Small Comforts and Little Luxuries: Summer Edition

It's full blown July here in Virginia and I'm sharing a few of my current favorite things with you in this Summer edition of Small Comforts and Little Luxuries.

These posts are about the little things that don't cost a lot (though they may feel like a splurge!) but add value because they are delightful. As you seek out facets of life to enhance your own comfort, pleasure, and joy, just think of purchases like these as part of your self-care. :)

Alima Pure Luminous Shimmer Eyeshadow in Leone: $12.50

I'm in love with Alima Pure's mineral makeup line. Their luminous shimmer eyeshadow in Leone is eye brightening, and makes a perfect easy one-layer application for an almost naked summer eye. It's great for days when you want to look polished but not made up, and it double times it for date night when used as a highlighter.

Alima Pure Satin Matte Blush in Apricot: $20.00

A subtle matte orange that layers well and gives just the right warmth for cheerful summer cheeks.

Omni Focus for Mac, a Personal Task Management Platform:
$40 each, OS X/iOS 

After more than 15 years of paper agendas, I finally went digital! Since quitting formal work I have not had the same need or responsibility to be organized, but man does it feel nice to be on top of all my personal projects and commitments again.

First I transferred all my dates and scribbles from my old planner into google calendar. That alone was a huge improvement.

I dowloaded a 14-day trial of OmniFocus, which seamlessly merges your calendar and your to-do lists in a novel interface that makes the very effort to be organized both pleasant and easy.  It took me a few days to optimize use but I was convinced before the trial ended to buy an app for both my phone and laptop.

OmniFocus is the best of both worlds, merging the freedom and satisfaction that paper always offered with the electronic advantage of efficiency. No more notes scribbled on scraps of paper and stuffed in my purse, swallowed by the mess on my desk, forgotten in notes on my phone, or shuffled into a pile on the kitchen island. No more reliance on a huge hardcover agenda to lug around or forget at home. Everything important is in one place, easily accessible and synced to my phone and computer.

I feel more productive than I have in years, which may also have something to do with the fact that the boys are growing up, but either way, if you're looking for an organizational system that *could* change the way you feel in your life, you may want to check this out.

Cleopatra by Tocca:  $18.50 for miniTocca 0.5 fl oz

Inspired by the Mediterranean seductress, Cleopatra, this is my current favorite perfume for Summer. It stays in the heat, and a little dab goes a long way.

Top Notes: Bitter Grapefruit, Lush Greens, Cassis Bud
Middle Notes: White Jasmine, Peach Nectar, Tuberose
Bottom Notes: Warm Patchouli, Golden Amber, Rich Vanilla Musk

Mesh is IN! Crux Capri: $89.00

These are my go-to pants for lifting workouts. Sexy and fun, I get a lot of compliments, and the mesh is both functional and cooling.

I also have these Training Tough Crops from Lululemon, which are equally airy and better for outdoor running and sweaty SealTeamPT workouts. (If you're local, let me know if you want to come out with me and try a workout this Summer!)

Primal Pit Paste Natural Deodorant: $10.95

One of my goals this year was to reduce our use of plastics in the kitchen, and chemicals in my makeup and body care products. Throwing out the kidware and bringing in some stainless steel and aluminum options made for an easy transition and fortunately, brands like Alima Pure and Primal Pit Paste have bridged the gap in an area that I thought was going to be really tough to find alternatives I could be happy with.

I work out most days of the week doing a variety of activities from weight lifting, to walking the river, running outside with sealteampt and around town with the kids. As a former "clinical strength" deodorant girl, I am here to report that this brand (with baking soda and arrowroot powder) is very effective and works as well as any other I've tried, for the first 24 hours. After that, not so much but good enough! I've stuck with the unscented version so far, but the new coconut lime sounds like a beachy-fresh scent for swimsuit days.

Summer Strawberry Wallpapers for Phones and Desktops: 

I'm a lover of strawberry anything (and everything) and over the winter I got a strawberry tattoo that wraps my forearm so I could sport them year 'round. Now that it's mid-July, and in the mood for a girly wallpaper for my phone and desktop, I found a few options that bring a little summer sweetness to my usual online chores.

The stay sweet design is on my phone now, and Design Love Fest's little berries remind me of a pattern from some fabric on the baby blanket my mom sewed for me in the 80's, which makes me happy.

Clockwise from top right: The Wonder Forest, Design Love Fest, Designs by Miss Mandee, 

I want to hear from you! What small comforts and little luxuries are keeping you cool and feeling good this Summer?

Family Photos at Libby Hill Park and a Mini-Session Photoshoot Coupon for my Local Readers!

We haven't had family photos taken in over a year and I'm pretty sure we've landed in a new phase of life with these two boys of ours, so it was time.

All the change and growth that has come as we've transitioned away from the toddler years has made way for a sudden shift in the last twelve months to more independence and autonomy. It has been transformative for all of us. As the Summer rallies on I'm truly enjoying the ways that our life here in Richmond—and my mothering adventure too—continues to grow more carefree, and peaceful. 

We chose Libby Hill Park for this midsummer photo shoot to highlight not only our family but the city we love so. The views from this hilltop vista, overlooking the James River and the Richmond skyline, actually inspired the original naming of the city as they were reminiscent of those from Richmond on the Thames, in England. 

Summer in Virginia is a sultry time of year and the last few weeks have brought rain and thunderclouds on top of it all. Sunday evening up on the hill was surprisingly cool and breezy.

We met up with Jake from Courage & Co Photography for a few easy shots of us and the kids who are now four and six. (It's good times, I tell you!)

Here are a few of my favorites.

If you're local to RVA, and you want in on a great deal for a mini-session of your own, keep reading!

Now for the fun part! 

Jake's style is fresh, modern, photojournalism and he's offering my readers a 30 minute mini-session in a favorite Richmond locale for the sweet price of $60.00! 

A mini-session is a great way to celebrate important milestones and all the everyday moments in between. And 60 bucks is a real deal!

Email Jake at courage.co.photo@gmail.com and include in your message the offer code: MarblesRollingRVA 

You can also find Jake on Facebook and WeddingWire for more portfolio images. 

Self Care and Keeping Organized: Part III of the Work/Life/Self Series Guest Post

In a three part interview I'm answering questions from Sarah at Next Page, New Chapter on topics ranging from career to homeschool and self care. 

Sarah and I worked for the same company in my pre-baby DC days and I'm so happy we've stayed connected over the years through our writing. She's a mama to one fiery red-head and balances a full-time job (and insane commute) with all her other pursuits. Like the rest of us she's curious how other mothers navigate work and motherhood.

Today in Part III of the Work/Life/Self series guest post I'm talking about self care and home organization. 

You can jump to the full interview HERE. Just Joining Us? Catch up on Part I and Part II. 

Copyright @ marblesrolling.blogspot.com

S: How do you manage to keep yourself mentally, emotionally and physically healthy? Do you have any daily or weekly rituals?

J: I thought for a long time that self care meant going to the dentist, getting my haircut—stuff I needed to do to take care of myself, right? I have since reframed self care as an opportunity to refuel, it's the stuff in life that brings joy and pleasure: time spent in nature, time alone to read and write and dream and plan and pursue my projects, quality time spent in deep conversations with my husband and girlfriends, good food, comfortable underwear and cozy pajamas!

I have time built into every week that I know is mine to use for these activities. Andy works late on Mondays so those evenings are always very quiet and relaxing after the kids are in bed. I also have six hours on Sundays that I usually devote to an outdoor hike and time spent writing. I workout in the early mornings or late evenings 5 days a week. This all sounds like a lot but I feel calmer and more energized to be the mom that my kids deserve when I prioritize taking care of myself.

As an aside, adequate sleep cannot be underestimated! I know it’s hard to find when the kids are young, and choosing sleep over getting things done can be tough at the end of the day when it seems there aren’t enough hours to attend to all the things that pull our attention but, if there is one simple place to start this is it! The days are exponentially more difficult when I’m tired.

It’s been an iterative process for me to identify what I need, communicate those desires to my husband, and grow increasingly willing to let go when it comes to the kids while I’m away. Self care was not part of my vocabulary for the first three years of motherhood, at least.

As for rituals, we have this little stovetop pressure steamer that froths up a dreamy foam and every morning I make a latte for myself with vanilla extract and a dash of ground cloves. I also really love my makeup brand right now and it has re-inspired my morning routine. Writing on Sundays at different coffee shops that I enjoy starts my week off right and grounds my energy.

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Do you have special rituals that keep you sane? Any tips to share for keeping yourself and your home organized?

BoldHeartMama Instagram Photo Challenge

Instagram is my favorite social media channel, a mini-log of time well spent and a great platform for sharing the story of our days through the photos we capture. Instagram offers a more intimate portrait of life and I enjoy the telling as much as I do the opportunity to catch a glimpse of what life looks like every day for the other mamas I follow.  

In honor of all the BoldHeart Mamas out there I thought it would be fun to host a #BoldHeartMama Instagram photo challenge for the month of February.

Are you a BoldHeart Mama? I think so!

The BoldHeartMama seeks to be inspired. She is a relentless learner—curious, inquisitive, and open to the possibilities of her life and of the human condition. She asks questions that dig deeper.  

She pays attention to and nurture's whatever it is she really cares about, and she lets go of the rest knowing that she can't do and be everything all at once.  

She embraces her imperfections—her imperfect self, her imperfect home, her imperfect mothering, her imperfect desires—and yet she doesn't stop evolving. She is authentic and true to herself. She relies on her creativity and her resourcefulness to solve the big and little challenges that she and her family face together as they navigate their relationships and their world. She is willing to take calculated risks to make her biggest dreams come true. 

She is present and engaged and makes things happen. She knows there's only this ONE LIFE and she's all in. Her intuition is her guide. She is a BoldHeart and she's living in the moment, making small moves and taking little steps that add up. She's cultivating a good life for her family and she's living her best life in the process.   

Will you share what BoldHeartMama looks like for you, in the little moments that add up to a life well-lived?

To join in just save the #BoldHeartMama theme list on your desktop, phone, or tablet, grab your camera and start posting! Don't forget to tag your photos with #BoldHeartMama so I can find you.

You can find me at @MarblesRolling. 

How we spend our days, is how we spend our lives. -Annie Dillard

Defining Success and Looking Ahead to the New Year 2015

There are many "New Years" for me throughout the calendar year.

Like a blank piece of paper new beginnings are delightful, and I thrive where I have space to dream up all the possibilities. Any place in time where I can envision the next 365 days unfurled at my feet like an unworn path is a promising point to begin.

I can rely on the turn of the seasons, my birthday, the boys birthdates, and of course January first to stir up an invitation for reflection, but any time is a good time if I'm in need of a fresh start.

I chip along at making what's good better, and righting our little family ship back on course in what feels like almost constant iteration, and so the official start of a new year and its accompanying goal setting rituals feels a little ordinary but no less fulfilling.

Last year's transition from Working Mama to Not Working Mama (and a homeschooling one at that), left me feeling a sense of loss for my professional self and a nagging lack of purpose. Despite feeling more relaxed and more present than ever before.

I was so content and yet, I wasn't.

I needed to find my focus so I enrolled in a workshop created by Jen Gresham at Every Day Bright and dug deep for a couple months to articulate what meaningful success looks like for me at this point in my life. Ambitious, educated, desiring adventure and connection and, most of all, striving to be a good mother to my two boys, a good friend and partner to my husband.

I'm sharing my definition of success here because it provides context for my intentions in the upcoming year, but also because it was a transformative exercise that gave the immediate payoff of feeling more peaceful about the decisions we've made for my career and the boys' education and our overall lifestyle. It also helped me to see very specifically how my writing can serve me in a professional capacity, even on a small scale, and without aspiration—or caveat—for getting paid.

I know I am not alone in having to work at finding a sense of purpose in the midst of the huge responsibility and joy and satisfaction that comes with mothering while also desiring to integrate the esteem that professional work can offer, maybe my words will resonate with something that you want for yourself:

Success is a comfortable and low stress lifestyle that allows me first to take care of myself, and then to be the kind of mother my kids deserve and need. To enjoy my mothering experience day-to-day is critical to my perception of short term success and a much-needed affirmation of my personal investment to our collective home-life. To nurture my marriage, familial relationships, and core friendships with intention and care, as well as with grace and generosity. To embody the BoldHeart life** in my decision making, and through our investments of time and money. My writing will complement and extend my desire to live life, and forge meaningful connection. My writing will develop and extend my voice and perspective in a way that penetrates the world outside my home. My writing will connect me to the experiences of others and vice versa. My published writing will provide the personal esteem that I crave and a professional platform for self expression and recognition.

**To be inspired; ask questions; take risks; pay attention to and nurture what I really care about; accept challenge; be a relentless learner: inquisitive, curious, and open to possibility; embrace imperfection; ground myself in nature; rely on creative and resourceful problem solving; seek personal truth and authenticity; stay engaged; listen and act on my own intuition.

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Now I'm really showing my crazy side for self awareness and personal growth but lets take a quick step back...

In 2008 I began reading Style Statement: live by your own design, but the workbook was lengthy and Roscoe was born shortly after, so discovering my style statement at that point in time just wasn't compelling.  Eventually though I made my way back to the book and in 2012 I coined the term BoldHeart and began to apply it in my every day life.  

Then, in late 2013—after reading another book by Danielle LaPorte called The Desire Map, a guide to creating goals with soul—I identified a handful of core desires that I wanted fulfilled on a daily basis: 

Nurtured.

Inspired.

Connected.

Peaceful.

Purposeful.

I refer to them often as overarching themes to guide my priorities.

________________

OK back to 2015! Before I share a few of my goals for the upcoming year, I'll tell you a little about what is working for us right now:

• After nearly 6 years I've finally learned how to take care of my mother self; I know what I need, I know how to ask for it, and how to prioritize self care. 
• I have a deep sense of purpose in my marriage and in my relationship with the boys. 
• Date nights have become a regular thing around here, and our collaborative investment in our individual and shared projects is at an all time high. We're keyed into and contributing to what matters to the other, and it hasn't always been that way. 
• Our family priorities and our investments of time and money are well aligned, and our routines are working pretty well for us. 
• We look forward to designing and building our house this year (if all timing works out!), to celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary, and to squeezing in some so-far-unplanned family travel where we can. 

For the next season of life, be it the first few months of 2015, or until I get the urge to reflect and revise again, here are my opportunities to improve: 

Nurtured: In 2015 I will continue my slow trek back to my pre-Merritt weight (oy!), and we will to continue to reduce our consumption of plastic as well as find greener alternatives to our favorite cosmetic and sundry brands. I look forward to applying a more significant and tangible approach to seasonal living. (I'm one week into the HomeSpun Seasonal Living workbook, if anyone else is interested.) 

Inspired: I plan to take a few local cooking and writing classes this year, and to attend the James River Writers Conference in October, and the VAHomeschoolers conference in March. I will also continue to improve my PBH mentoring skills and approach my role with even greater intention so that I can help the boys to make their ideas happen, achieve their personal goals, and develop as learners.  

Connected: I will continue to build relationships and community for myself around homeschooling and writing. Andy and I both want to invest a little more into our couples friendships, so we hope to add into our regular date night rotation some double- and family-dates with a few folks that we really want to get to know better. DIS-connecting from aspects of social media and simplifying the ways that I access information.

Peaceful: I will continue to work on modeling healthy ways to manage negative emotion and resolve conflict, as well as facilitate and support Roscoe and Merritt's sibling relationship. 

Purposeful: I'm going to write more! And work on making those latter aspects of my success definition fall into place. My first 5.5 years as a mother have been a whirlwind, but I have high hopes that 2015 will be the year that I really settle into and enjoy where we are in life and the choices that we’ve made to get here. 

Little Luxuries Bring Comfort and Joy: Winter Edition

I'm enjoying some of my christmas gifts so much that I thought I would share here in case you are in the mood to get yourself a little something to ring in the New Year. These are the little luxuries in life that bring comfort and joy to every day.

I followed Baron Fig's Kickstarter campaign last year and really could not wait for their Confidant journal to come to fruition. Baron Fig makes sketchbooks & notebooks designed with an underlying philosophy of simplicity, usefulness & community. I love the dimensions, the fact that it lays flat so you can dig into every page without a margin getting in the way, and options for blank, dot grid, or ruled pages. I also got a pack of the apprentice pocket notebooks so I can record all my little fly away thoughts before I forget them. I journal daily and I'm looking forward to filling up this pretty one with new ideas and memories in 2015.

Good travel writing is a fantastic way to get lost somewhere far away when you have only a few consecutive minutes to spare at any given time. Better than Fiction offers the unique twist of short nonfiction travel stories written by great fiction writers. I'm just a few stories in but look forward to being captivated by a new travel adventure each night before bed.  

My all time favorite Capri Blue's Volcano scent IN A SOAP! What a happy surprise under the tree. Volcano is the scent of tropical fruits, sugared oranges, lemons, and limes, redolent with lightly exotic mountain greens. What more is there to say? Well, it makes the whole bathroom (and nearby bedrooms) smell delicious, and it has a luscious lather. 

One of the big decisions I happily make each year is to choose an agenda. I am serious about my calendars and I heavily rely on them to stay organized. I enjoyed the Day Designer last year but decided on Emily Ley's Simplified Planner for 2015. It's full of color and downright cheerful, and it has all the space I need to keep track of my most important stuff: our daily routine, to-dos, and what's for dinner.  (She's sold out right now of all her planners, but I hear she has three new additions coming out in May and September.) 

This magazine makes me happy to tears when I read it. The writing is excellent, the photos are breathtaking, and every issue simultaneously stirs up and satisfies a mean case of wanderlust. The stories and highlights give an intimate perspective on some of the world's better known destinations but it really caters to the more obscure parts of the planet that I never knew I should consider visiting. When I want to be inspired for future family travel or just escape into dreamland the treasures inside make the vast world seem a whole lot smaller and accessible. 

Our personal philosophy and beliefs about food have been highly influenced by Sally Fallon and her book Nourishing Traditions. However, that text can feel a little overwhelming and without modern appeal. The Nourished Kitchen by Jenny McGruther bridges the gap for me with photography that invites and entices, and seasonally inspired traditional foods recipes that I want to cook and eat right now. This will likely become my next cook-through cookbook!

I recently switched all my makeup over to Alima Pure and I have never had this much fun, or felt as comfortable and confident in what I put on my skin every day. The colors. The brand. The products. Oh they are amazing, and these brushes make applying my makeup every morning effortless and even more merry. 

All year I have been documenting and displaying Roscoe's ideas, play, and process on our walls throughout the house as a way to reflect and share his learning.  I've found, however, that photos just aren't quite as illustrative in black and white. Nope. They are not. In times like these a laser color printer is pure joy! 

On Sabbatical: a practice in Savasana

I've been on sabbatical for the last four months. I needed to put away my phone, step away from my email, and live without the expectant urgency of being on call. The start of the new year felt like great timing.

I was intimidated to declare my intentions for a break—it felt risky because MamaBorn had great momentum and work was very steady—but I knew it was what I needed, and it felt like good practice to listen to that inner voice of knowing. It felt even better (in hindsight, at least) to reply YES.

Yes, take a break. Yes, your work and everything else will benefit. Yes, you will figure it out.
Ah, sweet relief.

Not counting two maternity leaves, I've never taken a full break from paid work. At first I felt naked with a clear calendar. It was hard NOT to think about MamaBorn, or some variation of MamaBorn. I found it a challenge to circumvent the natural spontaneous brainstorming that had become my routine. It was hard to stop from dreaming up new projects for MamaBorn, new approaches to marketing, new services, and new formats for delivering birth education to expectant parents. I had to force myself to adopt the savasana mentality—a challenging yoga pose of total relaxation—and resist the urge to think or make or do anything in particular.

This card hangs in my office as a reminder. Credit: Colette Paperie.

I spent January cheerfully but reluctantly settling in. I talked a lot—to anyone who would listen—and brain dumped my nervous energy into my journal to try to clear my head and regain clarity on what my next steps would be. (An iterative process that always brought me back to my intention to master Savasana.)

February was devoted to catching up on a long list of accumulated to-dos that had created a life of their own while I was enraptured with work and family. My office was a disaster and the changing season called me to clear our home space to make room for whatever was to come. So I cleaned, and purged, and organized everything under our little roof.

Writers block had also been pressing hard for months so I enrolled in a creative writing class to try to get out from under it. Timed writing exercises and mandatory read alouds tenderly pushed me beyond my comfort zone. It was terrifying and inspiring. I realized that ordinary life—theirs and even mine—offers universal narratives that are interesting and so worth the writing and telling. I found a new perspective for the censors that live in my head and gladly re-claimed my writers voice.

In March we declared our commitment to homeschooling, and here is where I acknowledge the ways in which the choices that Andy and I make for our family life directly impact my ability to devote energy and time to my paid work. Our priorities have shifted yet again, and I'm just sitting with the uncertainty of all of it and holding space for the possibilities. It is an uncomfortable place for me but I'm getting better at riding out these known unknowns. (I think I accepted the likely ebb and flow trajectory of my career within the the first few months of new motherhood.)

Here it is the end of April and for now, due to Summer travels that begin next month, my Sabbatical continues indefinitely. It feels impossible to know how much energy I will have to pursue MamaBorn in its current incarnation, or even the possibility of another baby, until we begin our homeschooling journey and I can see it unfold in real-time,

How do you mentally juggle career and family? How do you live in the present? Does Savasana come easy for you?

13 Great Parenting Books for all Seasons (of parenting)

Does Fall make you want to get back to the basics of cozy living, and focus on your relationship with your kids?

I wrote this piece to share my favorite parenting books on RichmondMom. You can read the full article here. 

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The start of a new season inspires (and sometimes demands!) a new family routine or rhythm, especially the transition from Summer’s jubilee to Fall-time’s responsibility and refocus on life at home.

As we march into Fall, I turn my attention from the warm, humid, and carefree adventures of a Summer spent out of doors, to the cool, crisp, and toasty retreat of September, October and November. For us these months of the year are about cultivating all that is good under our little roof, which includes quality time spent together being creative, sharing gratitude, experimenting in the kitchen, and creating a sense of tradition around the seasonal changes.

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Exploring Death: conversations with my four year old

Roscoe has been bringing up the subject of death a lot lately.


He asks matter-of-fact about the way death works and then unravels in disagreement and sadness when my attempts to deliver simple and honest answers (if I can call them that) miss his mark of four year old expectation.

He asks what will happen to us when we die.

Truthfully, my version of what happens leaves a lot to be desired, even for me, as we are agnostic—some days even atheistic. So I tell him (in these and other words) that our bodies stop working but that our energy lives on in the people who love us and who have ever been affected by us, and that our energy is literally recycled back into the earth and universe to nourish the future.

He wants to keep his energy, he cries in despair. 

He asks who will take care of his toys when he dies.

I sit there contemplatively silent, thinking to myself that there’s no need to worry about this as he’ll be moved on from toys, an old man at best. Yet I understand he lives in the here and now, and that his toys represent much more to him than I may comprehend.

I fumble over my words to explain some thing that will make any sense to him at all. He rescues me mid-sentence to say that he’s got it: his kids will take care of his toys for him! He’s satisfied and happy with this answer. I flinch, overcome with a warm wash of bitter sweetness imagining it.

Later, at dinner, he climbs up onto my chair, wraps his arms around my neck and pushes his warm little body against my chest. He whispers into my ear, “I love you so much. You are so special to me. I never want to lose you.”

I wonder if he’s thinking about death again. Mine or his. His inquiries and curiosities unnerve me.

The topic of death is one of my least favorite places to wander. Not now, when the boys are so tender and young. Not when our collective dreams (even our very purpose as parents) are so vested in one another at this time in our lives.

What troubles me is my inability to create a sense of safety for him. A truth, or knowing, that he can carry with him for certain. While I can stand to wrestle with the uncertainty of life, I wish for him to be protected from it a while longer. 

How does your own certainty or uncertainty on the subject of what happens when we die effect your ability to explore the subject with your kids?

Be Brave and Kind, small steps in gathering courage to let go

I wrote this piece for RichmondMom. You can read the full article here. 
______________________________

I felt a kind of courage on Roscoe’s first day of summer camp when his delight and anticipation for something yet unknown felt so much mine. We drove steadily across town with the windows open. The warm air blew through the backseat, and roared to the front where I watched him through the rear view mirror. He was a little quieter than usual, ruminating. “Mama, can you roll the windows up? I can’t hear!” When the air fell silent he spoke with thoughtful pauses and upward inflections to question if the other kids would be kind to him. He wondered out loud about whether his teacher would help him out of a bind if he needed her.

Wall art displayed in our playroom to remind us every day.
(Mixed media by the lovely Suzanne L. Vinson)

I assured him, with genuine enthusiasm (tempered by the hesitation I felt from the weight of my own looming questions), that he was going to meet buddies at school and that, with the help of his teacher, they would work together to take good care of each other.

But the truth is that I couldn’t promise that kids would be kind or that his teacher would be available to help him if he was in need of rescue. I couldn’t guarantee that my little guy, who had been home with me for his first four years would follow direction, get along in a crowd, or manage his emotions as I know he can, but often doesn’t.

I parked the car and helped him out of his seat. He positioned his back pack just so and as we walked to drop-off he trailed a step or two behind me. He perked up as I reminded him that I would be back in a few short hours and that the suspense would kill me until then: I couldn’t wait to hear all about his day.

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Two kids or three?

A view from the sound, NC.

After dinner had been devoured, and after we abandoned the dining room with the tablecloth that often doubles as a napkin and the piled dishes and the leftovers that would surely have to wait until morning, and after I helped the boys into their jammies and read them each a story, and after I sang my rendition of hush little baby (complete with a firetruck and a too short ladder, a police car with a much too quiet siren, and an ambulance too slow to make it in time), and not until I shushed them from the near and far corners of the house and their eyes were closed and their breathing heavy, only then did I tiptoe across the unswept floors to pour myself a glass of wine, scoop up my journal, and find my place on the screened-in porch to spend some time with my thoughts.

As I journaled about my relationship with food, of all things, It suddenly hit me that maybe Andy is right, maybe two kids are enough. I have for years thought of myself as a woman meant to mother many children, always imagining a closely spaced grouping of four or five siblings.

Over the last few months a new feeling has been creeping up slowly and surely until one day last week after a typical morning, I sent a text to Andy: Today I do not want any more kids. 

We have argued and discussed this topic for more than 2 years. Should we have a third? Should we aim for four? Should we stick with two? His reply: You are a great momma, don't forget it. 

The kids are amazing. Each of them. Both of them. They are cunning and funny, testy and full of grand emotion. They surprise us in ways that astound us and alarm us. They are so different from each other and yet so the same. I am not a perfect mother but I am a good one. I do not love imaginary play or loud noises, or chaos. I am sometimes overwhelmed to meet the demands of these two growing boys. At the end of many days I am tired. So very tired.

For years I was resolute that 4 was my lucky number. Two didn't feel like "family" the way that three does, and four just tips it all over the edge to guarantee a boisterous home life and kindred spirits for days. I can look ahead to when the kids are grown and take comfort in the idea of having all that company and extended family to call on.  I like the way I think that would feel.

The justification game: the weighing of short and long-term costs and benefits. I find that the exercise can be a little bit of a thrill when I am on the side of saying goodbye to the childbearing years. But there is a sadness too in leaving it behind so suddenly. When I was pregnant with Merritt, when I gave birth to him, when I weaned him, I knew there would be a third. On the other hand, I have experienced all of my motherhood so far in real time, intensely, and truly. I've written about it, I've processed it, I've lived it.

I value my relationship with my kids and husband more than anything else, but there are other things happening in the world that inspire me too. With Merritt turning 3 this Winter and Roscoe turning 5 next Spring, some of the lost freedom that came with pregnancy and parenting in the early years feels just within arms reach. I'm so tempted.

One morning last week, the energy of the kids was so very high that I played momma hooky and called in our nanny two hours early because I just needed to get away. But then there are nights like last night where we all move through our nightly routine in rhythm and without fuss, and I can see a version of perfection co-existing in this messy house. It is a good life.

For today at least, I'm willing to try on the idea that the two boys we have are and will forever more be enough for us. Is there ever a final word on this kind of life decision, anyway? It's a pretty tough call to make one way or the other isn't it. (Interestingly, we had a similar discussion around this time last year...)

Nursing a Newborn with a Toddler Underfoot: creating a peaceful environment

Today is the last day of World Breastfeeding Week. I promise not to post here every article I write in other channels, but this one may be helpful to some of you juggling the needs of two or more little ones!

I wrote this piece for RichmondMom. You can read the full article here. 

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When my second little boy was born, my wild and spirited toddler added a whole new dimension to the already great responsibility of breastfeeding a newborn. I was surprised by how difficult it was to create personal space to nurse, free from curious hands and exuberant limbs. I often felt frustrated and disappointed, craving peace during the many nursing intervals woven throughout every day.

Perhaps you can relate.

Your toddler may be curious about breastfeeding, interested in the new baby, or vying for your undivided attention. He is likely to explore and test his limits when your attention is directed to the new baby. He may interpret your sitting down to nurse as his cue to try out some new tricks, wedge himself behind your back, or stretch out on top of little sister.

Juggling the demands of a nursing newborn and the emotional needs of an active toddler may test your patience and your breastfeeding resolve but you can plan ahead to work with your toddler and make the best of your family’s transition.

Create a safe environment that works for you and your toddler: Set up a comfortable nursing station with everything you need within arms reach: burp cloths, a nursing pillow, a water bottle, easy to eat snacks, and your phone. Orient your nursing station in close proximity to the area in which your toddler plays, or bring your toddlers play toys near to your nursing station. Baby proof the designated space so that your child can explore freely, and consider creating a closed space with a baby gate or a locked door to keep your little one within sight.

Talk to your toddler about babies: Share stories about what he was like as a newborn and how you cared for him. Talk about what newborns look like, how they spend their time, and what makes them happy. Newborns nurse a lot, they sleep, and they cry. Babies love to be held, they enjoy silly voices and funny faces, they like to explore with their mouths and hands. Talk about the ways that your older child can help you to care for their little brother or sister. We love the book Everywhere Babies by Susan Meyers, a celebration of babies and the many ways they are cared for. Talk openly about breastfeeding and explain it in simple terms that your toddler will understand.

(Read more...)

When Breastfeeding Sucks: 13 things to try

I'm excited to announce that I will be writing regularly for RichmondMom a local online magazine. My first article went live this afternoon and I'm thrilled for the opportunity to write in more detail on topics related to pregnancy, normal birth, postpartum, and mothering. 

If you've been following along for a while you know that I treasure the breastfeeding relationships that I shared with my two boys (Merritt just weaned a few months ago!) and I have written about my experience many times over the years. (Click on the Breastfeeding link in the left nav sidebar under Our Stories to read more.) 

Still, breastfeeding can be really hard work and it requires a huge time commitment and a share of personal sacrifice.  Like other aspects of mothering there are moments of pure love and bliss, as well as fear and loathing.

I would love your ideas for future topics, please share in the comment section.

If you are like most pregnant and newly postpartum mamas then you are aware of the many benefits that breastfeeding offers to you and your baby. You also probably have a goal in mind for how long you would like to breastfeed whether it be until you transition back to work, six months, one year, or more!

Breast milk is a human baby’s normal food, and while the physiology of lactation is a natural process, breastfeeding is a learned skill and many mamas say it can be really hard at first.

Even if you don’t experience any of the most common complications like low milk supply, nipple pain, engorgement, plugged ducts, or mastitis, you may still find the commitment and the demands of breastfeeding around the clock to be exhausting.

So what do you do if the mechanics of breastfeeding are going well, but the effort required feels herculean and you secretly wonder how much longer you can keep at this? Whatever your goals, whatever your challenges, many mamas share your sentiment.

Here are a few suggestions to help get you through: 

1. Know what is normal nursing behavior for a healthy newborn. Calm your fears, gather your confidence. Newborn babies nurse 8-12 times every 24 hours. That’s a lot of time spent nursing! Read up if you can before your baby is born. Check out from the library or buy your own copy of a comprehensive and evidence based reference guide like The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, and visit Kellymom.com. Find a local chapter of La Leche League and attend a meeting—you’ll meet other moms in all phases and stages of breastfeeding who’ve been there and done that so bring your baby, or a friend, and a list of whatever is on your mind. Most importantly, take heart and know that you are not alone in navigating the highs and lows of nursing your baby.

(...read the full article here)

Spring Babies

I don't know what it is about the Summertime but it makes me want to have another baby.

Maybe it's Virginia this time of year, with its long daylight hours, balmy heat and humid nights, heavy rains and intense thunderstorms, and a beckoning call to open air living. Or maybe it is the slower pace that we keep in the summer months of of June, July, and August. It all seems so suddenly easy. The mornings escape us with Merritt taking a nap at 10:30, and the afternoons are so carefree, they demand less structure and more adventure. I can create in the kitchen with the back door wide open as the kids play naked in the backyard. The sun is still up when Andy gets home for dinner. Bedtime follows closely behind and Roscoe and Merritt are so beat from our explorations of the day that they fall asleep without a fuss as their curls hit their bed sheets, which leaves entire evenings for Andy and me.  Perhaps it is human nature that we mate in the Summer so that we can have babies in the Spring like all other smart mammals.

It is true that whenever we find some peace and simplicity in our life we start to believe that we have it all it figured out. We can push away the fear that we sometimes carry, which whispers that we've taken on too much, that we weren't cut out for parenting in the plural sense, that we'll never have a full night's rest again in our lives; and then shortly after we settle in and decide it's a good time to get pregnant.

I'm definitely there, but also thinking that we'll hold off for a little while longer, although it is taking some effort not to just go for it. The boys start preschool in the Fall, and I'd like to try on that routine for a bit and also wrap up the lactation course that I'm midway through before willingly beginning what I anticipate to be a challenging pregnancy.

Roscoe has recently taken up an imaginary friend who he claims is his sister. She lives in North Carolina and has quite a history. I'm taking this as a sign that our family will be rounded out with a little girl on this next go 'round.

Labeling myself a work-at-home momma, FAQ answers

Last month readers posted questions to an FAQ request. Today I'm sharing more about my experience as a work at home momma.

How do you like being a working stay-at-home mom (do you consider yourself that?)

Finding the right language to describe my role as a working mother has always been a little challenging for me. Part of the conflict is that since I became a mother I've worked only in a part-time capacity and from home. Because such a small percentage of my time was focused on work, and because most of my energy and joy was derived from the kids and our family life, I didn't consider my work a hugely substantive part of my identity and while I called myself a work-at-home mom, I thought of myself as a stay-at-home mom.

When I left my job over the Summer to pursue teaching and labor support, I was crowned with the official title of stay-at-home mom. Andy and I both made some lofty assumptions about the ways that life at home would be restyled with this new phase of my career. Andy imagined a direct translation to a cleaner, more tidy, and better organized home; a calmer and more relaxed wife; flexibility for him to work more hours at his own job; and more sex. In addition to all that I thought I would also have more time to invest in self care and looked forward to more quality time with the kids at home and around town.

I had no idea how quickly or passionately I would jump into developing my birth services concept for MamaBorn, or how rapidly business would come, not to mention how great a commitment the hours would be. In general, I work around 30 hours a week, and most would consider those to be the hours of a working mother. Of course, the early investment required to get a small business off the ground can be tremendous, so I expect the time commitment to wane a bit now that I have laid the groundwork. Happily, we are finally realizing some of those ideals we initially imagined for ourselves.

I've always felt that working from home, while seemingly the best of both worlds, left some things to be desired. For me, I missed the clear boundaries between work and home (designated space and designated time to focus on work responsibilities), face to face adult interaction, the requisite to begin the day with a shower, and makeup, and a put together outfit; the opportunity to leave the house and mingle in regular life.

I cherish the opportunity to have breastfed both of my kids and to have bypassed the challenges of separation and pumping, and to have always been within arms reach whenever I or they needed the other. I love that I was able to keep family at the heart of every day, while still growing my career and maintaining some financial independence.

Still, setting effective boundaries is a learned skill and working and living under the same roof makes it difficult to carve-out time dedicated solely to either one. I find it a much greater challenge now that I work for myself and when my work is so close to my heart: an extension of how I live and love, and a true integration of career and family. During my work at home hours I am also fielding questions from the nanny, checking in with the kids, facilitating discipline when needed, and hearing their every move through the walls of our small home. Sometimes it can be hard to concentrate with all that interruption and so I spend a fair amount of my fifteen dedicated hours sitting at Starbucks where I can work truly free from thoughts of the kids. On the flip-side, it takes effort to remain unplugged (as much as is possible when on-call) during family time, and to give myself permission to be free from my endless list of business related to-dos.

Over the last year I've developed my identity as a working mother with a great amount of flexibility to be present and engaged with my kids throughout the week. I love my work and I love my family, and I have to consciously balance my commitment to my business with my family's necessary sacrifice and meet them somewhere in the middle. Given that I have two young children and a husband who works a demanding job an hour out of town, my dreams for my business are constrained, in a way, by my responsibilities to my family and by our collective resources of time, energy, and finances. This reality keeps me focused on the priorities of my work, which is a good thing, because I can (and would) brainstorm business and birth all day and night.

In general, I feel more confident in my role as a working mother, but as with all transitions we are fine tuning our approach to learn what works best to make a dual career household run smoothly. I think working from home and being entrepreneurial throws in a twist, but it feels a little bit like an adventure!

What is your working arrangement and what do you call yourself?

How I make my career work for me: childcare, FAQ answers

Last month readers posted questions to an FAQ request. Today I'm talking business and mothering, and sharing how I make my career work for me.

How do you handle running your own business and managing your children? Do you have structured work hours or do you just try to squeeze work in throughout your day? Do you use childcare or just work around the kids somehow? 

I have always enjoyed learning about how other moms balance their careers with mothering and home life. I'm lucky to have a close group of girlfriends with a spectrum of experience integrating work into their lives, and they have inspired me to think unconventionally about how I structure my time.

Over the years I have experimented with a variety of  work arrangements. After graduate school I held a fairly traditional 9-5 job for a non-profit in Washington DC, which included a 35 hour work week, 15 hours of commute time, and some routine business travel. When Roscoe was born 3 years later, I took a 20-week maternity leave then cut back to part-time employment at two days a week working from home. I gave up my benefits, increased my hourly wage, and gained a huge amount of flexibility. We hired a nanny who cared for Roscoe 7am to 2pm, on Mondays and Wednesdays. The rest of the week I was free to attend to family obligations and relationships.

At some point during Roscoe's first year (maybe around 9 months) I ramped my hours up to 3 days a week: Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. Then when he was around a year old, and shortly after we found out we were pregnant with Merritt, I increased my hours again to 4 days a week (28 hours). My position was grant-funded and that fiscal year we did not expect to receive additional funding, so I front-loaded my hours and figured that a new baby would create a graceful exit strategy. I took 6 months off after Merritt was born and then, when some money turned up again to fund my position, I resumed working from home at 3 days a week for a total of 21 hours. In July 2012 I quit my former telecommuting job, but retained the help of our nanny 15 hours a week to supplement my work effort dedicated to MamaBorn.

All that to say that my professional work and my need for paid help has followed a non-linear path!

I have found that a professional work-from-home career requires dedicated work time and the help of reliable childcare. Not every job or personality type would demand it, but so far that has been my experience. We are very fortunate to have found compassionate and committed women who readily adopted our parenting style in caring for the boys, and to whom the kids have formed great attachments. Without them I would not be able to pursue my career as I do.

Over the last four years we've relied on 5 different nannies, 2 of which were temporary hires during our move from DC to Richmond. Our first nanny was with us for about a year and a half before we moved South. The second has been with us since we moved here a year and a half ago; she took on more responsibility at her other job at the end of last year and remains our primary babysitter for monthly dates and other miscellaneous childcare needs. Our third and current nanny started working with us in January and will remain with us until the kids begin preschool this Fall.

I now have 15 hours a week set aside to catch up on home organization, errands/chores, and MamaBorn related commitments. The hours are divided between Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. 8-1pm.

In addition to these set aside hours, I typically have at least two, sometimes three, client appointments during weeknights and weekends. I also allocate a couple hours over the weekend to respond to urgent messages, write birth stories, edit photos, or prepare for class. When I have a Bradley series in session, I teach one night a week and that accounts for another 4 hours between travel and class time.

Two weeks ago, for example, I attended a birth from late Monday night to mid-morning Tuesday, taught class Tuesday evening, enjoyed Wednesday night at home, met with a client for her prenatal visit from 6:30-9:30pm with travel on Thursday, hung out Friday night at home, consulted with another  potential client on Saturday afternoon, and then in the evening co-led a community meeting for a non-profit birth organization. In addition, I am usually on-call for at least one mama at any given time, so we are limited in the radius that we can travel outside of Richmond, usually an hour or so is as far as I will venture out. Not all weeks are this busy, but many of them are!

My ability to work is directly dependent on my husband's commitment to caring for our kids while I am out of the house in the evenings and on weekends, in addition to our nanny during the work week.

In your role as a doula how do you arrange for child care? Women in labour hardly ever follow a schedule and while I am sure your husband takes care of night duties how do you manage flexible child care for when he is at work?

Because of the relationships that we've developed with our two current nannies, I can rely on each of them to care for the kids if I am called to a birth, and my sister also lives close by. In a pinch, I once asked my mother in law to drive from DC to stay with the kids for the afternoon. In general, I usually arrange a combination of sitters to fill in for the hours that I will be gone. It can be intense to organize childcare on the fly, but it works out fine, and once arrangements are made I don't have to think twice about what is happening at home, which allows me to fully focus my attention on my role supporting mamas through labor.

Tethered

I was in Wisconsin this past weekend participating in a writing retreat centered on telling our stories as mothers. One of my goals of the last two years has been to make sense of Merritt’s preterm birth, and the NICU stay that followed.

_____________________________

Last week, in response to a post about Merritt’s second birthday, in which I expanded on some of the feelings I still carried for Merritt’s birth and early days, a reader commented:

“I have been following your posts for quite some time now. I guess I don't quite understand why the premature birth and NICU stay are so traumatic for you still. The important thing is that he's healthy, I'm sure you agree . . . but I also feel like you think that statement is trivializing your feelings. Many, many (did I say many?) women don't experience the birth that they dreamed of, for different reasons. I feel like in the long run, it doesn't matter. My relationship with my oldest child isn't changed by the fact that I broke down and got an epidural. Your relationship with Merritt is not changed by the fact that he was in the NICU for a short time.”

I replied directly to her comment and have thought quite a bit about what she said, and what she didn’t say, which has since made me wonder if the bigger question isn't:  Don't we as mothers/women deserve space to feel our experiences for what they are and are we free to be impacted by them in whatever ways that we are affected (whether those feelings are positive or negative); or do we treat birth and the events that may precede or follow as different in our culture in that we use shame to manipulate women into believing that our Truth has no place at the table in the face of a thriving (or even living) child?

The grief I feel for Merritt’s birth affects me when I think about it, and I don’t think about it that often. I think about it most when something in the present recalls me back to his beginning as a measure of his growth or development. Just as Roscoe was born under ideal circumstances, when his birthday comes around I am drawn to recall the memories that I have of his beginning. Both are equally important chapters of our story.

As part of one of my writing exercises at the retreat, I revisited the reflection post I wrote soon after Merritt’s first birthday and tried to identify the under-developed theme, finally settling on the word “tethered.”

Tethered:
1. A rope or chain, or the like, by which an animal is fastened to a fixed object so as to limit its range of movement.
2. The utmost length to which one can go in action; the utmost extent or limit of ability or resources.

I know only one way to mother, and I wanted to mother Merritt in that way despite his prematurity. He was not a baby too sick to be mothered, who needed to rely more on technology for his survival. No. He was a small and hearty baby born early, who deserved to be cared for in all the ways that I was willing and able to meet his need. I was disempowered by the NICU's protocols and routines, an environment in which it was normal and common to assume that I would relinquish his care to staff nurses who did not, from my perspective, understand my needs as his mother, nor our family’s philosophy and parenting priorities.

Trying to be my momma-self in a discordant environment was incredibly unpleasant. My attempts to foster attachment were met with doubt, uncertainty, dismissal, and rejection. I felt alone and vulnerable. It was exhausting to be on guard, vigilant, never taking a mental break, and rarely stepping away from his isolette for fear of Merritt losing his voice. I now know that not all mothers face these issues in the NICU, but we did.

It was a painful struggle to toe that line between accepting the circumstances, working within the spoken and unspoken boundaries, and being true to myself as his mother to advocate for Merritt's right to receive the safest and healthiest birth and newborn care based on the best evidence. In the NICU these issues largely revolved around when I could pick him up and for how long, pain management, and breastfeeding. I suffered from palpable anxiety and stress in those weeks we lived in the NICU. It was traumatic for me as his mother to go through something like that when my frame of reference for what it is to be a mother came from a perspective of having had an easy and ideal birth and postpartum with my first baby. Knowing what could be made it more difficult to accept the inherent limitations of the NICU, a microcosm of separation and detachment. 

I also hold a space for Merritt, and a sense of unfairness that my ability to protect and comfort him within the scope of my role was limited by the outdated routines of the hospital in which he was kept. When choosing between following the rules and betraying my child, I picked my battles carefully, and made decisions in spite of what I believed to be right, in order to conserve my limited resources. 

*

I arrive at the nurse’s station disheveled and in a hurry, excited to see Merritt. It’s 7:20 in the morning, ten minutes before his first feed of the day. I spent the night at home, slept four or five hours and now I’ve returned with another full day ahead.

“Hi.” I smile wearily. “I’m here to see my baby in the NICU. Meritt?” I’m loaded down with a back pack and tote bag. I am very aware of my own appearance in contrast to the nurse's shiny hair, pulled back in a low ponytail, her full face of makeup, and rested eyes. I think they feel sorry for me, trekking back and forth.

“What’s the last name?” she asks, picking up the phone to dial the extension.

“Sears.” I reply.

“Oh sure,” she smiles, seeming to remember me, “Let me just call back and see if it’s a good time.” She pauses, waiting for someone to pick up, “Mrs. Sears is here to see her baby, can Merritt have a visitor?” She looks up at me with raised brows, expectant. Her mouth turned up at the corners.

Of course he can have a visitor, I think. The formality of this is so stupid.

“Oh.” Her voice falls. I study her face, annoyed that we have to go through this ritual every day, now trying to guess as to what the nurse on the other line is still talking about.

“Ok,” her brow furrows, forging a line between them, “how long will it be?” She pulls the phone from her ear and places it to her chest as if to protect the nurses from my response. Her mouth scrunches up to warn me, “They’re getting ready to replace Merritt’s line so it will be about a half hour.” She moves her mouth to reveal only her bottom teeth and sucks in a breath of air. She knows.

I lock eyes with her, my face is stern, “Oh." I swallow hard. "Well...yeah, I want to be there while they place the line. I want to be back there, will you ask them if I can?” Panic rises in my body, I begin to feel hot.

She nods her head then brings the phone back to her ear, “Mom says she wants to be present, is that possible?”

I interrupt, “I want to talk to the charge nurse,” my lips press together in a frown.

I’m gripped with helpless fear. I think back to two days before when I cradled Merritt skin-to-skin after a feeding, only a curtain separating our space from the baby’s next door. Three different nurses tried unsuccessfully to place a line in Merritt’s neighbor. One after the other. That baby’s mother wasn’t around. That baby had no advocate. One after the other, amidst the unbroken and desperate wails of the baby, I could hear the air escaping their lips as they missed. First one, then the next, then the next. It went on for more than 30 minutes before they decided to give that tiny little baby a break.

That will not be Merritt.

The nurse hands me the phone.

“What’s going on?” I demand.

“Jacqueline, this is Helen, how are you?”

“Fine. What’s going on?”

"Merritt’s line needs to be replaced.” She begins. “Remember how we told you last night that we weren’t sure if the line that we put in yesterday was going to hold up?”

“Yeah,” I remember.

“Well, we weren’t sure then, but it definitely needs to be replaced. So we’ll get that line in and then you can come right back,” she states.

“I’m here, I’m standing right here outside the nursery, why can’t I come back? I want to be there to provide him comfort.” I’m grasping for a way to convince her.

“Well,” she concedes, “let me find out who’s going to do it and see what she says. Sometimes the nurses don’t like to have parents present during procedures.”

I ask who’s been assigned to Merritt, and learn it is Beth, known for getting lines in the first time. My heart settles slightly. I wait.

Her voice returns, “I talked to the nurse and she would rather not have you back here. I’m sorry.”

What the fuck. I knew I couldn't trust that woman.

I say it again, “Well, I want to be there.”

“I’m sorry,” she says, “can you come back in about a half hour? It will take less than 30 minutes.”

I know that I've reached the end of the line. My tone changes realizing that I don’t have say in what happens next. “Well, I’m staying right here at the nurses station.” My words are cold and hard, delivered through my teeth. “I’m waiting here.” I hope my physical presence will compel them to be efficient.

I give her my phone number and ask her to call me as soon as it’s over, then hand the phone back to the desk nurse who smiles meekly and says, “I’m sorry,” without consequence.

I want to kick the wall and fly into a rage, but I don’t. These people are the ones who give me access to my baby, I can only push back so much. 

*

Although getting along was a necessary coping mechanism, I am remorseful for passively giving up Merritt’s right to have me with him. Part of the emotional challenge has been to reconcile these moments in our history, because it will always be what it was, even though I know so much more now.

When I first read Anonymous’s comment, I didn't recognize her words as judgement, unintentional or otherwise, but I see it now. To associate a mother’s dissatisfaction with any aspect of her mothering experience and reflect it directly onto her connection or satisfaction with the relationship that she’s building with her child is an unkindness to all involved. I have to believe that because we can’t know the nuance of emotion that other mothers feel in their own lives, more compassion and empathy is needed mother-to-mother. Are we not collectively our own worst critic? To feel judged causes unnecessary suffering too, as it tethers our ability as mothers to be present in our experience, and limits our capacity to accept our Truth and to bypass the shame, so that we can work through it to become the best versions of ourselves as mothers and women.