Reflecting on Merritt's Birth-Day

Merritt turned one year old on Saturday. We celebrated with a sweet and colorful afternoon party that fit perfectly with Merritt's low-key personality and my need for a quiet anniversary.

I recall the ache of my sinking heart when, at 32 weeks 6 days, my water broke and I understood that Merritt was on his way. The juxtaposition of the onset of labor for each of my two boys is stark. What I welcomed with warm confidence and joy with Roscoe, I summoned will to push away with Merritt. Whether or not I was ready to give birth to him, and for reasons that we'll never know, our little Merritt boy needed to be born early and by the time I had realized it, the process was in full motion.

When I first shared Merritt's birth story there was more that I wanted to write.  At the time, I wasn't sure how my sadness and anger, and feelings of powerlessness fit in with the story of how I met my second, and perfect, little boy. There wasn't room for the raw grief that I felt. But, there has always been more to say, and the feelings I felt then have only intensified with time.

Probably because life has been so very full and a little crazy since Merritt arrived, it's been hard to find time to process any of it. I've needed to grieve for what was lost, on both our accounts, and yet I haven't made time for it. And so, as the new year came and then February arrived, a sad disappointment lingered, which speaks nothing of the pride and sweet joy that Merritt brings to our family, or to the growing love that I feel for him.

We were very lucky that after a swift and uncomplicated labor, I gave birth to a small but utterly healthy baby. I know now that if any of the variables of Merritt's birth had been different--if labor hadn't progressed as quickly, if there had been earlier signs of the placental abruption, if Merritt’s heart tones had recovered even just a little bit slower--he would have been sectioned out. We were very close, in fact.

I’m so grateful that Merritt breathed well on his own, that he was a good size for his gestational age, and that his little system had the opportunity to experience the stress of labor and a vaginal birth.

The smug pride that I felt for beating the odds by giving birth to Merritt in a way that was as close to what I had hoped for us as I could have grasped at the time, was overshadowed shortly after by a quiet and serious panic that set in when first I was made to wait over two hours to see my baby and then, later, when I learned what a NICU stay of any length really implies.

That low-level heightened awareness stayed with me for the full 28 days, and I remained very guarded and vigilant. I held close to my determined heart the confidence I knew as a woman who had done most of this before--birth, breastfeeding, mothering. I clung tightly to the good and powerful feelings I kept from Merritt's birthday, and found enough strength to carry both of us in the foreign world of isolettes, feeding schedules, and separation. My role in there, as Merritt's Momma, made me feel for the first time in my life that I was a grown up. Truly. Merritt's tiny person needed me more than any other single thing and knowing that I was wholly responsible to him was humbling and intensely exhausting. (Posts about our adventures in the NICU begin here.)

I feel more deeply now, though I had always believed it to be true, that the way in which our children are born, our experience of birth, and the way that we process and retell our stories, is so vitally important to our health as women and to our role as mothers, with much, much, greater far-reaching importance and consequence than our society gives credit. I find it miserably inadequate when I hear of these powerful experiences of life and birth and loss whittled down to the healthy baby, healthy mother mantra.  Many will find it hard to understand, but while I am thankful that my baby was healthy and I am also thankful that I was left intact, some things (many things) were lost for me in that experience. I grieve for those things.  And I know many mothers who feel this way and who share the same sense of longing for what could have been.

Of course, I feel so sorry that Merritt was born into a circumstance where separation of mothers from their babies is not only normal but expected. Where painful procedures are frequent and, in our case, where I conceded (more than once) to stand at the nurses station while my baby had IV lines placed, a routine for which the nursing staff wouldn't allow me to be present.  I feel a lot of guilt for leaving Merritt so vulnerable and if ever our family has to endure another stay in the NICU, I will fight against any policy that elevates a protection for nursing staff above my right and responsibility to advocate for and emotionally support my own child.

While Merritt won't remember all that he went through before we brought him home from the hospital, he certainly experienced it, and I will never forget it.  I'll always wish that he had a more peaceful and deserving entry into the world.

Homebirth: Supplies

Have you ever wondered what would be needed for a home birth?

Here is the official supply list, given to us by our midwife at our 28 week appointment. It is requested that all supplies be gathered in one place by 36 weeks.

(click the image for a larger version)

Supplies for labor and birth

Basically, Momma needs to be hydrated and nourished during labor--we have stocked coconut water for hydration and runners "GU" for quick energy. Our cupboards were absolutely bare when I went into labor with Roscoe, and my parents saved the day by dropping off a full load of groceries shortly after labor began. I didn't have a desire to eat any food, but I did suck down two gels during the pushing phase, and had maybe a few sips of grape juice at some point or another. For women with longer labors I imagine that a few easy to eat snacks would be lifesavers.

Since we've done this before we have quite a lot of leftover items, so our job of gathering everything on the list was made pretty easy. We will use two of our laundry baskets and line them with trash bags for whatever trash and linens accumulate during the process. I had a really easy recovery after Roscoe's birth, but I do remember a need in the first 36 hours for frozen peas and Ziploc baggies wrapped in paper towels (homemade perineal ice packs!!). Friends of mine swear by the commercial ice pads provided in-hospital, and when I found them on the birth supply website I decided they would be worth the investment at $2.50 a piece. I'm not sure that anyone will be at my beck and call to reload the pea packs every couple hours so I think the convenience will be great.

We're using the same set of receiving blankets that were used at Roscoe's birth, and Susan will bring an electric heating pad to warm them. Baby hats, newborn diapers, and a digital thermometer are all baby basics and easy to come by. Vaseline makes the first meconium poops so easy to clean up--we put a few dabs on Roscoe for the first three diaper changes and saved ourselves the effort of wrestling with the tarry stuff.

A good selection, and large quantity of pads in different absorbencies were essential and it was nice to have bought them ahead of time so that Andy didn't have to later run to the store and guess at what I might need/prefer.

Birth supplies

The supplies designated for the actual birth are a little harder to come by, but my midwife has a relationship with a homebirth supplier and last time we ordered a customized kit for a little over 40 dollars with shipping--it included everything that our midwife requested. Because we had at least a small quantity leftover of most of the necessary items, this time I only had to order a few more packs of chux pads, 7 or 8 gauze pads, and several sets of sterile gloves.

Before we experienced it, one of our biggest superficial concerns was the "mess" involved with birth and how our white carpets would fare. Fear not! Those blue chux pads are perfect for the job, and in the final weeks of pregnancy I highly recommend stashing a few in your bag, desk drawer, and glove box in case your water breaks and you need something to sit on. My water broke as my first sign of labor. I happened to be asleep on the couch, but what if I had been mid-commute!? Those pads would have come in handy!

Ammonia and hydrogen peroxide serve as all purpose cleaners. I can't speak to their effectiveness because we didn't need to use them (hope the expiration date hasn't passed because they're in the box again). When the birth team left our house late Tuesday night, everything was in order and a load of laundry was humming in the wash. You would have never guessed that baby Roscoe was birthed on the floor in the corner of our bedroom.

Preparing the labor and birth space

I plan to labor throughout the house as I feel comfortable, and give birth in our bedroom or bathroom (who knows where, really!). In early March we'll make our bed with clean sheets, put a plastic painter's drop cloth on top, and then stretch a fitted sheet over the whole thing and make the bed as usual. I know one thing, we'll be sure not to wait until week 38 and 2 days (like last time!). I remember stripping our bed and tossing the sheets in the machine while I waited for my contractions to ramp up, but neither of us can recall how the bed actually got made! Either way, I spent only the intense transitional phase of labor under the sheets, nestled between pillows, so we didn't really make use of the whole preparation.

I love admiring our little stockpile of birth-day supplies. We're one step closer in preparing to meet Little Sears and I can't believe that we get to do this again! And soon!

If you're planning a homebirth do you have a similar list?

Home Birth: a blog series

I know that home birth isn't for every family, and that not every Momma is a candidate to safely give birth at home. However, my experience giving birth to Roscoe was life changing and as we begin to plan for a second home birth I would like to take the opportunity to share why we chose home birth over birthing centers and top rated hospitals, how prenatal care works with an independent midwife (home visits!!) and how it might be different from more traditional care, how we prepared ourselves and our house for birth, and the realities of giving birth at home.

I would also like to discuss some common concerns expressed about home birth (we had them too!), and how those concerns are addressed in real life. I may even ask a few of my friends to guest post their personal experiences with home birth, which were very different from mine.

If you have any questions you'd like me to address, send them my way! I'll be posting Part 1: Our Journey to the Other Side in the next few weeks.

Roscoe's birth story (three months late!)

I've finally drafted Roscoe's birth story! It's really long and very detailed because I wrote it for myself and because I want to remember everything! I don't think people get to hear truly positive birth stories very often, so I wanted to share our experience.

Roscoe’s official due date was May 31st. A little back-story includes the fact that our doula had an out of town trip scheduled for the 21st through the 25th, and that my Grandparent's were visiting from Hawaii, but headed back home on the 21st as well. If we gave birth while Lori was away we would have had to use her backup so our fingers were crossed that he would come before or after her trip. As for my grandparent's, Roscoe is their first great grandchild so of course they were hoping he'd arrive while they were in town.

On Monday evening (May 18th) I set out on my usual 3-mile walk. On the way back I was feeling really tired and sorry I hadn't taken a shorter route. Later that night I felt really stiff and sore and figured I might have overdone it. Despite our initial plan to clean the house, go grocery shopping (our cupboards were practically bare), and make our bed per the instructions of our midwife, I was feeling so out of it that we decided to go to bed instead.

The next morning I felt more pressure in my pelvis, and found it increasingly difficult to comfortably walk around the house. In particular, my lower back was getting tighter and tighter. I began telecommuting up in the loft a little before 9:00 am, sat in on a conference call at 12:00 pm, and took my lunch at 1:00. Around the same time I felt a couple painless period-like cramps, not unlike those I'd been experiencing for weeks. I set my alarm for 25 minutes in order to take a quick snooze and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the couch pillow. Not more than ten minutes later I woke to a flow of warm water and quickly realized it was my water breaking. I made it to the bathroom just in time for a big gush of amniotic fluid, and awesomely, my back pain was instantly relieved, my belly seemed smaller, and I felt great! Despite the early signs of progress noted in previous weeks, Andy and I had tried to maintain the realistic expectation that Roscoe might arrive after his due date, so I was actually pretty shocked to be in labor at 38 weeks, 2 days. A rush of adrenaline simultaneously brought on tears and the shakes.

I first called Andy at work. When he answered I blurted out that my water had just broken, and he asked if I was kidding. Tearfully, I said “no”. He responded with a few sweet words and I could tell he was excited. We got off the phone exchanging “I Love Yous” and a joyful “Oh my god, we’re having a baby TODAY!” Andy left work and headed home knowing it would be at least an hour as he needed to stop by CVS to pick up an antibiotic for group beta strep. With rush hour fast approaching I next called Susan (our midwife), then Lori (our Doula). At that point, I had not yet had any contractions so I was told to go about my day, and to give Susan a call in a couple hours to let her know how we were doing. She said that if contractions didn't begin within the next 12 to 18 hours we would discuss how to proceed, but added that she hoped we'd have our baby by then.

So! After signing off at work, and considering my good luck in timing my leave (I had only worked from home for 2.5 days), I raced around to tidy the house (we had company coming!) and started some last minute loads of laundry while I waited for both Andy to get home from work, and for the contractions to begin.

When the first real contraction came I called Susan for a little pep talk (the first and last) and said something along the lines of, "I know we planned this natural birth and all....but....uh...these contractions kinda hurt. I'm worried!" She reminded me that they would continue to get stronger but that I would acclimate to the pain as my labor progressed. While on the phone I had another contraction more painful than the first, and said, "Oooh, that one was worse." In a calm and steady, matter of fact way, she said. "No. That one was BETTER, it was STRONGER!" Which reminded me to reframe the pain, and gave me a smile. Just one of the many reasons why Susan is awesome!

By the time Andy arrived around 3:00 pm I had experienced only three contractions. He had downloaded a contraction timing App a few days earlier (there's one for everything!), and by 3:30 pm Andy's iPhone showed my contractions coming every three to five minutes.

So there we were at the beginning of DC rush hour, with my midwife (in Maryland) and my doula (in Sterling) on the wrong side of traffic. Susan and Lori kept reminding me that first labors average 20 hours. They were very laid-back and in no rush to head out onto I95. My mom was in labor for 8 hours with me, 1.5 hours with my sister, and 1.1 hours with my brother. My labor was progressing as quickly and I was beginning to worry about the timing of the birth team's arrival to our house. I told them I'd call them if anything changed.

Initially, Andy helped me manage my pain with counter pressure moves we had learned in our Bradley class. Eventually, those were not at all helpful, and I did what felt best which at the time was to simply rock and breathe through each contraction. Lori suggested I drink a glass of wine and head upstairs to take a bath. I didn't drink the wine, but I did get in the tub; the heat felt nice, but lying down was uncomfortable. Andy and I then hopped in the shower but didn't stay long because I just didn’t find it very helpful which was disappointing because I had heard such great things about laboring in water. I redressed and we headed back downstairs.

In preparation for labor, Andy and I had created an exhaustive list of activities to keep us busy in the early stages. They ran the gamut from going to the grocery store to buy supplies for Roscoe’s birthday cake, to taking a hike at the local park, or watching video from our wedding. I entered the active stage of labor within an hour or so of my first contraction, to our dismay we never had a chance to implement the list! At one point, Andy suggested that we sit outside in the sun and maybe take a little stroll. That sounded nice. Just as we were headed for the door, the first of my transitional contractions began, and there was no going anywhere but upstairs for the final phase of labor. I called the birth team again and they were on their way!

I went back to our bedroom and labored for a little while, and around 4:30 I wanted Lori’s ETA—I was more than ready for some additional labor support. Andy called and she was only about 15 minutes away. I crawled into my bed just as she arrived.

Soon after, I started to bear down and Lori mouthed to Andy that we would have a baby SOON! When Susan arrived around 5:20 pm, I remember seeing her walk through our bedroom door, but I barely acknowledged her; laboring between the time that I went upstairs to take a bath, and Roscoe’s actual birth was quite a blur. I was definitely in my birthing zone, and completely giving in to the experience. My body led the way and I intuitively followed.

The transition from labor contractions to pushing contractions was for me the strangest part of Roscoe's birth. At this stage, the contractions began with rhythmic cramping pain but at the height of the contraction started a completely involuntary squeeze that, in the words of my doula, "is like throwing up backward!" It was kind of awkward and I found myself fighting the contractions. Up until that point I had been practically silent, but with direction from Lori I began vocalizing with each exhalation, which really helped me to focus and relax. After several contractions I had it figured out and headed to the bathroom for what would become my first true pushing contraction. I pushed only once with each of the next few contractions, and alternated between the bathroom and our bedroom for routine fetal monitoring.

When my labor had progressed to the point where I was pushing three times with each contraction, I instinctively retreated to our darkened bathroom after declaring “I want to be alone". I pushed over the toilet for the next 40 minutes and every so often someone from the birth team would poke their head in to offer water, or support. They also checked the baby's heart rate periodically. Otherwise, I was left to labor as I pleased. Andy, Susan, and Lori kept each other company in our bedroom. Around this time, Mel, our photographer, showed up. She had driven from Richmond (about an hour and twenty minutes away) and had timed her arrival perfectly.

With each contraction I could feel Roscoe moving down, and I could see my belly changing shape. I felt like I was getting somewhere so I asked Susan to check me for the first (and last) time. She said that I was making good progress. With the very next contraction Lori said she could see Roscoe's head and asked me if I wanted to touch it. I did and it felt wet, and squishy!

I squatted there in the bathroom and was prepared to give birth, but in an effort to avoid tearing, my midwife suggested we move into the bedroom and try a different position. I had several contractions kneeling in a "proposal" position, and then it was time for Roscoe to make his debut!

I laid back with Andy behind me, and pushed several times. At one point, I felt some burning and Susan suggested I breathe through the contractions instead of pushing with them. She also noted that Roscoe’s head was asynclitic, which means that it was tilted to the side. Instead of the back-top of his head coming out first, the side-top was leading the way. Susan helped reposition his head at the end, which alleviated some of the burning. Lori offered a mirror so we could see Roscoe crowning. The next thing I remember, was reaching down to pull baby Roscoe up onto my belly. His umbilical cord was on the shorter side so I could only pull him up to a certain point, but he locked eyes with us and, like a little animatronic baby, his dark gray eyes opened and closed in unison. He was brand new, beautiful, foreign yet familiar at the same time. Andy and I were awestruck. Roscoe’s apgar scores were 8 and 9. We invited my sister and my mom to come upstairs, and everyone chatted while waiting for the placenta to be delivered before Andy cut the cord.

When I attempted to breastfeed he latched immediately.

Roscoe was wrapped in a blanket and handed to Andy while I took a shower and got dressed. We climbed into bed, a new family of three, and waited for our visitors to arrive. First came Roscoe’s Grandpa, then his other set of Grandparents, and two sets of Great Grandparents. When everyone else went downstairs to enjoy the meal my mom and my sister had specially prepared, Andy and I were given time to ourselves to eat and hang out with our son.

Roscoe was born in our bedroom at 7:54 pm after 5 hours and 23 minutes of labor. He weighed 7 pounds 2 ounces, and was 19 inches long. Giving birth at home was calm, intimate, and empowering above all else. I loved everything about it, from beginning to end. Particularly the time Andy and I spent together before the birth team arrived, and the fact that I got to call the shots and labor how and where I wanted. Roscoe's birth was everything we had hoped for and more. I cannot wait to do it again!

A few surprises included the fact that I preferred to labor alone during the pushing phase. I didn’t want an audience, and I couldn’t have predicted that prior to the actual event.

Also, while we did not implement so much of what we learned during our Bradley course, I absolutely believe that it was instrumental in setting the tone for the kind of birth we wanted, preparing us emotionally and mentally for labor, and for working together as a team to bring Roscoe into the world. The confidence and excitement we had going into the experience really made it for us.

Lastly, many people thought we were crazy for hiring a photographer to document our birth experience. In reality it was one of the best decisions we made. Hands down. As the laboring woman, you miss so much because you have only one perspective. Mel captured things that were happening in other rooms of our home; sweet, sentimental moments that I could not have experienced if it weren’t through the photos she took. Furthermore, anyone who’s ever taken a Bradley course knows that you get to see many, many, MANY births on video. To tell you the truth, some of my absolute favorite pictures are of Roscoe literally being born. It is AMAZING to see your own body work in that way. As for my comfort level with being photographed at such an intense time, mothers will tell you that your modesty goes out the window during birth, but what I found was that I hardly noticed Mel was there. If you ask her, she’ll tell you that it was the most intrusive she’s ever felt behind her lens, but from our end we couldn’t have been more at ease, comfortable in our own space.

When next we meet...

Our Doula came to the house last night for our final prenatal visit. Initially, when we were planning a hospital birth, we contracted Lori for independent labor support and advocacy in the hospital setting. Now that we're planning a home birth, her role will also include assisting our midwife as needed--primarily during the actual birth and postpartum.

I must say that Andy has been amazing throughout the entire pregnancy--not that I expected anything less! He was a great partner during our 12 week Bradley course and has remained actively involved and engaged in the experience. While Andy will serve as my primary support, Lori has assisted hundreds of women in labor and knows so much about facilitating natural birth--she has many tricks in her bag!

Many people have asked us, "Well if Andy is your primary support, why have a doula!?"

At this point, labor and birth are relative unknowns for both of us. Andy has said more than once that he would feel a lot of pressure if I were planning to rely solely on him for labor support. Knowing that he can pull from Lori's experience makes him more confident in his ability to support me in ways that will be most helpful. For me, I anticipate that giving birth will be a lot of physical and emotional work. The choice to surround myself with women who trust the process of natural birth, and who believe in my body's ability to birth my baby, is fundamental.

I think we’ve assembled a phenomenal birth team, and I feel nothing but positive anticipation for the big day.