Boring

I'm so bored. Oh so bored. The gym is terribly boring.

The outside temps are in the 20's and I dare not set foot outside, if I have choice in the matter. Even our afternoon walk to the mailbox has been put on hold until further notice. If determined to break a sweat, the gym is my only refuge from frostbite and aching lungs.

There are a few little issues driving my motivation into the ground, however.

I still do not have proper maternity workout attire (I have no excuse for why I have not made the investment after 1 1/2 pregnancies) so I am left to either squeeze into my former gear (which doesn't fit that well, ahem) or to creatively assemble "outfits" from cast away items that I would otherwise never, ever, wear. I don't know about you but I like to feel confident at the gym, or else I don't really have fun, and I want to leave. Lately I've noticed that I've adopted a bad habit of jogging into the gym, swiping my card, running into my class, spinning like a drone for an hour, and then hightailing it out of there as fast as I entered.

While it would make all the sense in the world to take advantage of the fact that I have already done 3/4s of the work by dressing, and transporting myself halfway across town, I leave instead of lifting weights or working out my abs because I'm not up for strutting my "stuff" around the gym.

Then there's the fact that my gym is pretty traditional with a schedule of group exercise classes, most of which take place before 5:30 pm, rather unaccommodating for anyone who works, particularly considering the traffic in the area. Spin is the only class that is even remotely appealing, but I kind of hate it while I'm there. The lights are so bright, and the instructors are so peppy. I like to get in a zone while I exercise, and somehow staring at my own (blurry--since I don't wear my glasses to class, and pale (BRIGHT LIGHTS!)) face in a mirror for an hour while trying my best to block out all the extraneous diversions just isn't inspiring. Do I get my heart rate up? yeah. Do I break a sweat? yeah. Do I enjoy it? not really.

It's become too easy to find reasons not to go to class. That means that I need to do something drastic because not going to the gym, especially now, just won't do.

I have nooo answers, but I hope I come up with something soon. Any suggestions? I'll take anything.

Graduation Day

My little sister graduated with her masters degree on Saturday. True to her nature, she stole the stage and danced her way across. I was moved to tears because I know how much work she's put into her education and I'm thrilled to see what she will do next. She deserves everything she's earned.

Momma's Monday Check-in: 23/40

Note: McFatty Monday's is no longer! Instead I will post Momma's Monday Check-in. Join me as I eat and exercise my way through the next 18 weeks.

Due Date: April 8, 2011

Total weight gain: 13.5

Cravings/Aversions: none, although I realized that poached eggs have been the staple of this pregnancy. With Roscoe it was bagels with cream cheese and tomato.

Sleep: The three of us have been sharing a virus of some kind--it started with Andy, passed to Roscoe last week, and now it is my turn. I lost my voice over the weekend and the coughing alone has made all the muscles in my torso sore. Night coughs are awful, but coupled with pregnancy insomnia I'm really struggling with rest.

I can't live without: The Internet. Christmas shopping is complete and I did it all while lounging about on the couch.

I miss: my income before childcare expenses and part-time work hours.

I am looking forward to: We leave for Florida at the end of the week! A warmer climate, and Roscoe's first Disney experience will be a different way to spend the holiday.

Aha moment: There's not much to happen between now and the baby's arrival besides weight gain...

Best moment this week: I really enjoyed my prenatal visit on Friday and when Susan felt for his little body and quickly found his head down low, she stated "yep, that bounces like a little head--looks like he's head down!" It sank in a little deeper that our boy is in there doing his thing, and making early preparations to be born. I know he's only a pound a half but I can already picture him in my arms.

Milestones: I threw up for the first time this pregnancy! I have no idea why, but it happened during a morning tooth brush. Interestingly, I threw up only once with Roscoe, also while brushing my teeth.

Movement: He's quite active! When I read at night I rest my book on my belly now, and he's bumped my reading material several times in the past few days, which is always amusing.

Gender: Still a boy!

Exercise: This past week did not work out the way I had hoped. I made it to only one cycling class early in the week and have been couch surfing most evenings in the hope of ridding myself of this terrible sickness.

Diet: I've been trying to drink more water, with some success. I didn't gain anything last week so that is a good thing.

Goals for the upcoming week: Get well, meet my work deadlines, pack efficiently for Florida, find time to workout at least twice.

Belly Shot:

Labor Signs: None

23 Weeks

Roscoe and I set out for Maryland this morning to meet with my midwife for a third prenatal appointment. As many times as she's been to our house, we've never been to hers and part of the deal to work together again was to share the burden of travel. The drive took just under an hour and traffic was a breeze.

Susan greeted Roscoe with a basket of toys (that just so happened to be vehicles of all kinds--perfect!) and he was content for most of the visit. We chatted some about my diet and how I was feeling. She followed up on my hip complaints from our last visit, and we further discussed the evolution of the nursing transition as well as our intent for Roscoe to attend the birth of his little brother (assuming that he wants to be there, and assuming that he isn't asleep).

Little Sears had a heart rate in the 130s. Roscoe was very interested in the Doppler and listened intently at first when we could hear the heart tones. Then he started exclaiming, "baby!, baby!", and "see? see?" I told him the baby was in my belly and that it would be a few more months before he could see him, realizing as I spoke that months are pretty intangible to a boy his age.

My fundal height measured 25 cm (instead of the expected 23, one cm for every week of the pregnancy), which is nothing to worry about but I'll be curious to see how it measures at our next visit. I measured "big" with Roscoe at several points throughout the pregnancy but babies have growth spurts too, or perhaps his positioning was a little lopsided. In the end, all was well.

Susan felt for the position of the baby and noted that he is head down already, and unlikely to turn at this point. I asked her if she delivered breech babies and she said no, so hopefully he stays put!

My next appointment is scheduled for mid January, which feels just around the corner. I'll be 28 weeks by then, and the gestational diabetes screening is on the agenda. Yum. Last time I got to drink peach/mango nectar. It was delicious.

That's all for now, folks!

Defining moments

It is incredible to know that my body built Roscoe from scratch (with Andy's help, he wanted me to add), nourished him, grew him, and gave birth to him, and then sustained him exclusively for the first 6 months of his life. I did all that. me.

Before Roscoe was born I had a lot of questions about breastfeeding. They weren't focused so much on if I was going to do it, or how I was going to do it, but more on how it would feel to do it, and whether or not that level of intimacy would be weird. As for logistics, I was under the impression that breastfeeding was a natural skill inherent to mothering, and I more or less pushed away the awkward thoughts I had about putting baby to breast in favor of waiting to figure it all out when the time actually came.

I'll admit that when my midwife asked if I would like to try to nurse, just minutes after Roscoe was born and before my placenta had even been delivered, it did feel a little awkward to offer something so personal to this itty bitty person that I couldn't hardly recognize but, I was curious to see what he would do.

At less than 10 minutes old, Roscoe did what came naturally to his newly born self, and with that first latch we began what may be the most defining, demanding, and deeply satisfying aspect of our relationship.

I had my midwife's number on speed dial those first few days. It was fortunate for me that she is a lactation consultant and former La Leche League leader. She taught me a lot about nursing. The primary lessons? Nursing satisfies a baby beyond hunger and A baby's wants are a baby's needs. Nursing is more than feeding.

I've since written many a post about nursing and over the past 19 months I've had the pleasure of experiencing a full range of conflicting emotion. In reality, we had a rough start, the dedication required to exclusively breastfeed was almost more than I could take at times, and for many months I could only dream of my former freedom and independence.

Around the ten week mark we finally clicked as a momma/nursling pair and nursing was as easy and convenient as I had imagined it could be. But it was more than that. Magical. (Wow, would I have used these words to describe nursing before I had experienced it?) It satisfied my hunger to nurture my son in a way that only nursing could, and the act of it alone met every one of Roscoe's physical and emotional needs. Before Roscoe made his debut I was well accustomed to achieving and doing--a way of being that made it difficult for me to transition into the new realities of motherhood. Nursing forced the opportunity to take breaks in our busy days and connect with each other. The physical and emotional demands remained, but it was around this time that I began to own my new role and nursing mother became part of my identity.

I never set out to nurse Roscoe for a specific amount of time, but I had hoped to make it through the first year. The idea of nursing a toddler didn't seem crazy to me, but it wasn't something I could relate to either. By the time Roscoe turned one he wasn't just a toddler, he was my toddler. Continuing to nurse was a given for us.

When I found out I was pregnant with Little Sears, Roscoe was 14 months old and blame it on the hormones, but within a month or two my experience nursing had changed from a pleasant and easy going activity, to one that elicited an antsy and uncomfortable full-body sensation. There were days where I had to cut our sessions short because I just couldn't stand it. On several occasions I convinced myself that our last session had been our LAST session. These feelings come and go still, but obviously we're hanging on. I think the biggest pressure to wean is that I find it hard to imagine the logistics of juggling the demands of a nursing newborn coupled with nursing to meet the emotional needs of an active toddler. Tandem nursing isn't something that I readily identify with although I know it is an option.

So, I've been fretting over this decision, quietly and passively. Stewing really. Contemplating the situation without wanting to take action. Once I became pregnant, Roscoe weaned himself from four evenly spaced daily nursing sessions to just one. All that remains is his nurse-to-nap at 11:00 am every morning. It's a nursing that means a lot to him, but I've not convinced myself that he needs it, and I've equally not convinced myself that I have good reason to take it away.

In perfect timing I attended a La Leche League meeting on Saturday morning. Oh, sanity-saving, norm altering, reason-inducing LLLi, how do I love thee? More than I can ever express.

La Leche League has been my oasis in a societal dessert of general breastfeeding non-support.

As I listened to a room full of mothers share their questions and experiences nursing their children, I found myself offering advice and nodding my head in agreement. I identified with each of their stories--our experiences mirrored theirs, and theirs ours. Yes, for the first time I even saw myself in the woman who breastfed her giant 2 1/2 year old three times over the course of 2 hours. When it was my turn I shared my uncertainty about how to move forward with the baby's arrival on the horizon, and I heard the process that others went through and their personal reasons for why some chose to tandem nurse while others did not, and how it actually played out for them once the second baby was born.

I realized that if we are content (which we are), there's no need to force a change on an otherwise mutually satisfying relationship. A lot can happen in four months. Roscoe may make the decision to wean on his own. If not, I've released the pressure on myself to do anything in particular in order to generate a specific outcome.

I'm Roscoe's Momma and right now our relationship involves a comfort nurse once a day. Everything will be OK. As for my concern that Roscoe will revert to wanting to nurse more often once his little brother is born? Come what may. If so, I guess I'll have become one of those Momma's. The evolving experience of nursing my son has certainly changed my attitudes and norms about nursing in general. No longer do I extend an awkward smile at the sight of a nursing toddler, instead it makes me happy to know that those two are lucky enough to still benefit from and enjoy an essential relationship that will forever be uniquely theirs.

Momma's Monday Check-in: 22/40

Note: McFatty Monday's is no longer! Instead I will post Momma's Monday Check-in. Join me as I eat and exercise my way through the next 18 weeks.

Due Date: April 8, 2011

Total weight gain: 13.5

Cravings/Aversions: fresh squeezed orange juice

Sleep: Roscoe's been sick this last week so that means lots of night parenting for me and Andy, and not a lot of zzzs.

I can't live without: The Internet. I'm having way too much fun searching for nursery gems.

I miss: La Leche League meetings--Roscoe and I used to go every week when we were just starting out but we haven't been in a long time because his nap schedule and my job have proved a challenge to work around. I attended a great meeting on Saturday in order to meet part of the requirement for my Bradley certification. It was inspiring, and affirming, and helped me to figure out what I want moving forward from my and Roscoe's nursing relationship.

I am looking forward to: A midwife appointment on Friday. I will be traveling to her this time, so Roscoe and I will have an adventure crossing state lines to Maryland.

Aha moment: Reebok has a new maternity fitness line at Destination Maternity...unfortunately, it looks a little blah to me.

Best moment this week: Andy painted the nursery this weekend and it is distinct, and sublime. I love it. My purchases over the weekend have taken the room in yet another direction....

Milestones: Carpal tunnel syndrome?! My left pinky finger was numb much of last week, but has improved over the weekend. I'll have to wait and see, but this pregnancy has been filled with all kinds of new aches and pains, so I won't be shocked.

Movement: I've been trying to figure out what position the baby is in but I've deduced that little guy still has plenty of room to move around and hasn't settled into any one spot.

Gender: It's a boy!

Exercise: The weather has definitely turned so walking/running outside has lost its appeal. Cycling continues to be my exercise of choice, for the moment. I'm also looking into buying a heater and a weightlifting bench for our garage--I think we'd use our weight set more frequently and more efficiently if we had a bench to use.

Diet: I logged my food for my upcoming midwife appointment, and after looking at the big picture I learned:

1. I should drink more liquids--most days I only drink 1 to 1.5 12 oz. bottles of water

3. I should eat more green vegetables, or more vegetables in general

4. I am enjoying mightily my fair share of chocolate/homemade goodies

Here's the first day I logged for November 30 (a side note: a grocery run was imminent and there was no meat to be found, otherwise I would have eaten some! Bare cupboards also account for beets in the morning.):

Breakfast: 8:00 am

1 cup roasted beets, 1tsp olive oil, lemon, Fleur de sel

1 egg

1/2 whole wheat pita

1 tablespoon hummus

1 slice low fat cheddar cheese

8oz water

Snack: 10:20 am

2 clementines

1 tablespoon peanut butter

4 mini mozzarella balls with balsamic vinegar, Fleur de sel

1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce

Lunch: 12:30 pm

1.5 cups butternut squash soup

6oz. hot chocolate, 1 marshmallow, 1 small gingerbread cookie

Snack: 2:50 pm

1/2 whole wheat pita

3/4 cup fresh beets

1 slice low fat cheddar cheese

Dinner: 6:00 pm

3/4 cup whole wheat pasta with peanut sauce

6 spears asparagus with Parmesan cheese and lemon

1 cup pineapple

Snack: 8:00 pm

6oz. hot chocolate with 1 marshmallow and another piece of chocolate

Total Protein: ~71 grams

Goals for the upcoming week: Exercise 3 days, lift weights twice.

Belly Shot:

Labor Signs: None

Marshmallows!

As requested, here's the recipe for homemade marshmallows, adapted from my favorite of favorite cookbooks for sweet treats: Sticky, Chewy, Messy, Gooey: desserts for the serious sweet tooth.

1 cup cold water

3 tablespoons unflavored gelatin

2 cups granulated sugar

3/4 cup light corn syrup

1/4 teaspoon salt

2 tablespoons pure vanilla extract

2 teaspoons cinnamon

cornstarch and confectioners' sugar for dusting

Pour 1/2 cup of the cold water into a large mixing bowl or the bowl of a mixer. Sprinkle the gelatin evenly over the water and allow the gelatin to sit and absorb all the water, 45 to 60 minutes.

In a large saucepan, combine the remaining 1/2 cup cold water, the granulated sugar, the corn syrup, and the salt. Heat the mixture over medium heat, stirring occasionally until the sugar dissolves. Increase the heat to high and let the mixture come to a boil. Cook the syrup, without stirring, until it reaches 240 degrees on a candy thermometer (or you can eyeball it--basically you want the sugar to get to the soft-ball stage). Do not allow the syrup to go past 244 degrees or the marshmallows will be rubbery rather than tender. Remove the syrup from the heat and slowly beat into the dissolved gelatin with an electric mixer set at low speed. Increase the mixer speed to high and continue beating until the mixture is very thick and white but still warm, about 15 minutes. Beat in the vanilla and cinnamon.

Generously dust a 9x13 inch baking pan with cornstarch. Pour the marshmallow mixture into the pan, smooth the top with a spatula, and dust the top liberally with confectioners' sugar. Let the marshmallow stand, uncovered at room temperature, for 8-12 hours to firm up. Turn the marshmallow from the pan onto a sheet of parchment paper liberally dusted with confectioners' sugar. Cut into 20 large squares. Dust each square with more confectioners' sugar. Store the marshmallows in a tightly covered container until ready to serve.

Oh my gosh. I hope you love them as much as I do! Need a reminder as to how easy to make and yummy to eat they are? Read the post from last week.

Deck the Halls

Decorating our Christmas tree this year gave us the opportunity to put away our computers for the night, grab a cup of hot cocoa, and spend some quiet face to face time. Together. Alone (without Roscoe).

Serenaded by Christmas tunes we strung the lights and felt pom-pom garland, dug through mounds of ornaments to choose our very favorites (we bought a much smaller tree this year), and then carefully placed each one, just so. We added candy canes this year too, which was a throw back that made me very happy.

I wish every night could be reserved for Christmas Tree decorating.

The next morning we couldn't wait to show Roscoe and the first thing he exclaimed when he saw it was "cool!". Throughout the rest of the day he managed to "yank and run" away with every ornament within his reach. So our tree is now decorated only from the halfway point up.

Roscoe's keen interest and intent to dismantle the tree, ornament by candy cane by light strand, has subsided, thankfully, but we're not feeling brave enough to put any of his wrapped gifts underneath just in case temptation proves too great.