Two New Perspectives From Our First Year of Homeschool

Summer with my wild things

In our first year of homeschool I grew beyond my own perceived limits of time and energy and even fed my hearty appetite for solitude, all the while mentoring Roscoe to meet his own challenges and to dig more deeply and joyfully into his learning. It was a year spent navigating family life as we do, with an added layer of personal responsibility for Roscoe's kindergarten education.

At different times throughout last year—certainly in the many months leading up to September after we made our decision to homeschool, and then periodically throughout the Fall—I could feel myself leaning in to a lingering whisper that demanded to know where all these days of play and work were taking us. Was it really true that I could only take this one day at a time?

How would my personality and his personality, our strengths and weaknesses and interests co-exist, and grow, and where would we be at the end of the year? Would Roscoe learn to read? Would he learn to write his name? Could our homeschool really be everything he needed and could I be satisfied in my singular role having set aside most everything else at that point to pursue this path of motherhood and homeschool?

Learning to live with uncertainty this year—all the practice I've had just sitting with my uncomfortable feelings of NOT knowing, and without guarantee of anything be it homeschool or mothering, for that matter—has helped me to find peace in the process of work unfolding without the burden or pressure of expectation. I make no assumption about where Roscoe's work will take him, or the pace at which it will develop, or the form it will take on. I may have said that before, but I really mean it now.

I've expanded this mindset to also release myself from pursuing a burning need I often feel to analyze the details of how my own professional work will develop, as I am only one person, and my career ideas and dreams are bigger than our life can hold at the moment. I'm not worried though, because there will be time for it all. Just not right now.

I'm beginning to embrace the idea that life is simply a series of projects amassed over time. Relief seeps into my core at this notion of a life's work because it grants me permission to indulge my whims and curiosities, and to be moved by my energy when it flows, gathering new ideas and inspiration along the way to pursue what is meaningful when it is meaningful and letting go of expectations for myself when it no longer feels so.

Another theme to emerge from this year is a renewed trust in my mothering. When the boys were young I was naively and rightfully certain that my instincts were true. I believed wholeheartedly in my mothering self from the moment I became a mother, maybe even before that. Of course no one can know everything, but I was certain that I could see my babies for the little beings that they were, and I could listen to them and know them and meet their needs without fail when I honored my own instinctive desire to act on their behalf—in giving birth to them, in feeding them and sleeping with them, in setting boundaries and giving them freedom to explore their independence.

When the boys were young my early parenting decisions were sheltered in the safety and privacy of our home, and I readily dismissed the high stakes and demands of modern motherhood as our culture markets it to us. It was easier then though. This past year as we moved beyond and into the elementary years, I felt a shift, our parenting choices less private and on greater display than ever before. We are out in the community at times when other kids are typically in a classroom. Family and friends can't help but weigh in on our homeschool, a difficult conversation to entirely avoid—I'll admit—when they meet Roscoe's cool enthusiasm for kindergarten-at-home in response to standard pleasantries like, "How old are you?" and "What grade are you in?"

With Roscoe moving one day at a time further from the standards of the Common Core as we peel away to pursue something of our own making—and with growing awareness for what his public and private school counterparts are doing—I've entertained my own thoughts of time lost if our homeschool doesn't pan out, and just what would happen then?

The last year and a half I've been challenged to be unaffected "by what everyone else is doing." Always a devil's advocate and unafraid to unearth every stone big or small until I am satisfied, in temporary moments of weakness I've sat with the possibility that there could exist some thing that he needs that I don't have to give, or that I can't harness for him, or that I can't help him to harness for himself. In my heart of hearts though, I don't believe these sentiments apply to our homeschool any more than they do to mothering in general. Haven't we all wondered this at one time or another, homeschooling or not?

Sure, it can feel vulnerable to do what everyone else is not doing, but with some perspective on this first year I've found courage and new confidence in how all these pieces relate to each other in the bigger scheme of our life. I may have felt unsure for a while there, talking myself through and putting on a brave face, wondering what's the worst that could happen? But after this year, intimately involved and actively practicing our intentions, I truly feel a new level of trust in my boys' learning process, and in myself as their mother and mentor.

PBH kindergarten was everything I hoped it would be. Constrained by very little and free to do as we pleased, our time was ours, our schedule was ours, and every day was a new adventure no matter where we landed.

A whole school year has passed, our first together, and we're grounded now on the other side having better learned how to pursue our interests in the context of our relationships and family life.

We are so free. Free to be our true selves, undefined by the expectations of a culture to which we don't particularly identify. The happy realization through this last year has been to find out that living up to our own expectations is more than enough.

Self Care and Keeping Organized: Part III of the Work/Life/Self Series Guest Post

In a three part interview I'm answering questions from Sarah at Next Page, New Chapter on topics ranging from career to homeschool and self care. 

Sarah and I worked for the same company in my pre-baby DC days and I'm so happy we've stayed connected over the years through our writing. She's a mama to one fiery red-head and balances a full-time job (and insane commute) with all her other pursuits. Like the rest of us she's curious how other mothers navigate work and motherhood.

Today in Part III of the Work/Life/Self series guest post I'm talking about self care and home organization. 

You can jump to the full interview HERE. Just Joining Us? Catch up on Part I and Part II. 

Copyright @ marblesrolling.blogspot.com

S: How do you manage to keep yourself mentally, emotionally and physically healthy? Do you have any daily or weekly rituals?

J: I thought for a long time that self care meant going to the dentist, getting my haircut—stuff I needed to do to take care of myself, right? I have since reframed self care as an opportunity to refuel, it's the stuff in life that brings joy and pleasure: time spent in nature, time alone to read and write and dream and plan and pursue my projects, quality time spent in deep conversations with my husband and girlfriends, good food, comfortable underwear and cozy pajamas!

I have time built into every week that I know is mine to use for these activities. Andy works late on Mondays so those evenings are always very quiet and relaxing after the kids are in bed. I also have six hours on Sundays that I usually devote to an outdoor hike and time spent writing. I workout in the early mornings or late evenings 5 days a week. This all sounds like a lot but I feel calmer and more energized to be the mom that my kids deserve when I prioritize taking care of myself.

As an aside, adequate sleep cannot be underestimated! I know it’s hard to find when the kids are young, and choosing sleep over getting things done can be tough at the end of the day when it seems there aren’t enough hours to attend to all the things that pull our attention but, if there is one simple place to start this is it! The days are exponentially more difficult when I’m tired.

It’s been an iterative process for me to identify what I need, communicate those desires to my husband, and grow increasingly willing to let go when it comes to the kids while I’m away. Self care was not part of my vocabulary for the first three years of motherhood, at least.

As for rituals, we have this little stovetop pressure steamer that froths up a dreamy foam and every morning I make a latte for myself with vanilla extract and a dash of ground cloves. I also really love my makeup brand right now and it has re-inspired my morning routine. Writing on Sundays at different coffee shops that I enjoy starts my week off right and grounds my energy.

(Read more...)

Do you have special rituals that keep you sane? Any tips to share for keeping yourself and your home organized?

That time I was surprised to choose homeschool, and is it more or less work than I anticipated: Part II of the Work/Life/Self Series Guest Post

In a three part interview I'm answering questions from Sarah at Next Page, New Chapter on topics ranging from career to homeschool and self care.

Sarah and I worked for the same company in my pre-baby DC days and I'm so happy we've stayed connected over the years through our writing. She's a mama to one fiery red-head and balances a full-time job (and insane commute) with all her other pursuits. Like the rest of us she's curious how other mothers navigate work and motherhood.

Today in Part II Sarah asks about that time I was surprised to choose homeschool, and the big question: Is it more or less work than I anticipated?

You can jump to the full interview HERE.  Just Joining Us? Catch up on Part I and Part III.

S: From reading your blog posts, you seemed somewhat surprised at yourself by making the decision to homeschool. Can you discuss which factors led to your decision, and do you anticipate a time when one of your children might be homeschooled but another might prefer a different environment?

J: It’s true, I had a little identity crisis when it looked as if we were leaning toward choosing homeschool for Roscoe’s kindergarten year! I just never thought of myself as someone who would choose to homeschool—I imagined elementary school as an opportunity to ramp up my work hours, and I carried some preconceived ideas about who homeschools and why and how, and based on those assumptions I just never envisioned our family as the homeschooling kind. Ah but things changed!

(Read the rest...)

Read the Full Interview at Sarah's blog Next Page New Chapter where I also answer the question Is homeschooling more or less work than you anticipated?

Copyright @marblesrolling.blogspot.com

Join in the discussion, we'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences on mothering and schooling and work/life integration!

Work Decisions and the Evolution of my Career: Part I Work/Life/Self Series Guest Post

In a three part interview I'm answering questions from Sarah at Next Page, New Chapter on topics ranging from career to homeschool and self care.

Sarah and I worked for the same company in my pre-baby DC days and I'm so happy we've stayed connected over the years through our writing. She's a mama to one fiery red-head and balances a full-time job (and insane commute) with all her other pursuits. Like the rest of us she's curious how other mothers navigate work and motherhood.

Today in Part I she asks about the evolution of my career and what shapes my professional path.

You can jump straight to the full interview HERE.  Read Part II and Part III. 

Copyright @ marblesrolling.blogspot.com

Hello readers! I want to say thank you to Sarah for inviting me to interview on these topics. I love this thread of inquiry and have always been fascinated by the challenges of work life integration and how other mother’s make their mothering and their careers work for them.

Your career has evolved from traditional (working in the basic sciences) to relatively non-traditional (doula, childbirth educator.) Can you please walk us through this evolution?

I grew up on the West Coast and moved to Virginia with my family when I was 15. During college admissions my dad and I were on a campus tour in Richmond, he picked up a brochure for the new College of Engineering and said, “Hey, you should do this for your major! You would be great at this.” I had zero intention of staying in Virginia for college so I shrugged and said sure.

As I’ve learned now, more than a few times, even the best laid plans don’t always come to fruition and, likewise, sometimes the best outcomes are fortuitous.

Read the Full Interview at Sarah's blog Next Page New Chapter where I also answer the questions Have these career choices surprised you in any way? Had you considered them prior to the birth of your first child, or did they result from your experiences as a mother?

Come join in the discussion we'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences on mothering and work/life integration!

On Sabbatical: a practice in Savasana

I've been on sabbatical for the last four months. I needed to put away my phone, step away from my email, and live without the expectant urgency of being on call. The start of the new year felt like great timing.

I was intimidated to declare my intentions for a break—it felt risky because MamaBorn had great momentum and work was very steady—but I knew it was what I needed, and it felt like good practice to listen to that inner voice of knowing. It felt even better (in hindsight, at least) to reply YES.

Yes, take a break. Yes, your work and everything else will benefit. Yes, you will figure it out.
Ah, sweet relief.

Not counting two maternity leaves, I've never taken a full break from paid work. At first I felt naked with a clear calendar. It was hard NOT to think about MamaBorn, or some variation of MamaBorn. I found it a challenge to circumvent the natural spontaneous brainstorming that had become my routine. It was hard to stop from dreaming up new projects for MamaBorn, new approaches to marketing, new services, and new formats for delivering birth education to expectant parents. I had to force myself to adopt the savasana mentality—a challenging yoga pose of total relaxation—and resist the urge to think or make or do anything in particular.

This card hangs in my office as a reminder. Credit: Colette Paperie.

I spent January cheerfully but reluctantly settling in. I talked a lot—to anyone who would listen—and brain dumped my nervous energy into my journal to try to clear my head and regain clarity on what my next steps would be. (An iterative process that always brought me back to my intention to master Savasana.)

February was devoted to catching up on a long list of accumulated to-dos that had created a life of their own while I was enraptured with work and family. My office was a disaster and the changing season called me to clear our home space to make room for whatever was to come. So I cleaned, and purged, and organized everything under our little roof.

Writers block had also been pressing hard for months so I enrolled in a creative writing class to try to get out from under it. Timed writing exercises and mandatory read alouds tenderly pushed me beyond my comfort zone. It was terrifying and inspiring. I realized that ordinary life—theirs and even mine—offers universal narratives that are interesting and so worth the writing and telling. I found a new perspective for the censors that live in my head and gladly re-claimed my writers voice.

In March we declared our commitment to homeschooling, and here is where I acknowledge the ways in which the choices that Andy and I make for our family life directly impact my ability to devote energy and time to my paid work. Our priorities have shifted yet again, and I'm just sitting with the uncertainty of all of it and holding space for the possibilities. It is an uncomfortable place for me but I'm getting better at riding out these known unknowns. (I think I accepted the likely ebb and flow trajectory of my career within the the first few months of new motherhood.)

Here it is the end of April and for now, due to Summer travels that begin next month, my Sabbatical continues indefinitely. It feels impossible to know how much energy I will have to pursue MamaBorn in its current incarnation, or even the possibility of another baby, until we begin our homeschooling journey and I can see it unfold in real-time,

How do you mentally juggle career and family? How do you live in the present? Does Savasana come easy for you?

Labeling myself a work-at-home momma, FAQ answers

Last month readers posted questions to an FAQ request. Today I'm sharing more about my experience as a work at home momma.

How do you like being a working stay-at-home mom (do you consider yourself that?)

Finding the right language to describe my role as a working mother has always been a little challenging for me. Part of the conflict is that since I became a mother I've worked only in a part-time capacity and from home. Because such a small percentage of my time was focused on work, and because most of my energy and joy was derived from the kids and our family life, I didn't consider my work a hugely substantive part of my identity and while I called myself a work-at-home mom, I thought of myself as a stay-at-home mom.

When I left my job over the Summer to pursue teaching and labor support, I was crowned with the official title of stay-at-home mom. Andy and I both made some lofty assumptions about the ways that life at home would be restyled with this new phase of my career. Andy imagined a direct translation to a cleaner, more tidy, and better organized home; a calmer and more relaxed wife; flexibility for him to work more hours at his own job; and more sex. In addition to all that I thought I would also have more time to invest in self care and looked forward to more quality time with the kids at home and around town.

I had no idea how quickly or passionately I would jump into developing my birth services concept for MamaBorn, or how rapidly business would come, not to mention how great a commitment the hours would be. In general, I work around 30 hours a week, and most would consider those to be the hours of a working mother. Of course, the early investment required to get a small business off the ground can be tremendous, so I expect the time commitment to wane a bit now that I have laid the groundwork. Happily, we are finally realizing some of those ideals we initially imagined for ourselves.

I've always felt that working from home, while seemingly the best of both worlds, left some things to be desired. For me, I missed the clear boundaries between work and home (designated space and designated time to focus on work responsibilities), face to face adult interaction, the requisite to begin the day with a shower, and makeup, and a put together outfit; the opportunity to leave the house and mingle in regular life.

I cherish the opportunity to have breastfed both of my kids and to have bypassed the challenges of separation and pumping, and to have always been within arms reach whenever I or they needed the other. I love that I was able to keep family at the heart of every day, while still growing my career and maintaining some financial independence.

Still, setting effective boundaries is a learned skill and working and living under the same roof makes it difficult to carve-out time dedicated solely to either one. I find it a much greater challenge now that I work for myself and when my work is so close to my heart: an extension of how I live and love, and a true integration of career and family. During my work at home hours I am also fielding questions from the nanny, checking in with the kids, facilitating discipline when needed, and hearing their every move through the walls of our small home. Sometimes it can be hard to concentrate with all that interruption and so I spend a fair amount of my fifteen dedicated hours sitting at Starbucks where I can work truly free from thoughts of the kids. On the flip-side, it takes effort to remain unplugged (as much as is possible when on-call) during family time, and to give myself permission to be free from my endless list of business related to-dos.

Over the last year I've developed my identity as a working mother with a great amount of flexibility to be present and engaged with my kids throughout the week. I love my work and I love my family, and I have to consciously balance my commitment to my business with my family's necessary sacrifice and meet them somewhere in the middle. Given that I have two young children and a husband who works a demanding job an hour out of town, my dreams for my business are constrained, in a way, by my responsibilities to my family and by our collective resources of time, energy, and finances. This reality keeps me focused on the priorities of my work, which is a good thing, because I can (and would) brainstorm business and birth all day and night.

In general, I feel more confident in my role as a working mother, but as with all transitions we are fine tuning our approach to learn what works best to make a dual career household run smoothly. I think working from home and being entrepreneurial throws in a twist, but it feels a little bit like an adventure!

What is your working arrangement and what do you call yourself?

How I make my career work for me: childcare, FAQ answers

Last month readers posted questions to an FAQ request. Today I'm talking business and mothering, and sharing how I make my career work for me.

How do you handle running your own business and managing your children? Do you have structured work hours or do you just try to squeeze work in throughout your day? Do you use childcare or just work around the kids somehow? 

I have always enjoyed learning about how other moms balance their careers with mothering and home life. I'm lucky to have a close group of girlfriends with a spectrum of experience integrating work into their lives, and they have inspired me to think unconventionally about how I structure my time.

Over the years I have experimented with a variety of  work arrangements. After graduate school I held a fairly traditional 9-5 job for a non-profit in Washington DC, which included a 35 hour work week, 15 hours of commute time, and some routine business travel. When Roscoe was born 3 years later, I took a 20-week maternity leave then cut back to part-time employment at two days a week working from home. I gave up my benefits, increased my hourly wage, and gained a huge amount of flexibility. We hired a nanny who cared for Roscoe 7am to 2pm, on Mondays and Wednesdays. The rest of the week I was free to attend to family obligations and relationships.

At some point during Roscoe's first year (maybe around 9 months) I ramped my hours up to 3 days a week: Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. Then when he was around a year old, and shortly after we found out we were pregnant with Merritt, I increased my hours again to 4 days a week (28 hours). My position was grant-funded and that fiscal year we did not expect to receive additional funding, so I front-loaded my hours and figured that a new baby would create a graceful exit strategy. I took 6 months off after Merritt was born and then, when some money turned up again to fund my position, I resumed working from home at 3 days a week for a total of 21 hours. In July 2012 I quit my former telecommuting job, but retained the help of our nanny 15 hours a week to supplement my work effort dedicated to MamaBorn.

All that to say that my professional work and my need for paid help has followed a non-linear path!

I have found that a professional work-from-home career requires dedicated work time and the help of reliable childcare. Not every job or personality type would demand it, but so far that has been my experience. We are very fortunate to have found compassionate and committed women who readily adopted our parenting style in caring for the boys, and to whom the kids have formed great attachments. Without them I would not be able to pursue my career as I do.

Over the last four years we've relied on 5 different nannies, 2 of which were temporary hires during our move from DC to Richmond. Our first nanny was with us for about a year and a half before we moved South. The second has been with us since we moved here a year and a half ago; she took on more responsibility at her other job at the end of last year and remains our primary babysitter for monthly dates and other miscellaneous childcare needs. Our third and current nanny started working with us in January and will remain with us until the kids begin preschool this Fall.

I now have 15 hours a week set aside to catch up on home organization, errands/chores, and MamaBorn related commitments. The hours are divided between Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. 8-1pm.

In addition to these set aside hours, I typically have at least two, sometimes three, client appointments during weeknights and weekends. I also allocate a couple hours over the weekend to respond to urgent messages, write birth stories, edit photos, or prepare for class. When I have a Bradley series in session, I teach one night a week and that accounts for another 4 hours between travel and class time.

Two weeks ago, for example, I attended a birth from late Monday night to mid-morning Tuesday, taught class Tuesday evening, enjoyed Wednesday night at home, met with a client for her prenatal visit from 6:30-9:30pm with travel on Thursday, hung out Friday night at home, consulted with another  potential client on Saturday afternoon, and then in the evening co-led a community meeting for a non-profit birth organization. In addition, I am usually on-call for at least one mama at any given time, so we are limited in the radius that we can travel outside of Richmond, usually an hour or so is as far as I will venture out. Not all weeks are this busy, but many of them are!

My ability to work is directly dependent on my husband's commitment to caring for our kids while I am out of the house in the evenings and on weekends, in addition to our nanny during the work week.

In your role as a doula how do you arrange for child care? Women in labour hardly ever follow a schedule and while I am sure your husband takes care of night duties how do you manage flexible child care for when he is at work?

Because of the relationships that we've developed with our two current nannies, I can rely on each of them to care for the kids if I am called to a birth, and my sister also lives close by. In a pinch, I once asked my mother in law to drive from DC to stay with the kids for the afternoon. In general, I usually arrange a combination of sitters to fill in for the hours that I will be gone. It can be intense to organize childcare on the fly, but it works out fine, and once arrangements are made I don't have to think twice about what is happening at home, which allows me to fully focus my attention on my role supporting mamas through labor.

Fortuitous events define my career & a sneak peak

My first series of birth education classes started two weeks ago. Since I returned home from BlogHer, most of my time has been invested in preparing and rehearsing each weeks' curriculum and to fleshing out a birth services concept that I'm developing for my new project MamaBorn. The logo is finalized, and a website design is in process.

Check it out!

I've been so immersed in my work, and feeling lucky to be in this place of utter freedom and creativity, professionally. I spent a lot of time in the years before I became pregnant worrying about how I would manage being a mother and having a career. I wish I had known then how the pivotal moments of my early career would be defined not by the detailed plans I'd laid out in advance, but by fortuitous events that no one could have predicted.

Like when my former boss resigned from her position midway through my maternity leave after Roscoe was born--I had already decided not to return to my job but reconsidered when I heard the news.

Then, when a Director in another division offered me the opportunity to manage under her a public health initiative with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and then encouraged me to ask to work from home so I could remain with Roscoe--without her advocacy I wouldn't have had the courage to even consider asking for the flexibility to telecommute.

Later, the opportunity to certify with the American Academy of Husband-Coached Childbirth presented itself (made possible by a locally offered training), which was followed closely by Merritt's untimely arrival, all to highlight for me the strength and fragility of the human spirit when we bring new life into the world, and the importance of supporting women in the ways they want and need to be supported during labor and birth but also postpartum, particularly around lactation and attachment in the NICU.

Then came our big move South. Putting our house on the market was another on-a-whim decision that ended up paying off in huge ways. Now I live in a small city that fosters startups and creative thinkers. A community that supports small, local business. Add to that an active and influential birthing community with progressive ideas and real options for women and families, and you may see how things are falling right into place.

Not knowing then how motherhood would change me, I'm proud that my boys have motivated me to want more for myself, from my life and from my work.  I'm learning to be flexible, and patient, as I navigate a nontraditional career hinged, at least for now, on the relationships I'm building at home. The kids are at the center of what I do every day and I'm grateful that I can remain committed to them and also follow other parts of my heart out into the community to share what I've learned and to teach what I know.

Work ends, life begins

We're keeping it cool, literally (with ice cream, of course)
and figuratively (because life is crazy-good right now).

The beginning of last week was a frenzy of email exchanges and conference calls wrapping up what has been my career for the past six years. I'm so very grateful to have had the opportunity over the last three years to remain intimately involved in the boys' daily life while also growing professionally. I am also more than happy to have agreed to remain available to the Initiative through the end of September on an as-needed basis. I know what you're thinking. Not a huge commitment, just offering limited availability to see the grant through its final months and to support the team as we close the remaining open projects. (It has been hard for me to submit entirely to the idea that I won't have my own income stream and so I suppose this is my way of hanging on until the very last second.)

On Wednesday I swiftly turned my attention and energy to addressing a long list of to-dos that I had been putting off for the better part of 8 months, maybe longer, all hinged on the anticipated moment of work's end. 

So many household chores have been ignored or left undone out of necessity to prioritize and I tackled a good chunk in just a couple days: listing baby items for sale on craigslist; deep cleaning the kitchen; reinventing the screened-in porch from a cluttered storage space to a cozy dining area; culling the kids' worn and age inappropriate toys from the good ones for tossing and for putting into storage; sifting through their drawers and closets to pack away the clothes that no longer fit; yard maintenance; and finally working with Roscoe to support his efforts to potty train. (His progress in only two days has been tremendous and exciting for all of us.)

I've also had some time to devote to getting my birth work off the ground. I hired someone to help with my brand, I'm digging into the curriculum, securing a teaching space, and ordering workbooks and teaching aids--a female pelvis arrived in the mail yesterday!

My first series of classes begin in August and the next three weeks are going to be intense in the best ways possible. We're headed to the beach on Sunday for a family vacation with our extended family, and when we return I'll be headed off to Blogher '12, then shortly after I'll put on a new hat to assume the role of birth educator. It is a dream come true to be immersed in activity that feeds my passions and contributes to building community and improving quality of life, for others and for myself. I think the whole family's happiness and contentment just got kicked up a notch. 

I bought a laptop so that I can stay connected through my travels and adventures, and have every intention to resume dialogue here starting . . . now.

work and play

Since returning from maternity leave in 2011, my typical work schedule has been 8am - 3pm every Tuesday and Thursday.  I've always enjoyed having a couple days of designated time for my professional work, while still preserving the afternoons with the kids and a majority of our weekdays to hang out together.

I've also joked that working from home, while ideal for us, affords me few of the perks I perceive to exist for moms who either stay home or work outside the home, like getting dressed and stepping into a different environment, or the luxury of being fully present in either role of the moment. In three years I never did find absolute harmony in separating the two roles when they both must live under one roof. Work often runs into family life and even with great child care I find myself mothering during business hours.

For the month of May I worked 4 and 5 days a week either 8-3 or 8-5, which has been hard on all of us. Our nanny, who has been with us since we moved back to Richmond, took on a full load of Summer classes and understandably could not commit to also watching the kids. I spent more than a month interviewing for her position and then invested time and money training a girl who, for all promise, didn't show up on her first day, and then again stood me up on her third.  Both were honest but unacceptable mistakes as I am in the twilight hours of finishing up my final project before finally calling it quits.  She wasn't a perfect fit, anyway, which made it easier to let her go.

Given the circumstances, I've been off this week and, while I sometimes think of my work time as "break time" from my mothering responsibilities, I've really missed the kids the last few weeks and so have been eagerly soaking them up.

The way Merritt does his confident little turn-and-plop into my lap for story time.  The fact that we have time to spend three hour blocks at the park digging in the sand until we're all three red in the face only to eventually make our way back home in time to devour popsicles before dinner. Their sweaty little heads, and sticky bodies after a full day of late May revelry is proof of their adventures and the all-out effort required of toddler play. Speaking of which, after Roscoe's bath last night he declared, seemingly impressed, "Look, Momma!  I don't have any dirt in my toenails!"

I realized yesterday during our walk that Merritt can now say "bird" and "squirrel", and "car".  I had no idea because I haven't taken them for a nap-walk in weeks.  He also recently started saying "geeeentle" in a sing-songy voice to match my constant reminders not to slap me in the face during our nursing sessions.  He calls for Roscoe now too, only managing the general syllables of RAH and O, but pretty sweet sounding just the same.

I have to find time this weekend to brain dump into their baby books, because these kids are a-changin'.  As always.

But, I'm glad to be here, and happy to have a short hiatus from being too busy to fully appreciate my little guys.

*Photos courtesy of our former nanny who emailed the montage to me a few days ago.  We definitely miss her as much as she seems to be missing the boys.

At home in the office

I've been working on prettying up my office space here at home and recently completed two projects that have made a big difference.  The first was inspired by this serene pencil holder from up in the air somewhere.  I realized I could make my very own at the pottery painting studio down the street. I used masking tape to block off the sections and then painted them mustard yellow--a color good for all seasons. The lines turned out really bold, but I like it.

The desk blotter is a cheerful addition from Prudent Baby. The step by step tutorial is here. I chose two contrasting fabrics: a black and creme rose print and an eggplant linen. I bought a yard of each from a great store called U-Fab that sells a nice selection of discounted fabric by the yard.  I used roughly one half yard of the rose fabric and have enough to make another blotter if this one gets pen marks all over it, which is probably inevitable. I used such a small amount of the linen fabric for the accent bands and so I re-covered a push pin board that was part of Roscoe's original nursery--you can see it there in the corner.

My office feels like spring!

Another Year at Home

After a lot of thought and some strategy talk, we've decided not to enroll Roscoe in preschool for the upcoming school year.

We learned through our 6 week experience at Waldorf that Roscoe may not be ready to assimilate just yet.  He was in almost constant conflict with one child or another, and while a number of variables were at play (such a small room, and so many momma/toddler pairs--it was a challenge not to come in physical contact with someone at some point; all the kids were so hovered over by their parents that the true kid-kid dynamic was hard to come by; class time fell right in the middle of Roscoe's nap-time; etc.) Roscoe just didn't seem to enjoy it very much.

We looked into some other attractive options in the area but found that by January/February, when we were feeling serious about applying, it was too late for most of the programs.  Open houses had passed, deadlines were looming large or else we had already missed them.  One school had a wait-list that had been started all the way back in October! New to the area we were definitely behind the preschool admissions curve.

I was temporarily devastated that Roscoe would be home all year, and that he would not get to experience some of the amazing opportunities afforded by these great programs. I was also distracted by the fact that his not going to preschool meant that I wouldn't have any breaks built in to the week for myself or for my work.

Subtracting the 6 months of maternity leave that I took when Merritt was born, I've been working at least part-time since Roscoe was 4 months old. I've grown to depend on my scheduled work-time as an opportunity to think non-child related thoughts and to feel like a professional, contributing my brain power to something outside my home and beyond our intimate bubble of family life.

I'll be honest, it's a break for me too, from the unforgiving demands of parenting.

So I had a discussion with our Nanny, who currently cares for the kids on the two days that I work each week, and she agreed to stay with us for at least another year.

Problemo solved.

I'm working through the end of May, and then I will move on from what has become a pretty sweet DC gig to spend two months prepping lesson plans and organizing the business-end of my soon-to-kick-off adventures in birth education. August will be the start of my first class.  I'm a little giddy and slightly nervous.  But I know I will love it and there is no doubt that I am looking to spend more time with the things that I love.

Maybe what I'm about to say next only speaks to my own prejudices, but I struggled for several weeks with the voice in my head that undermines my professional work and my dedication to the kids as their mother.

Spoiled. 
Greedy. 
Selfish. 

To have someone regularly watch the kids so that I can make my need for content, time, and space a priority, especially when I'm not even working, seems indulgent.  That last part, about "not even working" won't be so hard to overcome once I get started with my new venture but for now, the idea of immersing myself in the work of empowering families through birth education sounds like a dream, not a job.

Andy snapped me out of my negative self-talk and stifled my hesitation when he pointed out that, "Just because you're a mother doesn't mean that you have to devote every waking minute of every day to the kids or to me.  You deserve to have time to yourself.  Don't feel bad."

It's true, he's right. I feel supported now and worthy of this decision.

Next Fall we'll be at the ready with front row seats to open house night, our pre-filled applications in-hand. But this year, I'm looking forward to the luxury of following my heart into the birthing community, taking care of myself, and enjoying my boys and the life that we're building here.

Having someone to care for the kids for a few blocks of time every week will afford me the opportunity to work in peace, to have an extra hand, to get out on my own regularly, and to integrate more quality one-on-one time with each of the boys (I'm hoping to add afternoon dates to our routine).  Then, instead of feeling stressed in the evenings, to pack into 2 hours all the things that I didn't get around to doing during the day, I see them being open for Andy and I to reconnect.

As always, a happy momma makes a happy family.

Treading water

Since we returned from vacation I've been focused on finally submitting the packet of materials required to become an affiliated Bradley Birth Instructor (I got an extension because of the timing of Merritt's arrival), and also figuring out how to work from home again, this time with two kids to juggle.

I'm beat.

I started back at the gym in late June, and the only class I can attend regularly is the 6:00am. So we've been rising at 4:45am most days (in bed by 9:30pm) in an effort to establish a routine that will make getting up so early manageable for everyone.

Oh, and did I mention that we're trying to sell our house? That is another beast, but we listed it last weekend and signed a contract two nights ago. We've been showing it many times a day, which has required us to keep it clean at all times--not an easy thing to do at all.

Hopefully, the weekend will bring an opportunity to get organized and maybe even tackle a few of the long list of blog posts that I've been meaning to write for weeks.

Happy Thursday!

Feeling behind

I realized last week that I have only until mid-February to finish all the requirements needed to complete my Bradley Birth certification. November feels like it was only a few weeks ago, where has the time gone?

With Andy in California all week, I'm taking advantage of the lonely nights and instead of blogging or doing anything else, really, I've been reading and outlining the required books (three down so far!).

Still, I have what feels like a long list of unfinished items to complete in the next month, including to:

• Attend one more La Leche League meeting, and write a report on my experience
• Attend one Bradley class
• Read the final book: Husband Coached Childbirth: The Bradley Method of Natural Childbirth
• Write a book report and identify 20 questions with answers for each of the four required readings
• Compile a comprehensive binder of local resources for expectant and new parents
• Interview two local hospitals on their labor and birth policies, and procedures

Think it can be done?

With my job winding down (and last minute projects ramping up), a new work schedule and a new nanny starting next week, and 'round the clock mothering, it's been a challenge to balance my and Roscoe's needs over the past two weeks. Roscoe's been in bed by 8:00 and out of necessity (early rises, and no naps) I've been asleep by 10:00. Two hours a day isn't a lot of time to do much of anything, so I've had to prioritize.

I can tell that the days and weeks left between now and the time that Little Sears is born will be jam packed with necessary to-dos and a lot of well intentioned effort to accomplish all the other things that will help us to feel prepared for the baby's arrival--because we now know that for at least the first few months I won't be doing much more than nursing, and kid tending.

Life after work

As I prepare to carve out a new life for myself as a stay at home mom, I'm also preparing to embark on a new professional path.

My passion for the last decade has been reproductive and sexual health education. In this time I have accrued thousands of volunteer hours centered around improving the health of the people that live in my community. I have a bachelors degree in Biomedical Engineering, and a masters in Public Health Epidemiology. Since graduating I've held two professional positions, neither of which have fully utilized my expertise, nor have they struck gold in my heart of hearts.

The past four years spent behind a desk, first in DC, and now from home, have given me the time and opportunity to reflect on what I really want from my career. I've come to realize that content trumps most everything else. Better than prestige. Even better than money.

I miss grass roots community health. I ache to find work that connects me face to face with real live people, and challenges me with opportunities to educate and empower individuals to improve their health and their quality of life.

In November I will begin the process to become certified to teach natural birthing classes. I have chosen the Bradley Method because of the enormous impact that it has had on our family. I also appreciate the comprehensive nature of Bradley instruction and its emphasis on preventive measures to help pregnant women remain low risk and avoid unnecessary intervention.

I am delighted at the chance to advocate for and empower couples and families about issues centered on birth. The transition of pregnancy and birth provide extraordinary opportunities to learn, grow, and fully realize our power as women, mothers, and partners. Giving birth was transformative for me, and I hope to inspire and support couples as they prepare for a birth experience that is both positive and meaningful.

While my primary focus will remain the ever-growing Sears brood and family life, I'll have an outlet through which I can pursue my personal interests, apply my professional knowledge and experience, and perhaps build a bridge to future work that will fulfill me in ways that can only be found in passion and purpose.

Week one, down!

What feels like the longest week in a while, has finally come to an end. Applause & Cheers!!

My first week at 80% was tedious, if I can be honest. One day was spent in DC on location for a training, and the other three felt like a marathon endured at my home office. I know I'm a creature of habit, mostly, and I know I've been spoiled by part-time work. I also haven't forgotten how taxing my work life was before Roscoe was born, with a 3 hour daily commute and long work hours in a busy city.

It's all relative, I know...

Still, when four straight days go by and none of them have Roscoe at the heart, I start to feel a little blue. Yes, I get to see him throughout the day (mostly in passing) and yes, we have a few hours in the evening, but it's not enough!

On the upside, we have a four-day weekend ahead of us. The pumpkin patch, a Halloween craft or two, caramel apples, and lots of cuddles coming right up!

What are you looking forward to?

Changes

I'll admit that if it weren't for the support, encouragement, and advocacy of my current boss I would have opted out of the workforce at the end of my 20 week maternity leave. With her help I negotiated a new title, and a part-time position (with content actually relevant to my education and interests), which allowed me to be a Momma first and foremost. I'll be forever grateful for the opportunity.

I've been fortunate to not only invest in my professional career over the past year and a half, but to also nurture my relationship with Roscoe. And I've grown to love this one foot in, one foot out arrangement. I couldn't ask for more.

Next week I'll begin a new schedule working four days a week, which leaves me feeling uneasy and maybe even a little anxious because I love love love my "off" days with Roscoe and I hate the idea of missing out on our time together.

On the other hand, I'm strategically front-loading my effort this fiscal year in order to take maternity leave at 37 weeks and then to be home with Roscoe and Little Sears once he/she is born. FOR GOOD!! Or at least until the mood strikes to opt back in.

2 1/2 stars out of 5

To sum it up, last week's adventure was exhausting and stressful, but professionally rewarding, and sprinkled with some memorable family fun.

We flew to Cleveland on Monday for a conference that I've been working on for the better part of the last year. Twelve and thirteen hour days + the pregnancy + mothering Roscoe in my "off" time to include nursing him at nap each day, made it particularly tiring for me. There was very little downtime while the conference was in session, sleep at night was impossible, and morning sickness persisted in the form of food aversions galore. Of course, over-sized half-baked cookies and other sugar laden junk were the exception to the rule, which was ironic and by the end of the week I was feeling gross and frustrated. Little Sears will probably be born with cavities.

Roscoe and Andy entertained each other at the pool, and in the city. They found a few fun spots within walking distance to include a police museum, and some parks. Once my professional duties were fulfilled Thursday afternoon we set out as a threesome to sample the local cuisine, introduce Roscoe to bowling (Roscoe beat me, if that's even believable--he did have the advantage of bumpers, and I really am that bad.), and ride the bus to the children's museum.

Unlucky for us, the week we were in town the Great Lakes Science Center was CLOSED, and our hotel was located directly in the middle of the city which meant that we didn't have easy access to a lot of the activities that are traditionally "Cleveland". I really wanted to visit Ralphie's house from A Christmas Story, but we never made it.

The most disappointing part of the trip was that I forgot my camera's SD card, so the only documentation we have are the following five pictures. Sad. Sad. Sad.

Police Museum

On the Lake

Finger painting

Airport

Water Table

Roscoe was delighted by his first visits to the airport (planes make him crazy with excitement), and we were again impressed with his flexibility when it comes to new faces and places. He slept through both flights, and had no issues with keeping to his bedtime routine. We brought along our travel cot, as well as a few surprises (stickers, crayons, a new truck, a new animal book, and a stack and sort board) and all was well in the world of Roscoe. The biggest challenges we faced were to find appropriate whole foods for all of Roscoe's meals and snacks (we weren't entirely successful on this front), and to navigate his and my first extended separation.

Perhaps Cleveland deserves a second chance? If you know the area, what did we miss?!

10 things I miss

I had a meeting in the city today. I dusted off my former DC work-day attire then hightailed it just in time for my twelve o'clock.

I hadn't been back to my old office for close to a year, so it felt a little awkward and exciting, and many times throughout the day I was reminded that despite my currently sweet arrangement to work from home, there are a few things that I miss about the way things used to be.

10. Slugging!! Thirty minute naps on the way to and fro, and the long list of rules that are rarely followed. slugging = comedy.

9. Lunch walks in Georgetown

8. Face to face time with colleagues

7. Twice daily doses of NPR--now I have no idea what goes on outside the walls of my own home.

6. Racing the clock to pass the mixing bowl before 6:00 pm (that's when the regular lanes can merge into the HOV) Fun times!!

5. Blow drying my hair, putting on makeup, a non-nursing bra, and some actual clothes (No PJs allowed at the office!!)

4. "Lunch Bunches" with two certain people, in particular

3. Logging miles every day on foot (to the metro station, to the slug-line, block walks, etc.)

2. Showing off photos of Roscoe

1. Suits and flip-flops

Singing a Happy Tune

Tuesday through Friday I was a single Momma while Andy was a hard working Poppa on business in Maryland.

I reconfigured my work week to include Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday so that I could rely on Nanny M for some extra hands during the day. Wednesday and Thursday were seamless besides Roscoe's recent tendency to wake for the day at 4 am. Thursday night we were hit with yet another snowstorm, so when Nanny M phoned Friday morning from the bank of snow in which she was stranded, I decided to cut my losses and embrace the snow day. I still managed to log a full days work during Roscoe's naps and after he went to sleep for the night (at 2:30 pm!--I'll save this unfortunate part of his sleep routine for another post).

Being The Momma while Andy was away was pretty relaxing for the most part. Roscoe slept well--impressing me with consistent sleep intervals of 4-6 hours, so I enjoyed the luxury of having big chunks of time on which very few demands were placed. The evenings were mine! I worked out in the garage, got hooked on trashy MTV's Real World DC, finished reading one of several books that I've been chronically "in the middle of", baked some of my favorite chocolate cookies, and overall found great satisfaction in holding down the fort in Andy's absence. I even did some cleaning, which is pretty much unheard of these days. Or ever, if you know me in real life.

In other Roscoe news, two white-caps were brought to my attention 4 days ago during a nursing session--sure enough bottom teeth 1 and 2 are working their way out. He has also transitioned from the Bumbo to his highchair, drinks on his own from his sippy cup, and uses his hands to pick up food and feed himself. See what you miss in just a few days?

Andy returned home last night and we're all looking forward to a weekend together.