Updates and preemie progress

Since birth Merritt has had a decreasing number of "spells" (a heart arrhythmia called bradycardia, and blood oxygen desaturations) that are a consequence of persistent reflux and immature suck-swallow-breathe coordination. Almost all of his spells occur during feeding, the worst of which result in Merritt turning blue around the mouth, which I have learned to identify (it's pretty hard to miss) and intervene by interrupting feeding and ensuring him adequate recovery time. Merritt's spells continue to improve every day, which is a great sign, and over time we expect him to fully outgrow them.

Because of his spells, we took Merritt home from the hospital on a cardio-respiratory monitor.

The monitor does give us some peace of mind. We can take a quick a look at the interface and know that Merritt's heart is beating, and that he's breathing. The absence of alarms going off also serve to support the idea that Merritt is doing a-okay. On the other hand, the wires have proven to be a nuisance, and the travel pack that the wires attach to can be burdensome when trying to execute normal daily activities like carry the baby around the house, or take a walk around the block. The alarm is intense, like a home fire alarm, and has legitimately gone off only three times for a few brady episodes. It has also gone off a number of other times for things like migrating leads, and to signal a battery in need of recharge.

The machine doesn't monitor oxygen saturation, which is Merritt's downfall, and existing studies don't really support the efficacy of the home monitor for our purposes, but we've got it 24 hours a day for the next two weeks, and probably in some capacity for at least another four weeks after that.

Merritt had his first pediatrician appointment this morning. It was a family event, and was surprisingly stress-free (relative to my memories of first outings with Roscoe as a newborn).

Merritt has gained 5 ounces in the past 4 days, which is impressive--particularly since he's not being supplemented in any way--and he now weighs 5 pounds 2 ounces. Moving forward we would like to see him gain between 1 and 2 ounces every day--1 ounce for good growth and the rest to help him catch up. I was relieved to hear that the pediatricians are confident that Merritt will close the preemie gap by 6 months. For now, he's acting more or less like a full-term baby eating every 2.5 to 3 hours with brief periods of alertness, and sleeping most of the time.

Even though he's 4.5 weeks old, we probably won't be able to coax a smile from his little bird lips in the next week or so as could be expected based on his age--it will probably happen closer to 12 weeks. I do know that there's a little dimple hiding out on his left cheek, so stay tuned for that!

At the end of the day

For the first two weeks of Merritt's NICU stay, dinnertime remained the only constant for us. I made sure to be home for that hour in an attempt to preserve a sense of normalcy, and family togetherness.

What's for dinner was the last thing on my mind after those long, long days inside the hospital walls. Lucky for us, beginning soon after Merritt was born, meals began to arrive at our doorstep. Dinner. Menu decided, ingredients purchased, prepared, packed, and delivered.

We were spoiled every other day (for two full weeks!) by a meal made with love by our best friends and family. Truth be told, good food warms my heart any time, but there's nothing better than looking forward to sitting 'round a dining room table of familiar faces and savoring the minutes while devouring the fruits of someone else's labor. Especially in hard times.

My friend Emily used Food Tidings to organize our meal tree. The site greatly simplifies the task of bringing nutritious food to the belly of someone in need, and it makes the effort easily accessible to those who are interested in helping. Check it out!

We're Home

Merritt is one month old today (37 week gestation equivalent)! Roscoe will be 22 months old tomorrow. He's been so content examining all of Merritt's details. Here he's taking a close look at toes.

saying goodbye and giving thanks

For the past ten days I've been living with Merritt in the nicu. Our room is small, but it has a makeshift bed and sliding glass doors with privacy screens. Having a place to sleep when Merritt sleeps has saved me. We also have a lot more control over our environment; no more bright overhead lights, beeping monitors, or late night staff chatter.

My totes and duffels are piled high in the only available corner, muslin blankets, a boppy, onesies and tiny socks, and other new baby essentials are strewn about--in addition to my computer, agenda, snacks, and reading materials. It's weird, but just as the place was beginning to feel kinda like home I got word at rounds this morning that Merritt will be discharged tomorrow.

That's right. By mid morning tomorrow we will be set free.

After 26 days, the news doesn't feel quite as thrilling as I imagined it would. In fact, nostalgia for this experience has set in before I've even stepped foot away from it. This room, our nurses, these monitors, they're imprinted into the story of Merritt's early arrival--a series of events that have further shaped my identity as a mother. I've never had to fight so hard for the role.

The first month of our life together, me and Merritt, was more agonizing, tender, and emotionally complicated than I can put to words. Our family's shared investment to take care of each other in a crisis has made me overwhelmingly proud, and while I know that Roscoe wasn't left behind in the larger sense of the word, I hope that he will eventually understand that if the roles were reversed his Momma would feel the same fire to fight for him.

The hospital environment and nicu way of life, which at times made me feel powerless, eventually gave way to necessary partnerships. The impact that this experience has had on the four of us is tremendous, yet Merritt is just one of hundreds of babies admitted to this nicu every year. I imagine that for most of the nurses, caring for us during our stay was just part of the job (although many went above and beyond), but for us our stay in the nicu was our life. Now the thought of leaving this familiar place and these familiar people suddenly seems very strange and a little unsettling.

Will they know how much we've been changed, and how their dedication and investment in our success has really translated for me and Merritt? I will have to tell them.

I'm thinking a good old fashioned hand written note may be the way to go. And a sweet treat never hurts.

good times

On days when I feel terribly sick for home I watch the slideshows that Mel, our photographer, put together of the three of us over the course of Roscoe's first year.

If you've been following us for a while you might remember the photos from Roscoe's two week shoot.

I think Roscoe and Merritt share a lot of features. Merritt seems to have a different nose, and of course he's missing some baby fat.

Enjoy the photos here (and turn up the volume).

oh, but here's the cutie that I get to hang with

Mitch you.

While I've been away, Andy's been keeping me updated on Roscoe's adventures through iphone pictures and video.

See what I've been missin'? I especially adore the bottom left corner shot, where little harry potter stands.

3 weeks, a quick update

The big news from the NICU is that Merritt not only breastfed without additional supplementation for the past 72 hours, but he finally gained weight!!! It's a big deal, and I'm so relieved.

Yesterday he gained 10 grams, which triumphantly proved that Merritt and I are working well together and that my milk, alone, is enough to make him grow. It did fall 5 grams short of the 15 gram target that has been set but we're really more concerned with his growth trends not the daily tallies. Plus, a gain is a gain.

Then, tonight's weigh-in revealed a 45 gram gain. Ah-mazing!

Looks like we will be breaking out of here early next week. We've been told Wednesday, at the latest. And that's the date I'm going with. We'll be pleasantly surprised if we get to go home earlier.

Now I must find a way for our photographer--initially intended to capture Merritt's birth--to make room for us on her calendar to capture our homecoming.

I cannot wait to see Roscoe's reaction when he meets his brother for the first time.