Exploring Death: conversations with my four year old

Roscoe has been bringing up the subject of death a lot lately.


He asks matter-of-fact about the way death works and then unravels in disagreement and sadness when my attempts to deliver simple and honest answers (if I can call them that) miss his mark of four year old expectation.

He asks what will happen to us when we die.

Truthfully, my version of what happens leaves a lot to be desired, even for me, as we are agnostic—some days even atheistic. So I tell him (in these and other words) that our bodies stop working but that our energy lives on in the people who love us and who have ever been affected by us, and that our energy is literally recycled back into the earth and universe to nourish the future.

He wants to keep his energy, he cries in despair. 

He asks who will take care of his toys when he dies.

I sit there contemplatively silent, thinking to myself that there’s no need to worry about this as he’ll be moved on from toys, an old man at best. Yet I understand he lives in the here and now, and that his toys represent much more to him than I may comprehend.

I fumble over my words to explain some thing that will make any sense to him at all. He rescues me mid-sentence to say that he’s got it: his kids will take care of his toys for him! He’s satisfied and happy with this answer. I flinch, overcome with a warm wash of bitter sweetness imagining it.

Later, at dinner, he climbs up onto my chair, wraps his arms around my neck and pushes his warm little body against my chest. He whispers into my ear, “I love you so much. You are so special to me. I never want to lose you.”

I wonder if he’s thinking about death again. Mine or his. His inquiries and curiosities unnerve me.

The topic of death is one of my least favorite places to wander. Not now, when the boys are so tender and young. Not when our collective dreams (even our very purpose as parents) are so vested in one another at this time in our lives.

What troubles me is my inability to create a sense of safety for him. A truth, or knowing, that he can carry with him for certain. While I can stand to wrestle with the uncertainty of life, I wish for him to be protected from it a while longer. 

How does your own certainty or uncertainty on the subject of what happens when we die effect your ability to explore the subject with your kids?

Lessons in Love: discipline and mothering

Thank you to Laura at Navigating the Mothership for inviting me to share with her readers a snapshot of how discipline plays out in the Sears house with two little boys ages 1.5 and 3.5!

Shortly after Merritt was born Laura shared another guest-post I wrote titled Lessons in Love: learning to mother two, which focused on how I was managing the transition from 1 child to 2 after a preterm birth and a 28-day NICU stay. While that post touched on discipline strategies for the younger toddler, this post focuses on discipline for older ones because every day is uncharted territory, and because 3 year olds make 2 year olds look so easy.

Admittedly, discipline is a hard topic to tackle in a blog post. There are amazing blogs dedicated solely to this one aspect of parenting. I will do my best to share with you here some of the issues we face and offer some advice based on what is working for us right now.

Discipline is an ongoing challenge at our house in the way that it demands a high level of daily intention and regular re-evaluation of our methods. It's an iterative process. The kids' abilities and their understanding of the world in which they live changes daily and so my expectations and guiding approach to their behavior necessitates that I adapt my mothering to accommodate and facilitate their individual paths.

My husband and I take the long view approach to parenting. We have ideas about the kind of adults that we hope our boys grow into: engaged, empathetic, compassionate, confident, and self loving, among other traits. The challenge for me is to remain focused on those goals when I'm exhausted with the reality of daily caretaking and feeling pushed to my own limits by the near constant violation of social etiquette and common courtesy that characterizes the toddler set by virtue of their development. I see my role as one that can facilitate their growth and learning by using discipline as an opportunity to educate, not to reward, punish, or shame. To connect and build on the trust that we share, not to withdraw my love or attention in a show of power or in an effort to control.

I keep at the forefront of my mind the words of Alphie Kohn:

It may sound obvious, but we sometimes seem to forget that, even when kids do rotten things, our goal should not be to make them feel bad, nor to stamp a particular behavior out of existence. Rather, what we want is to influence the way they think and feel, to help them become the kind of people who wouldn't want to act cruelly. And, of course, our other goal is to avoid injuring our relationship with them in the process.

The way I choose to discipline my children is influenced by so much: my core belief about children and my understanding of their development, my own childhood experiences, and my strengths and weaknesses as an imperfect human being.

My approach to discipline has always been intertwined and woven deeply into my values on mothering. Understanding the physical, psychosocial, and cognitive capacity of the boys' development helps me to know what is normal and appropriate for their ages, and offers me the ability to proactively implement discipline in a way that empowers my parenting instead of relying on fear and reactivity as my guide; fear that my kids are going to be doing these things forever, and reactive to find a short-term solution to make it stop.

Recurring Discipline Themes:

Aggressive and/or inconsiderate behavior: 
Roscoe's imagination is wild and unbound. Since he was very young he has acted out his emotions and imaginative play in animal form. He is in character 80% of the day and appears to have little self awareness when role playing with such reckless intensity. At any given moment I can peek into his world by asking him what animal he is, a simple question that typically elicits a passionate narrative of predator and prey.

Behaviors like headbutting (I'm a bull!), spitting (I'm a fire breathing dragon!), biting (I'm a lion eating a zebra!), hitting in frustration (or because he is a viking slaying a dragon!), and otherwise using his body, facial expressions, and voice to intimidate his brother, or other children and adults in his vicinity are a constant problem. He does not easily respond to verbal requests or even physical restraint in efforts to bring him back into reality. Social settings in which cooperative play is expected are particularly difficult for me. My favorite author on the topic of child discipline, Judy Arnall, wrote a great summary article about how to handle this situation, and her description is more or less how we deal with Roscoe's aggressive behavior in public spaces. Sometimes I let my need for social connection with other adults supersede Roscoe's need for a change in scenery, and I am reminded that I should be more willing to abandon the activity at hand and pack up for home when transgressions are repeated and it is clear that Roscoe is not able to fully or appropriately participate.

Not listening: Pretty straightforward here! I've learned that preschoolers between the ages of 3 and 5 can be expected to "listen", which really means to do what we say within a specific arbitrary time frame that we set, less than 40% of the time. Considering how many requests I make of Roscoe and Merritt as we move through our day, guiding them through their routines, transitions, and activities, it is not surprising that I feel unheard much of the time.

Not sharing/taking toys from others: Roscoe is getting better at this, and we have always framed sharing in the context of taking turns. I allow him discretion to identify toys that he does not have to share--much like in adult life, there are some things that are ours and that we do not care to share in case they are damaged or lost (best to put those items away before company comes though!).  For everything else I make a point to let him know that when he is done, Brother or Friend will take their turn. And then I let him finish his turn in his own time frame. Admittedly, in social settings, I often feel pressure to push him along, but at home he gets to take his time. When he is done I bring it full circle by announcing, "OK, Roscoe is done with his turn. Brother, it is your turn now." Both boys react very favorably to this approach and I think each opportunity to successfully demonstrate the technique provides them with a better understanding and greater trust that each of their needs will be met. Roscoe also has a good habit of offering a "trade" or substitution toy when Merritt is playing with a particular toy that Roscoe wants.

Sibling Relationships:
As their mother, I want the boys to have a healthy friendship and a common respect for one another. I largely believe that the tone of sibling relationships is set by parents. Like in other aspects of their lives I want the boys to learn how to solve problems in a way that is effective and fair. I can help them by facilitating their understanding of the others' point of view, and by modeling effective communication when they are in conflict. In the past I would attempt to get to the bottom of their conflict (who hit whom, how did the toy get broken, etc.) at least for the benefit of my own understanding, but I have since changed my approach.

Now, I address the upset child, and listen to get a better understanding of the underlying need. Then I translate: "Merritt: Roscoe is frustrated that you are moving his trucks into the bin. He is making a special pile of wrecked cars. Roscoe: Merritt feels like you have all the trucks and is sad that he doesn't have any toys to play with." Next I give a suggestion: "Hey, Roscoe, instead of ripping from brother's hand the toy you want, you could say, 'Merritt, I am making a special pile of trucks, I don't want you to mess them up. Here are two cars you can play with.'" Usually Roscoe expresses his understanding of the alternative form of communication and sometimes asks for a do-over, which I grant. We all feel good when the reenactment is successful. With this approach I avoid choosing sides or handing down judgment, which is not the role that I want to play between them anyway, especially as they grow older.

There are some definite absolutes in our house. It is not OK for either brother to physically assault the other, even if by accident. It is my choice not to engage in power struggles with either of them and there are a lot of behaviors that I overlook in exercising my right not to engage them. However, if I see with my own eyes Roscoe hit Merritt, for example, I make an immediate and obvious gasp of disapproval first attending to Merritt and then addressing Roscoe. In an effort to encourage their natural tendency toward empathy and compassion, I make frequent declarations about the importance of paying attention (a different but synonymous word choice for "be careful"), being kind, and being gentle. I think Roscoe understands what is expected on this point, but whether he has enough control to thwart his impulses is another story.

Discipline Tools

There are many tools I rely on, but these are the current and primary ones in no particular order:

• Change the environment: new play area, new activity
• Take action: get up, engage, facilitate, remove, etc. 
• Count to five: there are times when compliance in a specific time frame is necessary. This technique offers two options: 1. Roscoe gets moving in the right direction by the time I count to five, and retains his autonomy to complete a task on his own, or else 2. I step in and complete the task for him. 
• Time-in as a calm down tool: separate child from the offending situation, help him to calm down, then reconnect on the way to problem solving the situation. (In the recent past I've played around with more traditional time-out, however, I've found that it isn't as effective and doesn't foster our relationship.)
• Ask questions. Behavior is a symptom of unmet need. I try to understand the kids' perspectives to the best of my ability so that I can be fair in my assessment and continue to meet them where they are.
• For whining or demanding voices I say things like, "I can't understand you when you use that voice. Instead you could say... or, You might try...." When the appropriate voice is used I respond to their requests immediately.
• Natural consequences: If you break it, you fix it. If you want it, you ask for it. If you make a mess, you clean it up.The implementation of this is relatively new in our house, but it works well!
• Acknowledge the impact of how their behavior affects others: I often use the motivating phrase, "Thank you, that is very helpful." while providing a brief explanation of how their decision to clean up after themselves, or to not dump out all their toys saves me time or energy. Or a focus on feelings: "I feel sad when you say I'm stupid." (true story!!)
• When/then phrases to demonstrate the natural order of things. WHEN you pick up your toys, THEN we will go outside for a walk. We are planners, and I make a point to let the kids participate in developing our plan for the day. The when/then prompt reminds them of what is upcoming without becoming a bribe. 
• Yelling: This one I don't recommend! Sometimes I yell to be heard, in the hopes of being listened to, or to make a voice that can rise above the near constant chaos of a full house. I am just one of many here. At times attention spans and patience can be hard to come by, for little guys and big people too. What I'm learning is that I need to better at boundary and limit setting.

A few Do's that I keep close to my heart:

• Give the benefit of the doubt. Our children are good and well-intentioned little people inside, even if they do things we don't like.
• Give trust and respect.
• Avoid power struggles. I pick my battles largely around safety and personal boundaries. I'm not here to win or to be the boss. We're a family and we have to work together to understand everyone's needs and to help ensure that they are met.
• Don't hold grudges.
• Apologize when appropriate. If I screw up we talk about it when everyone is calm and I apologize. Each of us has needs and feelings, and none of us is perfect. I want to foster a home-life that not only provides everyone with validation and freedom to feel their emotions, but also provides the tools needed to express them in appropriate ways. 
• Address basic need for water, food, and attention. 

Final Thoughts

Parenting is life (And therapy! as I like to say), and through this role I am learning and growing as a person, just as my husband is. As far as I can tell there is no end point. Every day is a new day: my boy is one day older tomorrow and I've never before parented a child of 3 years, 6 months, and 4 days. If the family dynamic is upset something isn't working and change is necessary to regain balance.  As much as I crave routine and stability, I am learning to remain flexible knowing that it is required for our success as a family. I build my relationship with my kids with every interaction and with every day that goes by. As I hone my own skill-set I'm a better teacher to my children.
I also know that I've had a good day when at the end of it my relationship with the kids is intact as a result of my ability to mother with intention and purpose. I have become more aware of my triggers: noise chaos, not feeling heard, loss of control, interruptions during important tasks. When I find myself feeling resentful that is my cue that I need to do a better job setting or respecting my own boundaries. Ahhh, the fine line between respectful vs indulgent parenting.

I also try to make PEACE a priority every day. In fact, it is at the top of my to-do list.

A few well read and much loved parenting resources: 

Becoming the Parent You Want To Be by Laura Davis & Janis Keyser
Discipline Without Distress by Judy Arnall
Unconditional Parenting by Alphie Kohn
Janet Lansbury's blog, Elevating Childcare
Gina Osher's blog The Twin Coach

Please share your parenting book suggestions, I'm always looking for good reads!

A day away, a night to make up for it

Blackberry ice cream on the stoop, earlier today

After a long and warm day spent staffing the Birth Matters tent at the Veggie Festival, I came home feeling energized only to find my boys huddled in the bathroom, Roscoe into his third bout. It was thirty minutes past Merritt's bedtime and when I picked him up he placed his head on my shoulder and nuzzled into the crook of my neck where he hung out subdued for a bit before he started to whimper. Tired.  Not feeling well.

Andy gave the run-down of the afternoon: snack, a trip to the park, a television show. Roscoe said he was feeling sick, Merritt wouldn't eat any dinner, Roscoe threw up, Merritt couldn't be put to sleep with Roscoe alternating between the couch and toilet.

Mid-conversation Merritt started to heave and then threw up. Then Roscoe. Then Merritt again.

Then the boys were put to bed, and promptly fell asleep. They've each woken up three times since then (it's only 9:30pm). More of the same.

Andy says he's not feeling well.

I'm hoping whatever this is stops with the kids, and I hope it passes fast. I wish I could take away the  panic that sets into their whole bodies when they can feel they are about to be sick. As their Momma, in times of otherwise helplessness, I am relieved that the one thing that they really seem to want and need is me. I fear a long night ahead but if doling out extra belly rubs, and wiping hair from damp foreheads to blow cool air over their little faces is what makes them feel safe and even a little bit better, well I can do that all night long. 

On potty training: a post for people interested in this sort of thing

Roscoe showed interest in potty training around 18 months, but I was working 4 days a week then and our nanny at the time didn't seem particularly interested in facilitating his transition out of diapers, which really was fine because he seemed so young and we had a new baby due in a few months and it felt like a bad time to push a big developmental milestone. So I said, "oh, after the baby is a few months old, then we can try." At that time, I thought that Merritt's birth would bring the end of my work, so it seemed that I would have more time to devote to potty training "once work ended." Well, we all know how that story went.

I've put off potty training (or potty "learning" as some like to call it) at least three separate times since then: once when the postpartum period and life with two under two was a lot tougher than I thought it would be; then, when work's end was on the horizon (yet again, but not really though); and finally when we decided we were moving to Richmond.

In May, Roscoe turned three, the average age of potty training. While we don't call it potty learning around here, I do believe that child readiness is the single most important factor to success, and Roscoe has made a few big leaps in progress over the last month or so.

His journey has looked something like this:

• 18 months - 24 months: We bought a potty chair and a stool so he could reach the sink. He was interested to sit on his little potty with all of his clothes on, and even went through a phase where he would ask to sit on it a few times a day. He liked to hang out in the bathroom while we used the toilet. He enjoyed helping with and learning about the process: handed us toilet paper, flushed the toilet, or washed his hands when we did. He would take his diaper off without warning, loved to be without it. At this age he was not bothered a bit to sit in a dirty diaper, he had more interesting things to do like play.
• 24 months - 33 months: Basically the same as 18-24 months except he had zero interest in sitting on his little potty. We bought a potty seat. Diaper changing also became a serious battle. Momma and Poppa grew tired of grown up poops in a two year old's diaper. Roscoe loathed having to take time away from life to get a clean diaper.
• 34 months: I asked him why he didn't like to sit on the potty. Roscoe said he was "scared he would fall in", which really surprised me because we've never talked about anything like that with him before, I thought those kinds of fears didn't really exist without some suggestion. We relocated the stool from the sink to the regular toilet, and relocated the potty seat from the bathroom closet to the regular toilet. He liked the new arrangement and would sit on it when he felt like it. We would ask Roscoe if he needed to go potty, he would reply no, then 15 minutes later we'd realize that he needed a diaper change.
• 35 months: One day in the backyard Roscoe proudly demonstrated that he could pull his pants up and down. He would poop or pee in his diaper then find us to tell us, "I peed..." or "I pooped...change me." He asked to sit on the potty to pee before bath and was successful. 
• 36 months: He would wake up mostly dry in the morning, and sometimes dry after nap. He continued to demand diaper changes after peeing or pooping.  He would get really upset if he peed, even a little bit, in his diaper before bed and would demand a change. He declared that he needed to pee on the potty, but decided he was done less than 30 seconds later so I offered a cupcake as a reward for peeing now or later, or whenever. He sat with determination and 4 or 5  minutes later we heard shrieks of "I did it!" 
• 37 months: Same as last month, but now he says things like, "I'm peeing in my diaper." (present tense!) And we'll say, "Do you want to go in the potty?" And he'll reply, "No, I'd rather just go in my diaper."

See!? Progress!!

Every kid has their own journey out of diapers, and I'm excited for all of us that this Summer may mark the end of Roscoe's.

When did your kiddo make the big transition?  Any tips?

Party on

To celebrate Merritt's first year, and to kick off the beginning of a brand new one, we threw him a birthday party themed with lots of color, hearts, and lions.  I made a few special decorations, like the cupcake toppers that I posted about here, and a zany mobile of ribbon (below).

I tossed together a french potato salad, a superb quiche Lorraine with a towering crust and a perfect center, and also tried a new recipe for red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting. We sipped our beer and soda from fun paper straws, and savored the classic combo of homemade whipped cream and berries from cheerful mini bowls.  It was all very pretty, and Merritt's guests were pleased.

Roscoe vividly remembers his two year birthday party and is cognizant of the proper components necessary for throwing such an event.  He had a tough time accepting that this party was not for him and wailed at me several times in a manner that conveyed his genuine hurt, "I'm sooo disappointed!" We did our best to share the love and the fun between both boys, and when the day was over I reminded Roscoe that his birthday was up next (in May) and together we decided on an ice cream social theme, which lifted his spirits tremendously.

As for the birthday boy, besides the opportunity to devour his birthday cupcake (he ate the entire thing!), he seemed none the wiser that all of this was for him. Roscoe heartily took to the task of opening all of Merritt's gifts for him, and Merritt didn't seem to mind one bit.

Fun fact: For the next three months, when people ask, I get to point out that my boys are 1 and 2!!

Merritt's first haircut (and Momma's too!)

Annoyed that our new hairstylist wants to charge $32.00 for Merritt's "first haircut", I took his little mohawk into my own hands.

We have a new vacuum with a very tasty cord

My first ever attempt at cutting hair wasn't quite as smooth and easy as I had envisioned (what could be so hard about snipping a little bit of baby hair?), but I'm happy with the result.  He turned 10 months old on the 18th and his new 'do let's me visualize an older, less baby-like version of our littlest guy.

Merritt is Eight Months Old

Merritt is eight months old?  Whoa, slow down!  Time is on fire, it seems.

I'm not sure how to hold on to the baby version of our little Mer-Mer, as Roscoe has taken to calling him.  He's cutting his top teeth, he's scootin' backward, he feeds himself greedily.  His double chin still hangs around and maybe it's the Momma in me, but his little gobble neck is a definite sweet spot.

I've been throwing around some unoriginal birthday ideas, still impressed that after the Holidays he'll be turning one year. I've always felt a very deep connection to Merritt--he feels like an old soul to me. We've been through some stuff together, and some days it is hard to separate out the me from the him. We?  I feel it with both the boys, though, loving them in a more absolute and truer way than I've ever been able to love even myself.

I know the independent stage is coming.  Faster than I can remember, probably (it's weird how quickly I forget!). I've been intent to study all of his details for fear that one day the intimacy that we share now--a direct function of the dependency of our relationship--will be lost to time and memory. I want to always be able to recall the subtleties by which I know him today. To retain the ability to invoke the simple goodness of the weight of his body nestled up to me as I cradle him, slung over one shoulder, and shush him to sleep while he breathes his hot little breath into my ear.

I try not to feel guilty about being less diligent documenting his life than I was with my firstborn.  I remind myself that when my boys are in their 30's, whether or not I can then recall every little piece of them along the way won't diminish what it feels like knowing them in this way every day, as we move from here to there.

I don't usually link up to articles, but I can't stop thinking about this one.

Merritt is Seven Months Old!

Our little Merritt boy turned 7 months on the 18th. The newborn phase is officially over.

(Ooweee, it was a long one!)

Just a month ago Merritt was still a snuggle-lump but his six month birthday brought a lot of changes. A few days before, he cut two new teeth and then, a week later, he started sitting up.

Now he's a chatter box.

A growth spurt last month brings him just under 16 1/2 pounds--he's quadrupled his birth weight!

Merritt is Six Months Old

Merritt is six months old. There’s a lot to love about him right now, especially his little arm and thigh rolls, and the way that he still curls his legs up into his belly and stretches his arms up over his head when I pull him out of the sling after a long nap.

He is wildly interested in the food that we eat and has had a few tastes here and there of peaches, watermelon, figs, and chicken. He rolled over for the first time yesterday, belly to back and back to belly, one right after the other. I guess he has been capable of it for awhile, just hasn't been given enough floor time to practice.

He is a really happy baby as long as he has undivided attention, and he still spends much of the day in the sling. Merritt takes 2 or 3 naps a day, and in the evening will sleep for an hour or so by himself some nights, which gives me the chance to relax without a baby in my arms. It’s not much, but I take what I can get!

I was looking through some of his NICU pictures and found this one.

He looks so tiny with that pacifier as a reference.

Five Months

And there's no telling what big brother is doing over there in the corner...

Lessons in love: learning to mother two

I'm guest posting today at Navigating the Mothership!

As multitasking typically goes these days, I was perched precariously off the edge of our couch nursing while, with one hand, I emphatically tapped out my lessons learned so far with two under two in response to one of Laura's posts. When the page changed suddenly and my comments were lost, I couldn't muster the energy to retype it all so I closed my lap top and carried on. Soon after, Laura asked if I might be interested in guest blogging for her as she anticipated the transition of baby Oliver's arrival, she noted that I could pick any topic and I knew precisely from where I wanted to pick up.

We found out we were pregnant with our second baby when our firstborn was just 14 months old. At the time, our planning seemed ideal. Andy and I had made it through our first year of parenthood intact. We were filled to our brims with pride and love for Roscoe whose mobility and new found independence gave the impression that with each day that passed our baby was on the brink of toddlerhood. I reveled in his growth, but I hadn't hardly forgotten the sweet intensity of mothering a newborn, or the joy of giving birth.

The thrill of having created another life was soon followed by first trimester exhaustion and an overwhelming feeling that this was going to be tougher the second time around. With little over a twelve month turnaround the physical burden was greater and presented much earlier in the pregnancy. In addition to the very real demands of gestation, I also had to contend with the equally real demands of an active and passionate toddler.

I had planned to give birth at home so we were floored when, at 32 weeks 6 days, my water broke unexpectedly. No longer a candidate for homebirth, we drove to the nearest hospital where Merritt was born the following evening at exactly 33 weeks. Roscoe was 19 months old at the time.

You can catch up on Merritt's birth and subsequent NICU stay, and our emotional struggles in the weeks that followed here. It was a rough start for our new family of four but the good news is that seasons change and I've learned a few things in the last four months.

Adjust your expectations

I'll admit that parenting two kids has, at its worst, left me feeling inadequate and imperfect. It's hard, if not impossible, to meet everyone's needs all of the time. Being a good parent has less to do with meeting 100% of our kids' wants and needs 100% of the time, and more to do with our ability to be intentional in the way that we choose to parent with love and respect for them as individuals and as valued and contributing members of our family unit. The ideals that we aspire to rarely exist in real life and our kids are more forgiving than we realize. I try to be confident in my role as a mother, and cut myself slack where I can. I often reflect on this quote from Steady Mom: It's not that we aren't going to blow it. It's what you do with it afterwards.

Learn to be more flexible

The way things were before the baby arrived is practically a moot point. Mothering more than one child necessitates that some things will have to give. For us, we've always made sleep a priority in our house and taken care to consistently honor Roscoe's nap and nighttime sleep routines. Since he was very young, he's fallen asleep and taken all of his naps at home, in his own bed. Once Merritt was born, Roscoe's nap time became a time of stress and struggle because I could no longer devote an hour of uninterrupted time to play, read stories, and then lay with Roscoe until he fell asleep. Without fail, Merritt needed to eat, or Merritt needed to be held, and Roscoe made it clear that if little brother was anywhere in his vicinity there would be no napping! I held strong to the idea that this routine was just so important for him and that it was my job to find a way to make it work. Meanwhile, I felt terrible that predictably, every day things weren't working out. In the end, I had to let go of these conventions and be okay to plan the morning so that he fell asleep in the car on the way home from errands, or in the stroller as we walked around the neighborhood. When naps became predictable again, I regained a sense of control and relaxed knowing that the bottom lines were being met--he was getting the rest he needed and I was able to reclaim a short break in the day. Every family has their seemingly non-negotiable aspects of routine, and it can be helpful to be open to making compromises that work.

Read the rest....

Four Months

But seriously, our little Merritt Boy is four months old! Last we checked he weighs a little over 11 pounds, which means he's doubled his birth weight, and then some. I think that is amazing. Roscoe was a very slow gainer, admittedly, but at four months he weighed about the same at 11 pounds 6 ounces.

Merritt still spends much of every day asleep in the sling, but he stays awake for longer stretches now (upwards of 2 hours) and has really started to communicate in the last week with lots of coos and gurgles accompanied by some pretty goofy grins. He has strong little legs and can hold himself up in a standing position well. He's recently started to drool a lot and to reach for some of his toys. Overall, he's an incredibly happy and mellow baby.

Why so serious?

Bradley Babies 2.0

Our Bradley birth course helped us to establish realistic expectations and equipped us as a team to approach labor and birth with confidence. As an added bonus we met and became friends with five other couples who have since become families that we are truly bonded to. All of our babies were born within a couple of months of each other back in 2009, and just two years later we're celebrating the arrival of their siblings.

Merritt was born first, and Mary Anna was born just a week ago in a laborious and accomplished 36 hour VBAC. We got to meet her today, and she weighs just two ounces less than Merritt!

Big brothers Roscoe and Jonathan were in all out toddler mode, and the newbies slept and nursed, hardly a surprise on either account.

Two more babies will be born this Summer.

Here's the first of our Bradley Babies 2.0 group shots:

Merritt (14.5 weeks), Mary Anna (7 Days)

Saturated

I was thinking the other day about when I might be ready to get pregnant again--I know, it's so early still, but just to daydream a little about timing and seasons. It felt a little rushed last time, gearing up to get pregnant again when Roscoe wasn't even a year old yet. The burden of carrying another baby so soon after giving birth to my first was evident early on in the pregnancy and overall felt a lot more demanding.

Since Merritt's birth I've been aching to experience birth at home. Aching. It is a nagging feeling, like something I need to do again in order to know that I am still capable of it. Within hours after Roscoe's birth I also gushed about wanting to do it [give birth] again, but for different reasons.

Now, with two little souls to oversee, I have struggles that make a third seem all but absurd.

When Andy is home he does a majority of the physical parenting of Roscoe, which relieves me in many ways, but Merritt is solely my responsibility day and night. Met cries when he's held by anyone else, and will not under any circumstance sleep independently. He sleeps in the sling, and if he's not sleeping he's nursing. If there happens to be a 10 or 15 minute lull during the day when he is awake and content to hang out by himself I take the opportunity to do something with Roscoe, or for myself, which leaves me feeling guilty about lack of stimulation--I rarely pull out any toys, or books for him. Tummy time? Nope. I do feel that probably one of the most important things for Merritt right now is to be held, but I remember the kinds of activities that Roscoe and I did together at three months and hope that Merritt isn't missing out on something important or necessary. And then I remember Met's gestational age of 6 weeks and I throw up my hands. I don't know what he needs right now.

My only chance for relief is the two hours between Roscoe's bedtime and our bedtime, and typically Merritt decides to eat during that time. My nights are spent lying on my side with Merritt latched or close to it, and in the mornings I am so stiff that it hurts to get out of bed. For the past 5 or 6 days I have not been free from Merritt for more than a few minutes at a time. Yesterday afternoon I just felt angry, and claustrophobic that the ring sling had been wrapped around my body for almost 9 hours, less a few nursing sessions mixed in.

Then there's Roscoe who seems to have rolled right into the terrible twos as his birthday approached. I feel guilty that I can't provide him with the attention that he deserves because my arms and my body are otherwise occupied with his little brother. My patience is a lot thinner these days too. Roscoe's persistent demands and limit-testing ways challenge me every day to be a better mother, and require constant adaption to keep up with him.

The rules that governed my life before kids, or that have worked for me in the past, don't necessarily apply to parenting or the general chaos of being a parent. I thought that the trauma of first parenthood had facilitated my ability to adapt my expectations to meet the constant state of change that children bring, and to accept that I cannot control everything all of the time. I guess I'm still learning and have room to grow in this area because lately I've felt more like I've been surrendering, not accepting, which leaves me feeling resentful.

Maybe the expectations I have for myself are set too high--I have a habit of this in other areas of my life. Parenting with love, and respect, and intention, came naturally with one child but doesn't come as easily with two. I know there is no such thing as a perfect parent. I recently read an important quote that I've been reflecting on all week:

It's not that you're not going to blow it, it's what you do with it afterwards.

Once I think I have a handle on two, maybe then I'll know it's time for number three. Right now I'm pretty sure that my hands are full.

Yesterday

Its been a while

Let's seeeee, what's been happening around here over the last two weeks?

Roscoe has weaned

Short story: I was nursing Roscoe once a day at nap time for 3-5 minutes, but our routine was interrupted abruptly when I was admitted to labor and delivery back in February. Andy took over everything in my absence, including naps. I continued to offer to nurse Roscoe whenever we did see each other, and I made a point not to refuse when he asked. In a context outside of nap, nursing lasted only a half minute or so and seemed to serve as a familiar way to touch base with each other. The beginning of the end came when when my milk arrived. Roscoe retracted back with a troubled look on his face, made an exaggerated guttural gagging sound and uttered..."milk." Then he said "done" and was done. Well, mostly. He continued to like the idea of nursing, and continued to request it only to repeat his initial reaction, which then became a sort of game. Since we've come home from the hospital Roscoe has been adamant that milk is for Met.

Brothers

Roscoe reigns as Merritt's big brother. For a 22 month old we've learned that this role largely consists of doling out well intentioned affection with reckless abandon--a gesture challenged greatly by an effort to learn to practice restraint of his wildly excited limbs and appendages (also known as the art of being gentle). While two kids are harder than one, we've quickly learned that it's not the newborn we have to worry about. It's the toddler. Looking back to Roscoe's first few months, I'm a little bewildered as to why we felt so challenged (although to be fair, I understand now that the first time around for us was not so much about the baby as it was the life change). So far, Merritt and Roscoe are a sweet little pair, and I'm already looking ahead a few months when there will be a little more give and take interaction between the two. For now, Roscoe just vies for Merritt's attention--he frequently demands, "look at me! look at me!!"

Merritt is a mellow fellow

He's a quiet little guy who sleeps most of the time (and doesn't necessarily demand to be in arms, which is a strict departure from kiddo numero uno). He wakes to eat, and stays alert for a half hour or so to quietly soak up our rowdy household antics. He nurses on a pretty predictable schedule, so I've found a few opportunities to get out and about without him. Merritt also travels well in the car (such a nice surprise, given infant Roscoe's fear and loathe of the confines of the car seat) so he and I have gone out together a time or two as well--roaming the grocery aisles for the first time in almost two months felt like a real treat.

Nap time is the hardest time, and nursing too

Without fail, as Roscoe's nap time approaches Merritt begins to stir for milk. It has become the most stressful time of the day for me as I ricochet down the hall between the two boys in a sometimes successful attempt to tend to both of them simultaneously.

For a Momma handicapped by limited resources (only two arms and two legs!), nursing requires another balancing act, plus a whole lot of patience. While Merritt eats, Roscoe dances around us, picking, poking, prodding, and testing his limits. He's intent to be in contact with one or both of us at all times, bouncing erratically yet unassumingly on whatever surface we happen to be sitting. It drives me crazy and I'm still experimenting to find the most effective approach to curtail the behavior when I have little ability to immediately redirect or remove him from the scene.

I joined weight watchers

I have literally lost 3 pounds since Merritt was born. THREE. I do believe that four weeks of hospital food and near round the clock sitting gave me the worst head start on postpartum weight loss ever. While it could be argued that getting back in shape should sit lower on my list of priorities, it does not! I joined weight watchers and lost a pound last week. Weight watchers accommodates nursing mothers and is designed to facilitate a loss of one pound a week. Even though I didn't feel hungry and had enough points to indulge my sweet tooth, a one pound loss still feels a little disappointing. At this rate, my postpartum weight loss journey will be very s-l-o-w going.

We're over this monitor

Early last week we met with Merritt's pediatric pulmonary specialist. The data that was downloaded from his monitor revealed only one true spell over a two week period. I was hoping to get a reduced prescription, perhaps nights only or during feeds only. Instead, we were ordered another two weeks on the monitor 24 hours a day. ugh. I have a strong dislike for that little machine and I'm not at all convinced that it is necessary. I'll admit that Merritt hasn't been hooked up for the last four days...I keep telling myself tomorrow. We go back in two weeks and there needs to be data on that hard drive, so TOMORROW!

What's next?

I've been a little overwhelmed and a lot tired since we came home two weeks ago. Merritt is 6 1/2 weeks old, and was officially due this Friday. I've been quietly mourning the fact that I didn't get a "honeymoon" postpartum period, even if only for a day or two. Andy returns to work tomorrow, but my mom will be here to help out this week so I'm hoping to reclaim a tiny piece of what I might have missed.

Catching milestones

I'm so grateful for the opportunity to mother Merritt around the clock even though he was born early. I still got to be the lucky one, to be the first to see Merritt's brand new belly button.

Feeling behind

I realized last week that I have only until mid-February to finish all the requirements needed to complete my Bradley Birth certification. November feels like it was only a few weeks ago, where has the time gone?

With Andy in California all week, I'm taking advantage of the lonely nights and instead of blogging or doing anything else, really, I've been reading and outlining the required books (three down so far!).

Still, I have what feels like a long list of unfinished items to complete in the next month, including to:

• Attend one more La Leche League meeting, and write a report on my experience
• Attend one Bradley class
• Read the final book: Husband Coached Childbirth: The Bradley Method of Natural Childbirth
• Write a book report and identify 20 questions with answers for each of the four required readings
• Compile a comprehensive binder of local resources for expectant and new parents
• Interview two local hospitals on their labor and birth policies, and procedures

Think it can be done?

With my job winding down (and last minute projects ramping up), a new work schedule and a new nanny starting next week, and 'round the clock mothering, it's been a challenge to balance my and Roscoe's needs over the past two weeks. Roscoe's been in bed by 8:00 and out of necessity (early rises, and no naps) I've been asleep by 10:00. Two hours a day isn't a lot of time to do much of anything, so I've had to prioritize.

I can tell that the days and weeks left between now and the time that Little Sears is born will be jam packed with necessary to-dos and a lot of well intentioned effort to accomplish all the other things that will help us to feel prepared for the baby's arrival--because we now know that for at least the first few months I won't be doing much more than nursing, and kid tending.

Roscoe's first chalk drawing

Bradley fun

Jonathan turned one today and so we got to hang out with our Bradley friends for the afternoon! I love when we are together. The babies change so much between visits and their dynamic is hugely entertaining. Roscoe always plays the role of instigator: chewing, pinching, and pulling on anyone within reach. Do you think he'll outgrow this soon? Of course, I'm always appreciative and thankful for time with all my momma's too.

Happy Birthday baby J!