Two kids or three?

A view from the sound, NC.

After dinner had been devoured, and after we abandoned the dining room with the tablecloth that often doubles as a napkin and the piled dishes and the leftovers that would surely have to wait until morning, and after I helped the boys into their jammies and read them each a story, and after I sang my rendition of hush little baby (complete with a firetruck and a too short ladder, a police car with a much too quiet siren, and an ambulance too slow to make it in time), and not until I shushed them from the near and far corners of the house and their eyes were closed and their breathing heavy, only then did I tiptoe across the unswept floors to pour myself a glass of wine, scoop up my journal, and find my place on the screened-in porch to spend some time with my thoughts.

As I journaled about my relationship with food, of all things, It suddenly hit me that maybe Andy is right, maybe two kids are enough. I have for years thought of myself as a woman meant to mother many children, always imagining a closely spaced grouping of four or five siblings.

Over the last few months a new feeling has been creeping up slowly and surely until one day last week after a typical morning, I sent a text to Andy: Today I do not want any more kids. 

We have argued and discussed this topic for more than 2 years. Should we have a third? Should we aim for four? Should we stick with two? His reply: You are a great momma, don't forget it. 

The kids are amazing. Each of them. Both of them. They are cunning and funny, testy and full of grand emotion. They surprise us in ways that astound us and alarm us. They are so different from each other and yet so the same. I am not a perfect mother but I am a good one. I do not love imaginary play or loud noises, or chaos. I am sometimes overwhelmed to meet the demands of these two growing boys. At the end of many days I am tired. So very tired.

For years I was resolute that 4 was my lucky number. Two didn't feel like "family" the way that three does, and four just tips it all over the edge to guarantee a boisterous home life and kindred spirits for days. I can look ahead to when the kids are grown and take comfort in the idea of having all that company and extended family to call on.  I like the way I think that would feel.

The justification game: the weighing of short and long-term costs and benefits. I find that the exercise can be a little bit of a thrill when I am on the side of saying goodbye to the childbearing years. But there is a sadness too in leaving it behind so suddenly. When I was pregnant with Merritt, when I gave birth to him, when I weaned him, I knew there would be a third. On the other hand, I have experienced all of my motherhood so far in real time, intensely, and truly. I've written about it, I've processed it, I've lived it.

I value my relationship with my kids and husband more than anything else, but there are other things happening in the world that inspire me too. With Merritt turning 3 this Winter and Roscoe turning 5 next Spring, some of the lost freedom that came with pregnancy and parenting in the early years feels just within arms reach. I'm so tempted.

One morning last week, the energy of the kids was so very high that I played momma hooky and called in our nanny two hours early because I just needed to get away. But then there are nights like last night where we all move through our nightly routine in rhythm and without fuss, and I can see a version of perfection co-existing in this messy house. It is a good life.

For today at least, I'm willing to try on the idea that the two boys we have are and will forever more be enough for us. Is there ever a final word on this kind of life decision, anyway? It's a pretty tough call to make one way or the other isn't it. (Interestingly, we had a similar discussion around this time last year...)

Spring Babies

I don't know what it is about the Summertime but it makes me want to have another baby.

Maybe it's Virginia this time of year, with its long daylight hours, balmy heat and humid nights, heavy rains and intense thunderstorms, and a beckoning call to open air living. Or maybe it is the slower pace that we keep in the summer months of of June, July, and August. It all seems so suddenly easy. The mornings escape us with Merritt taking a nap at 10:30, and the afternoons are so carefree, they demand less structure and more adventure. I can create in the kitchen with the back door wide open as the kids play naked in the backyard. The sun is still up when Andy gets home for dinner. Bedtime follows closely behind and Roscoe and Merritt are so beat from our explorations of the day that they fall asleep without a fuss as their curls hit their bed sheets, which leaves entire evenings for Andy and me.  Perhaps it is human nature that we mate in the Summer so that we can have babies in the Spring like all other smart mammals.

It is true that whenever we find some peace and simplicity in our life we start to believe that we have it all it figured out. We can push away the fear that we sometimes carry, which whispers that we've taken on too much, that we weren't cut out for parenting in the plural sense, that we'll never have a full night's rest again in our lives; and then shortly after we settle in and decide it's a good time to get pregnant.

I'm definitely there, but also thinking that we'll hold off for a little while longer, although it is taking some effort not to just go for it. The boys start preschool in the Fall, and I'd like to try on that routine for a bit and also wrap up the lactation course that I'm midway through before willingly beginning what I anticipate to be a challenging pregnancy.

Roscoe has recently taken up an imaginary friend who he claims is his sister. She lives in North Carolina and has quite a history. I'm taking this as a sign that our family will be rounded out with a little girl on this next go 'round.

A change in plans, no babies for a while

Summertime is chalk and homemade tie dye tees

While at the beach this year Andy and I were able to do exactly two things together, alone.

One oppressive and sticky night we took a beach walk at sunset, trudging through the sand and talking at a fervent pace about our future, our family, and life in general. We walked until the sky went dark when we were left to carefully retrace our path along the shoreline lit only by the glow from the houses that perched over the dunes. That conversation centered largely on dismantling our plan for adding more kids to our brood this year.

The following night we put the boys to bed, and then drove out to Corolla for dinner overlooking the sound. The conversation was unusually playful. I had a martini (rare!)--which pretty much blew me over--and we drove home lighthearted and giddy, headed straight for the hot tub like impulsive teenagers. It was good to feel our marriage so alive, when it more often seems like our relationship lies dormant somewhere beneath a wintry landscape fraught with demands.

I've felt the thaw for many months now. A quiet awakening and a healthy burst of energy as we emerge from the experience of the last four years. Bringing our partnership out into the bright Summer sun and canopied under the warm starry nights helped to bring our marriage back into focus and gave us some much-needed perspective. We want to hold onto the feeling we have right now, and we need some downtime.

Of course the boys have our hearts in every moment and they are as amazing now as they were born. I want a large family, but if I push through to have a third this year we would likely stop there. Roscoe and Merritt are incredible and I want to give them everything. For me it has been a hard exchange and, as I've mentioned before, I'm learning to respect my limits.

In the spirit of imperfect timing, we added that maternity rider to our health insurance plan effective this month with intention to get pregnant in the Spring. After some debate we're keeping the rider because it is insurance, after all, but our plans have most definitely changed. For now we are content as a family of four. I've been yearning for this sense of calm, and I finally feel it.  We want to see where life takes us in the next couple years and aim for a baby born when Roscoe and Merritt are closer to school-age. 

Everyone will be weaned!  Everyone will be out of diapers! Maybe everyone will actually sleep through the night!!? (We're still working on this, believe it or not.) With time we also get space for our marriage to reconnect and thrive, for our parental reserves to refuel, and for our relationship with our two little guys to continue to develop. Respite and stability sound pretty solid right now.

A larger spread between siblings changes the family dynamic I've always imagined for us, but taking all things into consideration the lightness we feel in our hearts tells me it is the right thing for us right now. We'll know when we're ready again to embrace the unknown of another pregnancy and the exhausting bliss of a newborn.

More babies!?

What are our plans for adding another baby to the family?

(Whoa, three babies.)

The open enrollment period for our insurance plan is this month and we are adding a maternity rider with the typical 6 month waiting period required before conception. So that puts us in January at the earliest.

Beyond that, I've enjoyed getting pregnant in the Summer and having my babies in the Spring although I'm feeling a lot more relaxed about how it all plays out this time.  I'm open to getting pregnant in any season, and can see the perks of being pregnant and giving birth at any point in a given year.

On good days, and in projecting what life will be like in the future when the boys are 2.5 and 4 for example, or 3 and 5, adding another person to the family feels reasonable and manageable. On days that I feel challenged I have a hard time wrapping my head around EVER having more than two kids, but fortunately those feelings are fleeting and at worst they simplify the big question of when by letting me know NOT NOW, that we are still learning about life as a family of four.

I've been pregnant or nursing for more than three continuous years. My relationship with the kids is still very physically demanding.  I'm trying to be better at recognizing and respecting my own boundaries. I know that learning to do this is important for me and for the kids and that it will be good for all of us if I have some more time in between to pause and refuel before beginning the process again.  Andy and I want to pace life's big changes, if we can, but we hope to have another little one on the way by June of next year.

Like before, I have a list of things I want to do beforehand. Some items are related to the kids like getting Roscoe out of diapers, and weaning Merritt.  Others are about preparing my body to carry a baby to term and doing everything possible to prevent another premature birth. The rest of the to-dos are about enjoying life right now, because it's so good, and savoring the freedoms that continue to come with time.

I turn 30 in two months and the plan is to have two more babies born by the time I turn 35. (Although, the final number seems up for debate lately.) Ideally, I would love to have two girls next, but, given that boys seem to be in the genes, I won't be wagering any confident bets. I also think it would be intense and wonderful to have a house of boys. I guess we'll just have to wait and see!

What do you consider to be ideal spacing for siblings and for parents?

Proof in the positive

In my excitement to take a test this morning, I dropped it in the toilet. FAIL. It was my last "early" pregnancy test so I went back to bed. Later this afternoon, right before we headed to the grocery store I thought I would try again.

Right away, a faint blue line appeared. Baby #2 is on its way!! Since then, the line on the test has definitely faded more, which is unfortunate, because you probably won't believe me. Don't stare too hard or it disappears! Seriously.

Anyway!! I'm so excited to call my Midwife--I hope that she still delivers babies in my area. As I've mentioned, I really want to give birth with the same birth team.

Hopefully tomorrow's line is darker. I promise to take only one more test--since that's all I have left.

UPDATE: 4:00 am test (slightly better!)

P-tests

I promised myself I wouldn't even think of taking a pregnancy test until AFTER my meeting today.

After giving Roscoe a few minutes of attention, while simultaneously noting the freakishly clean nature of the entire house (apparently Andy has childcare, and house maintenance under total control--impressive!), I reached for the tests.

NEGATIVE.

I haven't had even one itty bitty sign so far to make me think that I'm pregnant. Will there really be a cycle #3?

It's that time

Again, and already!

I guess we've been so busy with our existing child, and life in general, that the last month whizzed by without too much angst over lost time, and now here we are! The two week wait is my least favorite part in the baby-making process because there's nothing to DO!!

And this time I'm going to treat pregnancy tests like junk-food and not even tempt myself by bringing them into the house until the end of the waiting period. Last month I wasted a lot of money peeing on sticks, and I learned my lesson!

How do you keep your mind off the inevitable?

Well, folks

It looks like we failed to make a sibling for Roscoe.

I know! We can hardly believe it. Is it possible to have that much sex around ovulation and NOT get pregnant? Apparently.

I won't divulge how many pregnancy tests I peed on. It's way too embarrassing. I guess since we got pregnant with Roscoe in the first month, I assumed that it would happen again in just the same way. Phantom symptoms be damned, I was so sure I was pregnant. Not until the hundredth negative on July 5th did I finally accept that it wasn't likely.

So, we are officially on cycle #2! Last time, we had nothing better to do but to sit around and think about getting pregnant and I remember vividly how crazed we were during the two week wait, and how tortured we felt at the idea of having to attempt another go at it the following month. It was lucky then, for our impatient pre-baby selves, that our plan was flawlessly executed.

This time around, our lives are so completely different and we are so not in control of much of anything anymore (a fact that we've proudly accepted!). So, while a March baby was my "ideal", this month I plan to take full advantage of my ability to cross things off my "not for pregnant women or new mothers" list just because I can. Rock climbing, anyone?

Our life is so full and demanding right now that I welcome time that allows for Roscoe to be one month closer to two when the new baby arrives, for me to continue to work on cutting out the night nursing and to build up my courage to begin to transition Roscoe to his crib. It's one more month for hot summer night runs and heart rate monitors that register in the 170s (!) and one more month to continue to whittle away at these last stubborn pounds. Plus, I realized over the fourth of July that I haven't been drunk in over two years. Obviously, I didn't miss it but come to think of it, maybe I'd like to have a few drinks!

In the end, I do believe that making babies is fun and can be pretty darn romantic so this time around I don't mind stretching out this first step just a little bit longer.

I know I'm not the only one trying to conceive--did any of you have any luck this month? I want to hear about it!

The two week wait

And so it begins!!

I ended up getting positive readings with the OPK on Tuesday & Wednesday, so at this point I think we've officially cleared O-day. Now we just wait.

I have a massage scheduled for Saturday (i'm finally cashing in my mother's day gift!), and the last of the Bradley babies celebrates his first birthday on Sunday so we'll have a fun-packed weekend to help keep my mind off of the waiting game. I'm armed and ready with lots of Early Response tests, which read as soon as 6 days before your period is due--that's June 30th for me. I love to take pregnancy tests, so you know I'll be testing early!

This is a picture of my first positive test with Roscoe, 10 dpo:

Basically, it was so so faint that I could barely make it out, and everyone else was quite skeptical. Anticlimactic! But a line is a line, and the next morning it was a tad darker. Here is a picture of the tests that followed....and there were actually MORE than this (many more, thanks to the dollar store), but these show the progression:

I still have all my tests. Maybe that's weird.

Did you keep your positive pregnancy tests?

I spoke too soon

OPK briefing

There's nothing quite like trying to create human life to initiate irrational fear about the functionality and competence of a body that seems to work just fine every other month!

Am I the only one who transforms into a Nervous Nelly once I begin with hopeful excitement to rely on (and wait, wait, WAIT for) my body to do the thing it is supposed to do so that I can make the baby that I want?

Before Roscoe, I swore that I would not become an anxiety ridden pregnant lady compelled to finish off an otherwise perfectly benign pregnancy statement with dark and gloomy thoughts or feelings--and, actually, I didn't really believe that such things had a place in pregnancy. Killjoy.

I began to eat my own words (in a big way) within the first 24 hours after I found out I was pregnant. Looking back, I think I spent the entire nine months that followed trying to talk myself down from a dizzying number of high places, which was neither pleasant nor a good use of my energy. I'm sure there will be more posts on this subject if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again because I hope not to repeat this experience.

So here are I am, five days into OPK testing and NO smiley faces so far. Boo!!! double boo.

At this point, (based on totally unscientific, but educated calculations), my best guess is that my cycle will be 27 days this month which would mean that I should get a happy face either tomorrow or the next day.

I'm feeling lucky

Have you ever used an ovulation predictor kit?

We used one the month we got pregnant with Roscoe and I swear by them. I love the digital Clearblue easy tests because 24 - 36 hours before you ovulate you see this little cutie:

A smiley face! It's a perfect depiction.

I also highly recommend the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Some people swear by fertility charting. I tried it for a month but decided that it's not my style. I prefer a combination of basic cycle tracking, OPKs, and (super easy!) monitoring of cervical changes.

Since my cycles returned in February, they've been as short as 26 days and as long as 34 days. I had my thyroid removed in 2008 and the medication that I take every morning replaces the hormone Thyroxine, which is normally produced by the thyroid. The dosing system is imperfect though, and sometimes my TSH levels are off--like they have been the last few months--which usually affects my cycles by making them longer. Not what I want right now!!

Hopefully, everything will go smoothly this month. Tomorrow I get to begin using the OPK! Each pack has seven tests so I hope I'm not starting too early.

Baby, meet Dentist

We went as a family, which made a usually unpleasant experience (in my opinion) slightly exciting, and definitely a lot more fun. For a long list of reasons I hadn't been to the dentist since before I got pregnant with Roscoe. With a potential pregnancy in the making, I want to be sure that I'm on top of my health and up to date with all my yearly check-ups--so the dentist was the first of many appointments scheduled throughout this month.

Roscoe has only four teeth, but he's over a year old so we thought it was a good time to introduce him to the twice yearly joys of professional dental care. Roscoe has his own toothbrush, and is a great mimic. Twice a day he brushes/chews on his mini toothbrush (with a little worm on it!) as we provide brushing instruction and demonstration.

He nurses throughout the night though, too, and so I wasn't surprised when the dentist suggested that I wipe his teeth with gauze after each feeding to prevent tooth decay--I think weaning him from the night nursing sounds more appealing than undertaking yet another midnight to-do.

While I had my teeth cleaned, a hygienist in the next room over brushed Roscoe's teeth and gave him a sticker.

I feel good to have overcome my anxiety about the dentist in order to model good preventive health for Roscoe. I love Roscoe's little bunny teeth, and I can't wait for the rest of his pearly whites to pop through!

Carry on

Just when I was beginning to wonder when my fertility would return, hopeful that it would be sooner rather than later considering Roscoe's amazing evolution in the sleep department, I GOT MY PERIOD!

Some days, I just feel that I am meant to make babies. I love my body for this.

So it's time to pull out the planner and resume one of my most memorable and favored activities of 2008: fertility tracking!

When will my cycle return?

I hope not to jinx the three of us by writing this post, but I do believe we've solved all but two of Roscoe's sleep challenges.

The two items still up for resolution include our reliance on the swing for sleep, and Roscoe's shifted circadian rhythm that compels him to fall asleep for the night at 4:00 pm and wake for the day at 4:00 am.

Otherwise, Roscoe takes roughly three 1-hour naps, falls asleep on cue, and most exciting he's sleeping through the night! And not in a "5-hours = sleeping through the night" sort of way reserved only for babies. He wakes once around 11:00 pm for a diaper change, and once around 1:00 am for a meal.

With an ecological nurser*, I've recently become anxious curious about when my cycles will return. Within the next 4 months would be ideal--a February or March baby would make me very happy! I've had no interest in manipulating Roscoe's nursing routine before he turns 1 year, but I do welcome this natural progression of cutting out the nighttime nursing sessions as it brings us one step closer to baby #2.

*nursing on cue, keeping baby close, providing all nourishment and liquids at the breast for the first five to eight months, and nursing to comfort the baby. It does not include the use of bottles or pacifiers, mother-baby separation, parent-imposed feeding schedules or restriction of night nursings.