexual nature of breasts, it all made me realize that perhaps I am more vulnerable than I thought.

That I am susceptible, that I am not as safe as I had believed and that maybe I shouldn't have thought so in the first place.

Shame.

Perhaps that is what he intended. To shame me into covering up, leaving the park, quitting nursing altogether.  I have no idea. He was motivated by something that likely had little to do with me or with what I was doing in that moment.

I didn't like how I felt afterward. I was confused by it actually. But, by giving it a name I gained clarity and then I wasn't shameful but empowered again.

It all made sense. It's not me. It's him.

I am good.  My kids are good. We are good.

Have you ever been reprimanded for nursing in public?  How did it make you feel? How did you respond?

We're a nursing pair!!

Not surprisingly, Merritt's birth story is not as straightforward to write as I had hoped. In the meantime, I thought I'd provide an update on our nursing progress.

First let me say that we're lucky to have an entire staff of breastfeeding supportive nurses working with us. I knew I was in the right place when the nursing guru and aptly named "breast whisperer" was assigned to care for Merritt.

Andy and I were able to visit with Merritt for the first time about 2.5 hours after he was born. Because he was stable I was allowed to hold him skin to skin for about 45 minutes. I started pumping when we left the nursery and have been following an every 2 hour pumping schedule.

My hope was to provide him with exclusive breast milk, so I was disappointed when they wanted to begin feeding him yesterday morning and my milk hadn't yet come in. The plan we established was to pump whatever amount of colostrum/milk that I could, and then they would make up the difference with formula until I was able to provide enough for his full feeds.

My first two sessions resulted in a combined 1/5 of a cc of colostrum, and at the time he needed 5ml every 3 hours. Slowly but surely I've been able to pump more and more, and I am so proud to tell you that I'm now making enough milk to exclusively feed him, no supplementation needed. I feel like one awesome Momma! By tomorrow my milk should be flowing, and I hope to begin banking surplus.

To coincide with his feedings, I also get to nurse him. The Neonatalogist encouraged me to offer the breast for the first time yesterday morning and Merritt surprised us all and latched on with ease. I forgot how intense those uterine contractions are postpartum (way worse this time than last!). They radiate all through my back and down my legs, and yesterday actually required me to deep breathe through them. Needless to say, Ibuprofin has become an integral part of the routine.

It was difficult to meet Merritt for the first time in the context of the NICU. He didn't really feel like our baby, and it seemed as if we had been catapulted into the unknown. All the barriers presented by the environment seemed to challenge our ability to act on our parental instinct. It can be discouraging to have to ask permission to care for your baby: to feed him, to change his diaper, to be an active part of his daily routine. Negotiating for our priorities hasn't been as difficult as I thought it might be, but we have had to make some comprises as well and concede to those things which do not fall at the top of our must-haves list.

Nursing, as I might have guessed, allows us each to assume our respective roles as Momma and Baby, pure and simple, in the face of all this chaos. The hours we spend together, and even the time I spend pumping, are the highlight of my day.

Defining moments

It is incredible to know that my body built Roscoe from scratch (with Andy's help, he wanted me to add), nourished him, grew him, and gave birth to him, and then sustained him exclusively for the first 6 months of his life. I did all that. me.

Before Roscoe was born I had a lot of questions about breastfeeding. They weren't focused so much on if I was going to do it, or how I was going to do it, but more on how it would feel to do it, and whether or not that level of intimacy would be weird. As for logistics, I was under the impression that breastfeeding was a natural skill inherent to mothering, and I more or less pushed away the awkward thoughts I had about putting baby to breast in favor of waiting to figure it all out when the time actually came.

I'll admit that when my midwife asked if I would like to try to nurse, just minutes after Roscoe was born and before my placenta had even been delivered, it did feel a little awkward to offer something so personal to this itty bitty person that I couldn't hardly recognize but, I was curious to see what he would do.

At less than 10 minutes old, Roscoe did what came naturally to his newly born self, and with that first latch we began what may be the most defining, demanding, and deeply satisfying aspect of our relationship.

I had my midwife's number on speed dial those first few days. It was fortunate for me that she is a lactation consultant and former La Leche League leader. She taught me a lot about nursing. The primary lessons? Nursing satisfies a baby beyond hunger and A baby's wants are a baby's needs. Nursing is more than feeding.

I've since written many a post about nursing and over the past 19 months I've had the pleasure of experiencing a full range of conflicting emotion. In reality, we had a rough start, the dedication required to exclusively breastfeed was almost more than I could take at times, and for many months I could only dream of my former freedom and independence.

Around the ten week mark we finally clicked as a momma/nursling pair and nursing was as easy and convenient as I had imagined it could be. But it was more than that. Magical. (Wow, would I have used these words to describe nursing before I had experienced it?) It satisfied my hunger to nurture my son in a way that only nursing could, and the act of it alone met every one of Roscoe's physical and emotional needs. Before Roscoe made his debut I was well accustomed to achieving and doing--a way of being that made it difficult for me to transition into the new realities of motherhood. Nursing forced the opportunity to take breaks in our busy days and connect with each other. The physical and emotional demands remained, but it was around this time that I began to own my new role and nursing mother became part of my identity.

I never set out to nurse Roscoe for a specific amount of time, but I had hoped to make it through the first year. The idea of nursing a toddler didn't seem crazy to me, but it wasn't something I could relate to either. By the time Roscoe turned one he wasn't just a toddler, he was my toddler. Continuing to nurse was a given for us.

When I found out I was pregnant with Little Sears, Roscoe was 14 months old and blame it on the hormones, but within a month or two my experience nursing had changed from a pleasant and easy going activity, to one that elicited an antsy and uncomfortable full-body sensation. There were days where I had to cut our sessions short because I just couldn't stand it. On several occasions I convinced myself that our last session had been our LAST session. These feelings come and go still, but obviously we're hanging on. I think the biggest pressure to wean is that I find it hard to imagine the logistics of juggling the demands of a nursing newborn coupled with nursing to meet the emotional needs of an active toddler. Tandem nursing isn't something that I readily identify with although I know it is an option.

So, I've been fretting over this decision, quietly and passively. Stewing really. Contemplating the situation without wanting to take action. Once I became pregnant, Roscoe weaned himself from four evenly spaced daily nursing sessions to just one. All that remains is his nurse-to-nap at 11:00 am every morning. It's a nursing that means a lot to him, but I've not convinced myself that he needs it, and I've equally not convinced myself that I have good reason to take it away.

In perfect timing I attended a La Leche League meeting on Saturday morning. Oh, sanity-saving, norm altering, reason-inducing LLLi, how do I love thee? More than I can ever express.

La Leche League has been my oasis in a societal dessert of general breastfeeding non-support.

As I listened to a room full of mothers share their questions and experiences nursing their children, I found myself offering advice and nodding my head in agreement. I identified with each of their stories--our experiences mirrored theirs, and theirs ours. Yes, for the first time I even saw myself in the woman who breastfed her giant 2 1/2 year old three times over the course of 2 hours. When it was my turn I shared my uncertainty about how to move forward with the baby's arrival on the horizon, and I heard the process that others went through and their personal reasons for why some chose to tandem nurse while others did not, and how it actually played out for them once the second baby was born.

I realized that if we are content (which we are), there's no need to force a change on an otherwise mutually satisfying relationship. A lot can happen in four months. Roscoe may make the decision to wean on his own. If not, I've released the pressure on myself to do anything in particular in order to generate a specific outcome.

I'm Roscoe's Momma and right now our relationship involves a comfort nurse once a day. Everything will be OK. As for my concern that Roscoe will revert to wanting to nurse more often once his little brother is born? Come what may. If so, I guess I'll have become one of those Momma's. The evolving experience of nursing my son has certainly changed my attitudes and norms about nursing in general. No longer do I extend an awkward smile at the sight of a nursing toddler, instead it makes me happy to know that those two are lucky enough to still benefit from and enjoy an essential relationship that will forever be uniquely theirs.

Nursing Bras

Nursing bras can be confusing. Especially when you have no idea what to expect from pregnant and new momma boobs.

What size(s) should I buy? Which brands will I like?

I bought all my nursing bras from Bravado. They have a helpful "how will my boobs grow?" guide. The Original Nursing Bra was perfect for its comfort, and utility. I bought one in black, and one in white. I quickly learned that nipple creams stain! White is great because you can bleach them in the wash, but I liked black better because it hides stains well and, when nursing in public, I felt less exposed.

The only thing I don't love about the Original is that the material is not particularly soft, especially after many washes; and once the first few months had passed (and milk supply was established), it didn't offer a very supportive silhouette.

Four or five months into nursing I was ready to graduate to a more "shapely" bra and I tried Bravado's Body Silk Seamless but I found that it was too bulky for nursing--the amount of material I had to pull down and underneath Roscoe's little head was just too much, it always flipped up and hit him in the face!

I've been on the search for the "perfect" nursing bra ever since I found out I was pregnant with Little Sears, which is a tall order because the needs of a nursing momma change over time. I should probably call this my search for the perfect nursing bra(s).

I recently tried the Bamboo Sleep Bra by Belabumbum and I think I may have found my perfect bra for late pregnancy and those first few newborn months.

So soft and stretchy, it has a racer back and comes up the front like a halter top which flatters every body type. Accessibility is super important for nursing, and this bra features an easy pull aside mechanism versus a snap down flap. It's comfy and kinda sporty, which I really like. I'll definitely be buying at least two more of these! They come in a range of nice colors too!

What's your favorite nursing bra?

Feed me!

I haven't been to a La Leche League meeting since I returned to work in October. It was my goal to attend one meeting this Spring, but the timing of Roscoe's second nap made it impossible this afternoon. Looks like I'll have to try again next month.

For all the breastfeeding challenges that I encountered in the early months of new motherhood, LLL was my respite. Me and my marathon-nurser were just one pair in a varied group of moms with babies in all stages of nursing. No matter the topic of discussion, it was relevant to my experience; and in the company of women who had been through it and lived to tell about it, I was both encouraged and empowered to continue down the nursing path.

As Roscoe gets older, our nursing dynamic continues to change. He's practically phased out night nursing, and continues to nurse five times throughout the day. He sometimes still nurses for comfort, and I'm ok with that. He has two teeth and I think his recent interest in biting (youch!) is an extension of his exploration of cause and effect. If he wasn't so genuine in his innocence I might not find it so endearing.

It's been my hope to nurse him at least through his first year. And EEK! that's just two months away! Roscoe's pediatrician informed me at Roscoe's last visit, that milk after 9 months is actually secondary to solids, which brought a little frown to my face. But it also brought me some relief to know that nutritionally, Roscoe is becoming more independent.

Picnic!

Grub? CHECK! Sun hat? CHECK! SPF 75? CHECK!

When will my cycle return?

I hope not to jinx the three of us by writing this post, but I do believe we've solved all but two of Roscoe's sleep challenges.

The two items still up for resolution include our reliance on the swing for sleep, and Roscoe's shifted circadian rhythm that compels him to fall asleep for the night at 4:00 pm and wake for the day at 4:00 am.

Otherwise, Roscoe takes roughly three 1-hour naps, falls asleep on cue, and most exciting he's sleeping through the night! And not in a "5-hours = sleeping through the night" sort of way reserved only for babies. He wakes once around 11:00 pm for a diaper change, and once around 1:00 am for a meal.

With an ecological nurser*, I've recently become anxious curious about when my cycles will return. Within the next 4 months would be ideal--a February or March baby would make me very happy! I've had no interest in manipulating Roscoe's nursing routine before he turns 1 year, but I do welcome this natural progression of cutting out the nighttime nursing sessions as it brings us one step closer to baby #2.

*nursing on cue, keeping baby close, providing all nourishment and liquids at the breast for the first five to eight months, and nursing to comfort the baby. It does not include the use of bottles or pacifiers, mother-baby separation, parent-imposed feeding schedules or restriction of night nursings.

A breakthrough at 6 months, 3 weeks: The No Cry Sleep Solution

Roscoe's Pediatric office has three locations. The one closest to us happens to be the oldest, the busiest, and the most run-down. We also haven't yet found a provider in the practice who we really like. On recommendation we made an appointment with Dr. Kaplan at the Lorton office which is sparkling new, but because he has such a loyal following, the earliest appointment we could snag was today.

Roscoe's "6 month" appointment (at 6 months, 3 weeks ) was quite eventful.

Roscoe was vaccinated against H1N1 and Influenza (yay!), as well as DTaP, and PCV. They don't like to give more than 4 vaccines at any one visit, so we made another appointment six weeks from now to complete the original 6 month immunization schedule, and the second doses of the two influenza vaccines.

Roscoe now weighs...wait for it... 14 pounds (!). First the 8th percentile, then the 5th, then the 3rd, and now the 1st--which led to a lengthy discussion that covered nursing, solids, and sleep.

The bottom line is that there is value in encouraging Roscoe to go longer between nursings. Specifically, the doc suggested Roscoe nurse approximately every 4 hours--which seems like a stretch to me--but it's a goal that we can work toward, especially now that he is eating solids regularly.

The idea is to feed him solids in between nursing so that he eats every 2 hours, but nurses only every four. This will hopefully translate to Roscoe ingesting a greater quantity of milk (particularly hind milk) at each feed, which will help him stay satisfied for increasingly longer periods of time. And if we are very lucky, this may also facilitate fewer night wakings and subsequent feedings, and result in better sleep for everyone.

Also, the fact that Roscoe wakes up approximately every hour means that his sleep cycles are being cut way short and that he may in fact be overtired much of the time, which could explain his high maintenance tendencies. If we can help him learn to nurse less frequently we may ultimately alleviate several of our problem issues.

Our visit today with Dr. Kaplan was the very first in which we felt respected and supported by our provider, and engaged in a dialogue that had our family's best interests at the heart of it.

The past 6 months have been pretty exhausting and we're the first to admit that we haven't had the energy to implement change even when we wanted to. Our eyebrows are raised with anticipation for what this new approach might mean and we're looking forward to getting started.

Can't fight this feeling

As we begin to incorporate solids into Roscoe's feeding routine we take our first step toward weaning. So far our nursing relationship has been a challenging adventure that continues to exceed my expectations. It is sad to realize that reaching this milestone marks the beginning of the end.*

My mom breastfed me, my sister, and my brother. It never crossed my mind to feed my kids any differently. Reinforcing the innate and animalistic nature of mother and child, Roscoe latched on within minutes of being born, but it didn't take long to find out that in this day and age breastfeeding often requires more from both parties, than putting mouth to boob.

The beginning was awkward, and intimate. I was self conscious nursing in the presence of visiting friends and family. Abruptly, the circumstances necessitated a new mindset: my breasts, once a largely sexual--and private--part of my body, were now a means to nourish this tiny, pink, bundle. Anytime. Anywhere. All the time. Everywhere.

Nursing was the one thing that I had not given much thought or research, the only thing I simply trusted would come naturally. With an ex-lactation consultant midwife, and a theoretical community of support via our birthing class, I assumed that if we did happen to run into trouble, certainly someone would know how to fix it.

It took less than 7 days and I was braving the challenges of new motherhood with bleeding, burning nipples.

I cringed with every hunger cry belted from Roscoe's ravenous mouth. At times I wanted to grab my breasts and run far, far, away--in fact, I imitated this very act many times to offer humor to an otherwise emotionally conflicted situation. In one arm I had Roscoe: 7 pounds of newborn with a belly the size of a marble, and an appetite to rival his own mother's. He needed food to grow, and I wanted so badly to feed him. In the other arm I had growing feelings of inadequacy as the task of serving his meals became more difficult and less appealing. I wanted an out, and started looking for the exit.

But what I really wanted was for our breastfeeding relationship to be easier. In truth, I'd never actually watched a baby breastfeed, but from the looks of it didn't babies just open their mouths, latch on, and begin to eat? Why was this so hard for me?

I persevered with the assumption that our problems would resolve on their own, but two weeks went by with no relief, and I was desperate and determined to make this work. La Leche League to the rescue! I wasn't alone after all. My take home message: This is common. Stick with it. It may take as long as 6 to 9 weeks, but eventually breastfeeding will become effortless.

I kept that truth in the back of my mind as I searched the internet for more functional advice. With time I did get the hang of nursing, and Roscoe got the hang of it too. By week six both Roscoe and I were fluent in the art of breastfeeding.

In those early days I did not "recognize" Roscoe, he was so new to me. The only time I felt I truly knew him was when I nursed him. His facial expressions, his grunts, the way his body curled into mine--it was when I nursed that he became familiar. There are qualities of nursing that are difficult to put to words but even in our first days together, breastfeeding inspired me in ways that I had not expected. Never in my life have I gazed into another's eyes as long, or etched so clearly into my mind the features of another human being. The frenzy of feeding is sweet. The rhythmic breaths and gulps come in spurts and I'm completely captivated. My needs as his mother--to ensure his health, and contentment, to meet his need for touch, comfort, and undivided attention, to nurture him, among other things--is largely satisfied during our time spent nursing. Never has his dependency on me been as obvious, or his need for me as blatant.

My body is capable of not only growing and carrying a human being, but also nourishing him exclusively for the first 6 months of his life. I'm a proud momma knowing Roscoe has thrived on my milk alone.

Which brings me back to earlier this afternoon when Roscoe ate with gusto the sweet potato, dates, and brown rice dinner that I prepared for him. I was delighted by his appetite and the apparent pleasure he expressed as he ate. I'm happy knowing that I will still have a role in nourishing my little babe, even after our nursing relationship has ended. And I'm especially pleased that even after he ate a large helping of dinner, he demanded to nurse shortly after.

* Don't worry, I have no intention to truly wean Roscoe any time soon :)

Only three things in life are certain: death, taxes...

I've been summoned for Jury Duty.

Virginia law states that breastfeeding mothers are exempt from their obligation to serve. Yippee! Add that to the list of benefits (if you live in Va or one of the 11 other states with a similar law).

I do have to make a written request within 5 days, but that's a small inconvenience compared to driving, parking, waiting, and possibly being picked as a juror. Not to mention pumping....

Check out the breastfeeding laws in your state here.

2 ounces of sanity

Last week I received the breastshields I ordered from Hawaii--they arrived 4 days early in a crumpled box tossed on the back stoop. A brief bolt of fear struck through me as I envisioned my shields cracked, or worse. To my relief, they were in perfect condition.

That night after nursing Roscoe to sleep, I hooked myself up to the pump and immediately realized the difference in having a breastsheild that fits: suction.

Just a few minutes into the expression phase and the milk was flowing. The first let-down! Unfortunately, it was the only let-down. My 20 minute pumping session produced one let-down and a little less than an ounce of milk. One single ounce.

I was panicked. How can I workout if I can't leave the baby? I re-channeled my anxiety and committed to pumping once every night with the hope that my body would begin to make more milk in order to cover the "feeding". I've pumped every night since, and slowly but surely, I've been able to produce more milk--last night, 2 ounces which = 1 feeding.

What's even better is that I've been to the gym 5 times since I joined, and on the night that Andy braved it alone, he fed Roscoe a bottle and lulled him back to sleep. I arrived home to a quiet house, a long hot shower, and another pumping session.

It's hard to describe how it feels when everything works. Roscoe seems to be mellowing out and I'm back at the gym. I think I'm getting the hang of being Roscoe's mom, and I'm finally starting to feel like myself again. My life: different but improved.

Here's another note of thanks--I'm grateful for technology that allows me to mother the old fashioned way, and still keep up with the modern day.

The last to know.

Kickboxing has been my sport of choice for years. I took my first kickboxing class in highschool, but I really fell in love with the power and the sweat during undergrad. In the world of fitness there are few things I like more than weightlifting, plyometrics, and kickboxing. Oh, and rowing. And running, but only races...seriously though, my heart remains with boxing.

I recently learned that there is an LA Boxing gym in my area. It's tucked in a place where no one would find it, and in fact, when I looked for boxing gyms a few months ago I completely missed it.

Now that I know it exists, I can't stop thinking about it, and I've suddenly found something worth leaving Roscoe for.

Back to the Pump!!

I haven't even attempted to pump in the last three or four months. It was so much work for such little milk, and I found ways to workout closer to home so there really was no need. Still, I figured that something might have changed in the last few months and when I pulled out the pump two nights ago, I had visions of pumping a half bottle with ease....but instead I pumped an ounce. TOTAL. I guess that's what I get for having a baby that nurses every hour, 24 hours a day.

So I turned to the Internet to help me troubleshoot, and I know there are so many variables involved in this equation, but I believe that I definitely have the wrong breastshield size. This article helped, but why is the importance of proper breastshield size not common knowledge? This is a pretty important piece of the pump (there are only three parts!)!

I had to order the shield online because apparently no one in the DC area needs a small breastshield. It's shipping from Hawaii so I have to wait until the 20th to get it. Which is a big fat bummer.

Problems with baby sleep, is it the weekend yet?

Another insane week. No sleep, marathon breastfeeding, and work non-stop.

Around 3.5 months, Roscoe went from waking once or twice a night, to waking every hour. At first, I attributed it to 4 month sleep regression, but now that he's almost 5.5 months, I've really started to wonder what the heck is going on.

Our nights begin around 6 or 7. We get Roscoe ready for bed, we read books, he nurses, and we tuck him into his swing. One hour later he wakes up. I nurse him, and put him back into his swing. An hour later he wakes up, he nurses, into the swing he goes. Aaaaand an hour later, he wakes up, and we bring him into our bed. Lights out. The days of typing, reading, or catching up on Grey's Anatomy are totally over--way too distracting for him, apparently.

For the remainder of the night, Roscoe wakes ON THE HOUR to nurse until, rise-and-shine! It's 7 am.

Add to this a daily routine that consists of two ~30 minute naps and you have two bewildered parents who are now running on empty. Doesn't the boy need sleep? Needless to say, Andy and I definitely do.

I called the hotline at Roscoe's pediatrician's office and the nurse I spoke with was sympathetic but offered nothing in the way of useful advice. Actually, no less than two minutes after I explained that Roscoe was exclusively breastfed she suggested I put rice in his milk to help him sleep longer....

No help there.

Then I called my midwife who I love. Our thought is that Roscoe is just in the habit of nursing. For food, comfort, warmth, boredom, snuggles, etc. So Andy and I are going to try something different this weekend and after I've tanked him up, we're going to see if it's possible to distract Roscoe with other (non boob related) activities that we know he otherwise enjoys, and see if we can begin to space out the nursing. Hallelujah. I hope it works.

As for my job, one challenge inherent to telecommuting is the lack of distinct separation between work and home. Like an addiction, I can't stop checking my work email throughout the day. Roscoe's naps used to be my only downtime, now I'm spending them checking and rechecking my inbox. I'm going to have to establish some boundaries because I'm getting paid by the hour and I'm a part-time employee.

This week I made another successful in-office visit with Nanny M (who continues to be superb) and Roscoe in tow. The thing that made it all worth it in the end was a single Georgetown Cupcake. Yum. I want more.

Going back to work has made for a difficult transition, even with my reduced hours and under ideal conditions. Finding balance is awfully hard these days.

Hallelujah

Finally, some breastfeeding advice that actually makes sense!

I guess I'm a visual learner, because for us this did the trick.

Bummer

For a long time (5 weeks) I've been complaining about how I want to get back to the gym, and how I've been held prisoner by the "breastfeeding/pumping/bottle feeding/nipple confusion" dilemma.

It's been almost six weeks since Roscoe was born. Six is also the number of weeks we were told to wait before introducing a bottle. Despite the frustrating fact that Roscoe and I really have not perfected the art of breastfeeding, I've become more comfortable with the idea of introducing a bottle.

Our pediatrician recommended that we practice bottle feeding with Roscoe beforehand, in case he did not immediately take to it. I assumed that we would work on bottle feeding this week, and by NEXT week we would all be feeling confident enough for me to re-enter the fit club.

Plus, with Roscoe currently going through another growth spurt, and nursing every hour or so for the last 28 hours, I figured now would be as good a time to start as any.

Andy crossed the street to retrieve my frozen stash of breast milk from our neighbor's freezer (why they had the milk is a story for a different day), and I quickly set about defrosting the baggies in a bowl of running water. Sadly, I hadn't pumped nearly as much as I remembered, and had to use 6 of the 8 baggies I had stored in order to constitute a meager 4 ounces. Given, my initial efforts at pumping in the early weeks did not amount to very much milk, and I haven't really been motivated to pump since then.

After I filled the bottle (a brand that claims to mimic breastfeeding by requiring the baby to first compress the inner chamber, and then suck the nipple to release the milk), I heated a pot of water and diligently swirled the bottle around for several minutes until the milk was nice and warm.

Earlier in the day we had reread an article dedicated to "bottle feeding the breastfed baby" so we were feeling prepared, and excited to get started.

No sooner had Andy touched the nipple to Roscoe's lips, than Roscoe went to town. He quickly sucked down the first ounce which had us worried because we were aiming to spread the feeding out over 20 minutes or more. Andy initiated breaks every so often to burp Roscoe and engage him in conversation, but Roscoe was pretty short tempered, with only one thing on his mind.

Once it was clear that good progress was being made, I sat down on the other side of the room to pump and simultaneously eat my dinner. I could hear Roscoe's satisfied gulps, and little sighs, and could see his fists balled up tight under his chin.



As Roscoe enjoyed his first bottled meal, I was feeling really good about the whole thing. I imagined hopping out the back door, my tennies firmly on the road, and run, run, running .... back at home Andy would prepare a bottle, feed our little Roscoe 'till his belly was full, and I would return home 400 calories lighter to the treat of a sleeping baby.

Just as I was getting giddy I heard a little gurgle. Two seconds later Andy yelled out "Roscoe just projectile vomited all his milk!"

No. Way.

But it was true. In one steady stream, he'd literally evacuated the entire contents of his belly, and the evidence was all over Poppa and poor Baby Roscoe.

At the realization I suddenly felt quite depressed. Seriously. I wanted to cry.

The good news is that Roscoe took to the bottle like a baby leach. The bad news is that my frozen milk supply is practically gone, and now that we've established our desire to bottle feed him once a day, I have to figure out how to logistically breastfeed a baby every couple hours AND pump enough milk to escape the house 5 times a week.

We also learned a few good lessons:
1. Stretch the feeding session even more in order to allow his body to accurately register when he's full
2. Burp often and long enough to get out all the bubbles
3. No bouncing, or playing immediately after a feeding

And, as a final note, I will remind myself that even though this was not a perfect first run, I am that much closer to gaining a little freedom! This could mean a trip to the gym, a run around the neighborhood, date night, a movie, or even just a break during one of Roscoe's feeding frenzies.

25 down!

In an effort to jump start my pregnancy weight loss, I joined Weight Watchers 6 days postpartum. Halfway through the first week, it was clear that the pounds were going to come off regardless of how closely I stuck to my points allowance. So, while I kept track of my intake, I modified neither the type of food that I ate, nor the quantity.

After 3.5 weeks of free-for-all eating, I think I'm ready to get serious.

Part of me doubts my ability to truly focus on the nutrition piece until I'm back in a routine at the gym. For me, the two have always gone hand in hand. At earliest, I'm probably looking at next week since my ability to leave the house to work out is contingent on my and Roscoe's ability to master breastfeeding in order to introduce a bottle without compromising his latch. There is such a thing as "nipple confusion", and I want to avoid it! This is tricky stuff!

My fingers are crossed that we'll be well situated in the next week or two.

So, in the name of accountability, I'm posting that I have 15 pounds left to lose, and that tomorrow is start day!

Yipee!

With the help of this I pumped 3 whole ounces of liquid gold. Who knew something so ugly could be so useful!

While pumping "hands free" I enjoyed a bagel, a banana, a nectarine, and a magazine. Prior to pumping, I even managed to take a shower--all this and it's only 7:00 am!

Today is going to be a good day!