Boundaries, FAQ answers

A while back readers posted questions to an FAQ request. Today I'm sharing more about how we prioritize the family's needs in the context of a larger family structure.

Anonymous asks:
"I would like to know how you manage these intentional life choices within the context of a broader family structure - So, how do you explain/justify and support your efforts and money spent on eating well to extended family who just don't get it? How do you keep an eye on your overall family goals when they are challenged by other needs you must attend to (for example, spending time with or caring for or celebrating with extended family members and friends when it might seem to come at the expense of immediate family)."

After giving it some thought, the answer to both questions really comes down to boundaries.

As parents, Andy and I have not always been good at establishing healthy boundaries, especially within those familial relationships where they are probably needed most (i.e., grandparents!). Even though we are more aware and wiser to the better outcomes that having clear boundaries and expectations can create for all involved, we are still learning how to be effective, kind, and true to ourselves when we express our needs to our families and friends. Holding others accountable for respecting our boundaries is the other aspect of boundary setting that we often struggle with. Setting boundaries is iterative and lifelong but worth the benefits of improved communication and the preservation of important relationships. Our individual and family needs will change over time, so there will be plenty of opportunity to practice until it becomes second nature. (I like this article on boundary setting and accountability.) I'm breaking this up into two parts:


1. How do you explain, justify, and support your efforts and money spent on eating well to extended family who just don't get it?

When it comes to how we spend our money, what we eat, and/or how we invest in our health we don't typically discuss these topics with our family (or friends). While I love to talk about actively sourcing and preparing the foods that we eat, how we see our family's place in our food chain, and the importance of eating good food from animals that led good lives (including the health benefits of eating animals that have been fed their normal diets), I reserve those passionate discussions for individuals whom I know share my views. Otherwise, I'm happy to explore these topics when asked about them directly but, as with politics, I generally don't go out of my way to go into detail.

It is very likely that neither set of grandparents, nor most of our friends fully understand our motivations to seek out pastured/local/seasonal/organic foods, and that's ok. We are fortunate that criticism and other negativity from our immediate circles are not part of the dialogue around this topic.

2. How do you keep an eye on your overall family goals when they are challenged by other needs you must attend to (for example, spending time with or caring for or celebrating with extended family members and friends when it might seem to come at the expense of immediate family time.

As a new mother I was surprised to find that one of the most challenging aspects of my transition was the effort required to navigate the fundamental and necessary shift in family dynamic that occurs when a daughter becomes a mother and a mother becomes a grandmother, or really when any adult child becomes a parent to the next generation. The simple fact challenges the established ways of communicating and interacting.

When we became parents the importance of maintaining a routine became clear early on. While we were learning to live at a slower pace, and to care for our nuclear unit, our extended family's expectations had not changed all that much and their requests began to feel more like unreasonable demands, with consequences. After some trial and error and attempts to compromise, we realized that pushing the kids past their limits in order to partake in activities or events to which we had committed ourselves (by choice or obligation) just wasn't working for us. These scenarios almost always ended with feelings of disappointment and frustration as our ability to fully engage and enjoy the time spent was hindered by the extra effort required to care for unhappy babies and toddlers.

The solution was to set boundaries by communicating the kinds of activities that our young family could commit to participate in while also being honest about what we couldn't manage, at least for now.

When it comes to participating or not in family and other social events we do pick and choose what we feel is reasonable and on what level. We may decline an invitation altogether or suggest an alternative that works better for our family. We may participate in only a portion of the activities scheduled for a given event. We may make special accommodations in order to ensure our family's needs are met at the same time that we are meeting the needs of others. There have been times when Andy and I really wanted or needed to show up for an event, like a college graduation, and we knew that the kids would require naps mid-day and that they wouldn't likely be able to sit through the entire ceremony. In order to make it happen we planned ahead and did the best we could. We have become very comfortable dropping everything and leaving when it is clear that the kids can't tolerate a given situation. In the case of the graduation, they boys were animals and Andy left with them so they could nap in the car and I stayed behind to witness my little brother receive his diploma.

We've also developed a level of comfort for the scenarios in which an identifiable compromise doesn't exist, and in those cases we choose our family. I understand that life is lived in phases and right now when the kids are so young and when it is our responsibility to meet their basic needs* we remain flexible but prioritize their needs and our parental sanity over the needs of others. It doesn't always please everyone, but it is necessary for us.

Our extended family has grown to better understand our changed priorities, and as a result their expectations have also changed. They don't seem as disappointed as they may have been early on. Another important detail of our story is that we live in a different city from our families, and most of our close friends, so distance makes our independence and autonomy easier, if not built-in.

*basic needs: nutrition, sleep, rest, downtime, safety, connection, cuddling, fun, and mastery (Peaceful Parent, Happy Kid).

Labeling myself a work-at-home momma, FAQ answers

Last month readers posted questions to an FAQ request. Today I'm sharing more about my experience as a work at home momma.

How do you like being a working stay-at-home mom (do you consider yourself that?)

Finding the right language to describe my role as a working mother has always been a little challenging for me. Part of the conflict is that since I became a mother I've worked only in a part-time capacity and from home. Because such a small percentage of my time was focused on work, and because most of my energy and joy was derived from the kids and our family life, I didn't consider my work a hugely substantive part of my identity and while I called myself a work-at-home mom, I thought of myself as a stay-at-home mom.

When I left my job over the Summer to pursue teaching and labor support, I was crowned with the official title of stay-at-home mom. Andy and I both made some lofty assumptions about the ways that life at home would be restyled with this new phase of my career. Andy imagined a direct translation to a cleaner, more tidy, and better organized home; a calmer and more relaxed wife; flexibility for him to work more hours at his own job; and more sex. In addition to all that I thought I would also have more time to invest in self care and looked forward to more quality time with the kids at home and around town.

I had no idea how quickly or passionately I would jump into developing my birth services concept for MamaBorn, or how rapidly business would come, not to mention how great a commitment the hours would be. In general, I work around 30 hours a week, and most would consider those to be the hours of a working mother. Of course, the early investment required to get a small business off the ground can be tremendous, so I expect the time commitment to wane a bit now that I have laid the groundwork. Happily, we are finally realizing some of those ideals we initially imagined for ourselves.

I've always felt that working from home, while seemingly the best of both worlds, left some things to be desired. For me, I missed the clear boundaries between work and home (designated space and designated time to focus on work responsibilities), face to face adult interaction, the requisite to begin the day with a shower, and makeup, and a put together outfit; the opportunity to leave the house and mingle in regular life.

I cherish the opportunity to have breastfed both of my kids and to have bypassed the challenges of separation and pumping, and to have always been within arms reach whenever I or they needed the other. I love that I was able to keep family at the heart of every day, while still growing my career and maintaining some financial independence.

Still, setting effective boundaries is a learned skill and working and living under the same roof makes it difficult to carve-out time dedicated solely to either one. I find it a much greater challenge now that I work for myself and when my work is so close to my heart: an extension of how I live and love, and a true integration of career and family. During my work at home hours I am also fielding questions from the nanny, checking in with the kids, facilitating discipline when needed, and hearing their every move through the walls of our small home. Sometimes it can be hard to concentrate with all that interruption and so I spend a fair amount of my fifteen dedicated hours sitting at Starbucks where I can work truly free from thoughts of the kids. On the flip-side, it takes effort to remain unplugged (as much as is possible when on-call) during family time, and to give myself permission to be free from my endless list of business related to-dos.

Over the last year I've developed my identity as a working mother with a great amount of flexibility to be present and engaged with my kids throughout the week. I love my work and I love my family, and I have to consciously balance my commitment to my business with my family's necessary sacrifice and meet them somewhere in the middle. Given that I have two young children and a husband who works a demanding job an hour out of town, my dreams for my business are constrained, in a way, by my responsibilities to my family and by our collective resources of time, energy, and finances. This reality keeps me focused on the priorities of my work, which is a good thing, because I can (and would) brainstorm business and birth all day and night.

In general, I feel more confident in my role as a working mother, but as with all transitions we are fine tuning our approach to learn what works best to make a dual career household run smoothly. I think working from home and being entrepreneurial throws in a twist, but it feels a little bit like an adventure!

What is your working arrangement and what do you call yourself?

How I make my career work for me: childcare, FAQ answers

Last month readers posted questions to an FAQ request. Today I'm talking business and mothering, and sharing how I make my career work for me.

How do you handle running your own business and managing your children? Do you have structured work hours or do you just try to squeeze work in throughout your day? Do you use childcare or just work around the kids somehow? 

I have always enjoyed learning about how other moms balance their careers with mothering and home life. I'm lucky to have a close group of girlfriends with a spectrum of experience integrating work into their lives, and they have inspired me to think unconventionally about how I structure my time.

Over the years I have experimented with a variety of  work arrangements. After graduate school I held a fairly traditional 9-5 job for a non-profit in Washington DC, which included a 35 hour work week, 15 hours of commute time, and some routine business travel. When Roscoe was born 3 years later, I took a 20-week maternity leave then cut back to part-time employment at two days a week working from home. I gave up my benefits, increased my hourly wage, and gained a huge amount of flexibility. We hired a nanny who cared for Roscoe 7am to 2pm, on Mondays and Wednesdays. The rest of the week I was free to attend to family obligations and relationships.

At some point during Roscoe's first year (maybe around 9 months) I ramped my hours up to 3 days a week: Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. Then when he was around a year old, and shortly after we found out we were pregnant with Merritt, I increased my hours again to 4 days a week (28 hours). My position was grant-funded and that fiscal year we did not expect to receive additional funding, so I front-loaded my hours and figured that a new baby would create a graceful exit strategy. I took 6 months off after Merritt was born and then, when some money turned up again to fund my position, I resumed working from home at 3 days a week for a total of 21 hours. In July 2012 I quit my former telecommuting job, but retained the help of our nanny 15 hours a week to supplement my work effort dedicated to MamaBorn.

All that to say that my professional work and my need for paid help has followed a non-linear path!

I have found that a professional work-from-home career requires dedicated work time and the help of reliable childcare. Not every job or personality type would demand it, but so far that has been my experience. We are very fortunate to have found compassionate and committed women who readily adopted our parenting style in caring for the boys, and to whom the kids have formed great attachments. Without them I would not be able to pursue my career as I do.

Over the last four years we've relied on 5 different nannies, 2 of which were temporary hires during our move from DC to Richmond. Our first nanny was with us for about a year and a half before we moved South. The second has been with us since we moved here a year and a half ago; she took on more responsibility at her other job at the end of last year and remains our primary babysitter for monthly dates and other miscellaneous childcare needs. Our third and current nanny started working with us in January and will remain with us until the kids begin preschool this Fall.

I now have 15 hours a week set aside to catch up on home organization, errands/chores, and MamaBorn related commitments. The hours are divided between Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. 8-1pm.

In addition to these set aside hours, I typically have at least two, sometimes three, client appointments during weeknights and weekends. I also allocate a couple hours over the weekend to respond to urgent messages, write birth stories, edit photos, or prepare for class. When I have a Bradley series in session, I teach one night a week and that accounts for another 4 hours between travel and class time.

Two weeks ago, for example, I attended a birth from late Monday night to mid-morning Tuesday, taught class Tuesday evening, enjoyed Wednesday night at home, met with a client for her prenatal visit from 6:30-9:30pm with travel on Thursday, hung out Friday night at home, consulted with another  potential client on Saturday afternoon, and then in the evening co-led a community meeting for a non-profit birth organization. In addition, I am usually on-call for at least one mama at any given time, so we are limited in the radius that we can travel outside of Richmond, usually an hour or so is as far as I will venture out. Not all weeks are this busy, but many of them are!

My ability to work is directly dependent on my husband's commitment to caring for our kids while I am out of the house in the evenings and on weekends, in addition to our nanny during the work week.

In your role as a doula how do you arrange for child care? Women in labour hardly ever follow a schedule and while I am sure your husband takes care of night duties how do you manage flexible child care for when he is at work?

Because of the relationships that we've developed with our two current nannies, I can rely on each of them to care for the kids if I am called to a birth, and my sister also lives close by. In a pinch, I once asked my mother in law to drive from DC to stay with the kids for the afternoon. In general, I usually arrange a combination of sitters to fill in for the hours that I will be gone. It can be intense to organize childcare on the fly, but it works out fine, and once arrangements are made I don't have to think twice about what is happening at home, which allows me to fully focus my attention on my role supporting mamas through labor.

Why Marbles Rolling and an FAQ invite

We're almost four years and over 600 posts into the history of this blog. I know my readership has changed over time and I was thinking it would be fun to invite you to ask any questions that are on your mind, related to anything at all! I haven't done this in a long time but it's an opportunity to increase dialogue and to write on some topics that I don't typically cover here.

To start things off, one question that I am asked a lot is how and why I chose Marbles Rolling as my blog title. I've addressed the question a few times over the years but as my writing evolves and as our family grows up, I gain new perspective on how the title is meaningful.

Marbles Rolling has always represented momentum to me. We chose the blog title when I was 35 weeks pregnant with Roscoe, when Andy and I were still "single", before kids, just me and him. Our momentum as a couple had been building over our 11 year history and before we knew it there we were, lounging in bed together brainstorming names for a blog and anticipating the birth of our first baby. It was thrilling to be in that place. We had no idea what life with Roscoe would look like.

Now, almost four years later, Marbles Rolling has become integral to my experience as a mother, and the theme of momentum is still relevant. I wouldn't say that our life is thrilling in the traditional sense of the word but I do feel an equivalent rush as a mother, a sense of delight, pleasure, pride, love, and surprise for these little people that we are raising. Like when I am witness to their intense curiosity or when they construct these really heartfelt sentences full of wisdom and innocence. I am moved every day by who they are and the ways that they contribute to our family. Our relationship is ever evolving and that is exciting for me.

As I mentioned in a post when Roscoe was a few months old, I feel an equivalent sense of bursting-at-the-seams happiness and contentment when the world opens up for the kids as they grow and then we realize that our world has opened up too. The anticipation we feel looking forward to our overnight dates, or reclaiming favorite pastimes as the kids become more independent, or dreaming about what our future of adventure will look like with a range of school-aged kids, the feeling is the same and it is all good.

Life with two toddlers translates to days full with energy and impulse, inherent struggle, inevitable release. Eventually peace. Then there are these incredible moments when we all come together in synchronicity. It can be exhausting and exhilarating, depending on the moment. The pendulum swings in both directions and the momentum we've created as a family unit carries us through the hours and days.

The first version of Marbles Rolling included a family of marbles that represented me and Andy and the four kids we imagined in our future family. When I hired Stephanie to update the brand, and because she can't take credit for the original version, a new one had to be created so we decided to go with just one momma marble and four baby marbles. There may only be one more kid in our future, or perhaps there will be two, it's an ongoing (and heated!) discussion. Not knowing what will be, I decided to hang on to that fourth little marble in my header for a while longer.

I look forward to answering your questions! Post 'em in the comment section!

Questions 3, 4, and 5!

To celebrate my 300th post, I've been fielding your questions!

Yankee in England recently asked:

Question 1: If it is not too personal of a question do you plan to have Roscoe totally weaned before Little Sears comes or will you tandem feed?

Answer: Not too personal at all! I don't plan to tandem nurse. I haven't forgotten how demanding a hungry newborn is! We no longer nurse at night, and have slowly phased out the number of times we nurse during the day to only 2 or 3--once at nap time, once late in the afternoon (for some quiet time) and/or once before bed. I do love our nursing relationship and I am saddened knowing that it will be over soon. But Roscoe is growing up, and he has plenty of nutritious food to eat. There are many ways for me to meet Roscoe's need for physical closeness and so we will focus on that as we continue this process. I don't have a predetermined time frame (or plan) for how we will achieve The Wean, but I know that we'll get there by the time Little Sears is born. Hopefully sometime this Fall or early Winter.

Question 2: [In your Header] will Little Sears "Roll" on over to join the family when he/she makes an appearance?

Answer: I love this idea, and if the Design Girl were more willing to manipulate images, I would totally ask her to do it! She did some photo-shopping work on my header, but I got a clear sense that it was not her preference.

Question 3: Also curious why the decision to have 4 children was there a reason for the the number 4?

Answer: I grew up in a family with three kids, and Andy grew up in a family with two kids. Both of us appreciate the energy that accompanies a crowd and agree completely that three kids is definite. Three kids makes a "nice-sized" family, but four tips the scale from "nice" to "large", and I love the dynamic that is essential to large families. And I especially look forward to how that dynamic changes over time, from a young family (with lots of little ones underfoot), to a house full of rowdy teens, to an empty nest with an even bigger extended family. It all sounds like a good life to me! Andy is "mostly" sold on the idea of four. Lately, five kids hasn't seemed that insane, and if I have four boys you better believe that I'll be trying for a fifth!! Now he thinks I might be crazy.

Want to ask me something? Anything? Please do!!

Question 2: Baby-Related Books

Chick Chikadee asked: Do you have any baby-related books that you have found very helpful? You once mentioned nursing on demand. Is there a method or book that you follow?

ANSWER:

For pleasure, and at times in desperation, I've read quite a bit about babies over the past two years. When I was pregnant with Roscoe I read up on parenting philosophy. After he was born, I gravitated toward sources covering breastfeeding, and sleep--mostly because these two areas were the ones I was least prepared for and which ultimately gave me the most trouble!

PARENTING:

Here are the five books that have most shaped our parenting philosophy:

Attached at the Heart

Attachment Parenting

Connection Parenting

Baby-Proofing Your Marriage: recommended reading before the baby is born!!

Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

Web Resource: www.attachmentparenting.org

SLEEP:

Remember this? We were desperate for a solution and we found one!

The no-cry sleep solution

The no cry nap solution

BREASTFEEDING:

I wasn't as proactive about breastfeeding as I should have been the first time around. I assumed that the relationship would flourish without a lot of effort on my part. Breastfeeding is natural, right!!?? Postpartum, I practically lived on the La Leche League's website troubleshooting and searching for affirmation that what I was experiencing was common, if not normal.

Kelly Mom is a great site for all types of questions related to breastfeeding. The web author is a lactation consultant. This article on latch was particularly useful--the animation explained a lot!

I recently ordered Ina May's Guide to Breastfeeding in prep for Little Sears--I really do hope to avoid all the problems I experienced last time! To address your question about nursing on demand, Ina's book and the attachment parenting philosophy in general, as well as La Leche League, are all very supportive of nursing on demand.

Here is a "nursing on demand" article posted on the La Leche League website.

Disclaimer: I don't endorse every concept offered by these resources--take from them what works for you, and leave what doesn't! That's what I did. As with all sources of information, a healthy dose of skepticism is well justified.

This is fun! Have you thought of any more questions since last month? Post em' below!!

Question 1: Where did you get your blog title?

Last month, to celebrate my 300th post I solicited questions from my readers. I'm finally answering one of them!!

Lisa from She Ain't Heavy asked: Where did you get your blog title?

ANSWER: When we first conceived the idea for the blog we spent a lot of time brainstorming blog names.

At the time, I was 34+ weeks pregnant and we knew only two things: we were expecting a baby boy and his name would be Roscoe. I debated choosing a blog name that would speak to that particular moment in our lives, or one that could endure.

The image that kept coming to my mind was of glassy blue marbles. They embodied a simpler time, a school playground, the innocence of childhood. It made me think "boy." Still, I knew that we planned to have more kids and I didn't want the title to be relevant only to boys. I needed one that would grow with us.

Then the engineer in me went straight to physics and I remembered that a force is required to change the state of motion of a given object. As expectant parents it felt as though we were on the edge of something great--a force like none we'd ever experienced was about to propel us into the unknown. Later, I wrote a post further developing the sentiment that our lives were set in motion by the birth of our first child, commencing an adventure that will only last a lifetime.

Then I hired the Design Girl to turn my concept into a header and theme. This is what we came up with:

See!? It's the Sears Family in-the-making!