Merritt is eight months old? Whoa, slow down! Time is on fire, it seems.
I'm not sure how to hold on to the baby version of our little Mer-Mer, as Roscoe has taken to calling him. He's cutting his top teeth, he's scootin' backward, he feeds himself greedily. His double chin still hangs around and maybe it's the Momma in me, but his little gobble neck is a definite sweet spot.
I've been throwing around some unoriginal birthday ideas, still impressed that after the Holidays he'll be turning one year. I've always felt a very deep connection to Merritt--he feels like an old soul to me. We've been through some stuff together, and some days it is hard to separate out the me from the him. We? I feel it with both the boys, though, loving them in a more absolute and truer way than I've ever been able to love even myself.
I know the independent stage is coming. Faster than I can remember, probably (it's weird how quickly I forget!). I've been intent to study all of his details for fear that one day the intimacy that we share now--a direct function of the dependency of our relationship--will be lost to time and memory. I want to always be able to recall the subtleties by which I know him today. To retain the ability to invoke the simple goodness of the weight of his body nestled up to me as I cradle him, slung over one shoulder, and shush him to sleep while he breathes his hot little breath into my ear.
I try not to feel guilty about being less diligent documenting his life than I was with my firstborn. I remind myself that when my boys are in their 30's, whether or not I can then recall every little piece of them along the way won't diminish what it feels like knowing them in this way every day, as we move from here to there.
I don't usually link up to articles, but I can't stop thinking about this one.
So eloquently put. The emotions you describe are ones I feel as well, but can't always find the words to describe them.
ReplyDeleteI feel a different kind of connection to Addie too. I love both my girls with my whole heart and soul, but it is definitely different. Maybe that will change as she become older and more independent. I hope not though.
It is amazing that it's almost time to start planning your little Merritt's birthday party. And he is scooting!?!! Life is going to get mighty crazy with two mobile little beings to keep an eye on :)
I read that article the other day. Really puts things into perspective.
Oh, thank you for this post. so beautiful - my boys are approaching 4 months & every day i try to wrap my head around (prepare for?) the fact that one day they'll be ... men. With my daughter, it's possible for a version of the smooth skin, the soft voice & the slight frame to always be there ... but boys seem to undergo such a metamorphosis on their way to adulthood (think, Peter Brady & the voice changing episode).
ReplyDeleteoh, boy ... and then i clicked the link to the article ... good thing i'm not at work b/c there are a lot of tears happening. i really took this from it: "The only task here is to love"
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing ~
You really captured it...I have been thinking a lot about these things as I rock Hannah at night, just feeling the weight of her body against me. This letting go thing is hard...it's a good thing it's gradual or I don't think I could take it!
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